WE Mag interview w/ Swipes CFO--This Woman in Business is Cleaning UP!
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Way back Wednesday: This Woman in Business is Cleaning UP!
Freaky Friday: To fake it or Not to fake it...that is the question?
Many women have faked an orgasm at some point during their sexual history. But there could be many reasons for faking one...she may not be into it, there could be something on the brain (yes men, I'm sorry to tell you but sometimes even during sex other things cross our mind), or she just can't reach that climax no matter how good it feels.
So the question is: Is it ok to fake it? I mean what harm does it really do? It makes the guy feel good and accomplished. We, women, don't want you to feel bad and maybe we don't want to talk about why we couldn't reach that pivotal point. I mean, it is the nice courteous thing to do, right? But is that, in some weird twisted way...selfish? Should we just let you know that we weren't completely safisfied?
I guess everyone's opinion on it is different. Some guys can probably care less but other's I'm sure want to know why, so they can try and fix the problem...if the problem is indeed them. But do guys really want to know the truth? Would it be as equally enjoyable for them if they knew their partner didn't experience an orgasm? Most guys are turned on by how much their partner is turned on, so in some cases it could bring the momentum down and definitely could cause some insecurity. And nobody likes an insecure partner! So maybe faking is a good thing for morale purposes!
Sometimes faking could lead to sincerity. Moaning and groaning can help you get in the mood. It's a mental thing. And what started off as fake could actually become real. Just a thought.
Men if you're looking for some tips, I read an article on Askmen.com entitled "4 Tricks To make Her Orgasm" and I can't, 100% without a doubt, say they all will work but hey it's worth a try! And whatever you do make sure Swipes Lovin Wipes are always handy!
To all these questions that I posed, I'm really interested in hearing your feeling and thoughts?
So I'll ask one more time...To fake it or Not to fake it?
Seasoned Woman Looks Back
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| 1944: Joan, age 1, with mother |
Today is the 100th International Women's Day. One hundred years!
I'm a seasoned woman -- age 67 as I write this -- and I remember accepting blindly the women's roles and attitudes I was taught growing up. I watched my mother -- a brilliant woman who wanted to be a doctor her whole life -- working as a lab assistant in my father's ob/gyn medical office. No wonder she was bitter as she slapped down dinner after a long day running pregnancy tests with mice and rabbits.
Thanks to remarkable feminists who dedicated their lives to changing what we could expect from our lives, I was able to unlearn my upbringing, shake off society's roles, and go for what I wanted. My mother died unhappy, but I live pursuing my interests and dreams.My self-discovery journey took me on many different paths and through several metamorphoses over the decades -- high school English teacher, aerobics instructor, health/fitness writer -- to who I am now: senior sex activist/ educator/ speaker/ author who teaches line dancing for fun, exercise, and balance!
It's fitting that on the 100th International Women's Day, I discover this video: "Satisfaction the Granny Remake for EqualPayday." Thanks to Sarah Forbes, Curator of Sex at New York's Museum of Sex, for posting it on her blog in honor of International Women's Day and titling her post "Using Senior Sex to Sell an Equal Pay Day" so it would get my attention!
Watch it and tell me what you think:
Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Women
Update note: I first posted this interview in June 2007. I have so many new readers now that I wanted to bring it to the forefront, because it's such an important issue for both men and women. Often men feel they can't talk about ED with their partners. Women tell me their men seem to emotionally disappear and avoid sexual activity and discussion. Michael Castleman helps all of us understand what's going on. -- JoanIn a previous post, I interviewed Michael Castleman, a sex educator, counselor and journalist specializing in men's sexuality to answer some questions for men about erectile dysfunction. In this part of the interview, Castleman talks directly to women:
Q: What don't women understand about erectile dysfunction (ED)?
MC: Like men, few women understand the difference between true ED and erection dissatisfaction. [See Erectile Dysfunction: Michael Castleman Talks to Men for explanation of the difference.] Women also don't really appreciate how men FEEL when EDis or ED develop. It's sort of like how women feel when they lose a breast to cancer. You're still alive, but you feel diminished. A part of your body you took for granted isn't there anymore, or in the case of men, doesn't work like it used to. And this isn't just any part of the body. It's a body part that in a profound way DEFINES you as a man or woman. For women, loss of a breast raises issues like: Am I still attractive? Am I still sexual? Can I still please a man sexually? Men with ED and EDis wrestle with similar issues.
Beyond this, men have lived their whole lives pretty much taking their penises for granted: See a sexy woman, get hard. See porn, get hard. Think a sexual thought, get hard. Then all of a sudden--and in many men this happens pretty suddenly--they're in a situation where they expect to have to rearrange their underwear to accommodate some swelling down there, and then....nothing. Nothing happens.
Many don't understand what's happening to them or why. But even those who do, me for example, feel surprised, upset, disappointed, depressed. Change is stressful. But when the changes concern the penis, well, men get seriously freaked out.
Now women often (and rightly) believe that men are too focused on the penis. That's often true. It takes most young men years (sometimes decades) to leave penis-centric sex behind and understand the erotic value and pleasure of whole-body sensuality, a lovestyle more based on whole-body massage than on just sticking it in somewhere. Men who never get there, men who continue to view sex as penis-centered, when their penis stops behaving as they expect, they often think it's the end of sex, that they're over the sexual hill, that it's all over. In my experience as a sex counselor and writer, few women appreciate how diminished men feel as they get used to EDis... if they ever adjust.
Q: Why can't men express these concerns?
MC: Many reasons. In general, men tend to be less emotionally articulate than women. Men are socialized to be the "strong silent type," to keep a "stiff upper lip," to "grin and bear it." In other words, to deny what they're feeling and just go on. As a result, men get less practice than women discussing their emotions, and when they do, they're less skilled than women. Now some women believe that men don't HAVE emotions because they don't discuss them. Wrong. Men feel things just as deeply as women. They just are less likely to discuss them, and if they do, they're less likely to be able to really articulate how they feel.
The two genders have different natural histories of sex problems. With the exception of vaginal dryness, which is easily mitigated with lubricants, most women have most of their sex problems/issues when they're young. Young women wrestle with the mixed messages that they should be sexy but not trampy, that they should want love/sex, but not want sex "too" much, not be "too" easy. But how easy is too easy? Young women also have issues with orgasm. Many don't have them and have to learn how to release orgasms.
Meanwhile, few young men have sex problems--other than coaxing women in to bed. The young penis works just fine, thank you very much. Maybe the guy comes too soon (this is the #1 sex problem of young men), but only rarely do young men have problems with erection. Then they hit 45 or 50 and suddenly, the erections they took for granted their entire lives start to fail them. They freak. It's almost unthinkable. Many Americans found themselves speechless after Sept. 11. It was so horrible, unimaginable. Men don't discuss their ED or EDis in part because it's unimaginable--then it happens and they're speechless.
To many men, having reliable erections is a significant part of what defines them as men. If they have problems in the erection department, some fear that the women in their lives will view them as less than real men. So why talk about it? Why invite her to rub his nose in the fact that he's less of a man?
Q: When should a couple seek counseling?
There's no hard-and-fast rule on this. But when a problem festers, when you find yourselves having the same conflict over and over again, when there seems to be no way out, no resolution, basically, when you feel stuck, that's when to consider counseling.
Now every sex problem is also a relationship problem and visa versa. If the main issue is power/control/decision making or conflict resolution, then a couples counselor is probably the place to start. But if they main problem is sexual--a desire difference, orgasm issues for the woman, erection issues for the man--then I'd start with a sex therapist.
Personally, I'm a fan of sex therapy. This is not self-serving because I am not a sex therapist. But studies show that two-thirds of couples who consult sex therapists report significant benefit within 6 months. That's pretty good. Men with ED or EDis need to reframe their thinking about sex. They need to get away from porn-inspired sex and explore whole-body sensuality. This is often unfamiliar to men. They often fight it. So going back to a therapist week after week can help keep them on the path to self-discovery.
To find a sex therapist, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.
Q: What if the man won't go?
The woman should go by herself. This is not as good as the couple going. But going solo gives the woman a place to vent. It may equip her with new coping skills that can help deal with the couple's issues. And she may be referred to some written material, e.g. my book and others like it, that she can litter around the house and hope he picks up and checks out.
Michael Castleman, M.A., is the author of twelve books, including Great Sex: The Man's Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality and Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women Who Love Them. From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. Visit his website about sex after midlife, http://www.greatsexafter40.com/.
Satisfying Senior Sex for Women, Too!
Older people, especially healthy ones, and especially men, are enjoying sex, finds a study published in the British Medical Journal, March 9, 2010. Ellen Barnard, MSSW -- sex educator extraordinaire and co-owner of A Woman's Touch sexuality resource center -- explains why women have been left behind and what they can do about it.
Older women stop having and enjoying sex sooner in their lives than men do, a study in the British Medical Journal found. That’s because the medical community has no idea how to help women maintain their sexual health and pleasure after menopause without the use of potentially dangerous hormones. Women don’t have any “little blue pill” to make things work better when their bodies have given up.
But the truth is, there are simple answers:
- Ellen Barnard, MSSW is a sex educator and co-owner of A Woman's Touch Sexuality Resource Center, which offers education and products to support healthy sexuality for everyone, with a focus on older adults and those living with cancer. She can be found at http://www.sexualityresources.com/.
I think Ellen's information is vital, and I hope you'll pass this link to your friends, colleagues, lovers, wives, and mothers. If more mid-life and older-age women knew these self-help strategies for enhancing their sexuality, there would be more satisfied smiles on their faces! -- Joan Price
Satisfying Senior Sex for Women, Too!
by Ellen Barnard, MSSW
Older women stop having and enjoying sex sooner in their lives than men do, a study in the British Medical Journal found. That’s because the medical community has no idea how to help women maintain their sexual health and pleasure after menopause without the use of potentially dangerous hormones. Women don’t have any “little blue pill” to make things work better when their bodies have given up.
But the truth is, there are simple answers:
1. Live a “Good Sex Lifestyle” which includes daily exercise, a healthy diet full of fruits, veggies, nuts, whole grains and healthy fats and free of white sugars and flours, low-to-moderate alcohol intake, and daily doses of chocolate, Omega-3 oils and lots of Vitamin D. Healthy women enjoy good sex much longer than those in poor health.
2. At menopause and later, care for your vagina. Moisturize her daily or more with a good moisturizing lubricant (no glycerin), and massage her inner walls two to four times per week for five to ten minutes, with either a well-made vibrator or a partner’s fingers or penis. For more details, see our Vaginal Renewal™ program.
3. Have at least one orgasm per week, with yourself or a partner, it doesn’t matter. Keep those nerves functioning properly and remind them what pleasure feels like. If it’s hard to have orgasms, use a vibrator. Men use tools all the time, why shouldn’t you?
4. Get enough sleep, keep your stress under control, and keep a positive outlook. Your body will thank you for it, and your mind will be able to think sexy thoughts without distraction.
5. Think sexy thoughts, often. Fantasize, reminisce, create erotic stories in your head (or on paper), talk about sex, plan for sex, and make it a priority. Nurture your sex life, and it will love you back for many years to come.
- Ellen Barnard, MSSW is a sex educator and co-owner of A Woman's Touch Sexuality Resource Center, which offers education and products to support healthy sexuality for everyone, with a focus on older adults and those living with cancer. She can be found at http://www.sexualityresources.com/.
I think Ellen's information is vital, and I hope you'll pass this link to your friends, colleagues, lovers, wives, and mothers. If more mid-life and older-age women knew these self-help strategies for enhancing their sexuality, there would be more satisfied smiles on their faces! -- Joan Price
Restless Vagina Syndrome?
"'Restless Vagina Syndrome': Big Pharma's Newest Fake Disease" by Terry J. Allen discusses the attempt to medicalize women's sexuality as if we were men with faulty functioning who need fixing. Allen, senior editor of In These Times, writes,
It’s not your fault, ladies (and certainly not your partner’s), that you don’t orgasm every time you have intercourse, or that you lack the libido of a 17-year-old boy. You have a disease: female sexual dysfunction (FSD), and the pharmaceutical industry wants to help.
You are among the “43 percent of American women [who] experience some degree of impaired sexual function,” according to a Journal of the American Medical Association article. The FDA’s evolving definition of FSD includes decreased desire or arousal, sexual pain and orgasm difficulties—but only if the woman feels “personal distress” about it.
So, convincing women to feel distress is a key component of the drug company strategy to market a multi-billion-dollar pill that will cure billions of women of what may not ail them.
Allen goes on to describe the big pharmaceutical companies' attempts to define women's sexuality as men's sexuality gone awry -- we should get turned on easily and have mind-blowing orgasms every time -- and their failed attempts (so far) to give us instant arousal and explosive orgasms with drugs. She discusses several drugs and how they have not turned out to be helpful to women.
I agree that we're not defective men, and we absolutely should not fall for attempts to medicalize what might be perfectly normal. I encourage you to read Allen's article in full. (I itched to retitle it "Restless Clitoris Syndrome," however!)
On the other side, I hear from enough unhappy women (and men) to assert that we often DO have medical reasons that our sex functioning isn't working the way we want, especially as we age. I encourage both women and men who are experiencing changes in their desire and/or ability to get aroused and experience orgasm to see a trusted medical professional. It's important to learn whether there's a medical reason for the change and to explore treatment options, if so. The right hormonal treatment, or a change in other medications that are affecting our sexual response, can make an enormous difference in our enjoyment of our sexuality.
If the change is due to psychological and/or relationship issues, then a counselor or sex therapist can make the difference between a dissatisfying or non-existent sex life and a richly rewarding one.
Doing nothing about an unhappy sex life only insures that it will remain the same or worsen.
I'm a Juicy Tomato!
Many thanks to Susan Swartz for choosing me as one of her"Juicy Tomatoes": women over 50 who are role models of "ripe living."Immodestly speaking, here's an excerpt from Susan's description of me:
JOAN PRICE, author of “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty” is another mighty challenger of stereotypes. Her mission is to promote ageless sexuality, not only to make it possible and enjoyable but to banish what she calls “the ick factor,” the prejudice that anyone over 50 is and should only be having sex in their dreams.
Unabashed, articulate and funny, Joan is one of the leading go-to experts when the subject has to do with sex and romance for those beyond the young and hard-bodied. I first met her when she was teaching an exercise class at my gym and now she’s all over the place, as an author, speaker and dance instructor.
Her blog, Betterthanieverexpected, talks about all those things you thought you and your girlfriends only discussed after multiple glasses of wine – like sex toys and the little bottle of slippery stuff you keep in the bedside drawer. Joan, who has a lovely personal story to share about finding love, romance and passion in her 50s, knows of what she writes. Visit her at joanprice.com.
Susan Swartz is a northern California journalist, author and public radio commentator. She has been writing about women since the women's movement was new and she introduced to her readers a new "rising star in the women's movement" -- Gloria Steinem. One of Susan's more amusing claims to fame is that she is credited by the Oxford English Dictionary for inventing the term "bad hair day"!
Susan is the author of two books about "juicy living" based on interviews with women over 50 (some are way over 50!): THE JUICY TOMATOES GUIDE TO RIPE LIVING AFTER 50 and JUICY TOMATOES: Plain Truths, Dumb Lies and Sisterly Advice About Life After 50. Both are great gifts for the "juicy tomatoes" in your life!
"Ugly vagina"? Who came up with this?
Oh dear. I'm seldom surprised by any attitude about sexuality or body image, but today I'm shocked. I knew that some plastic surgeons did labiaplasty, trimming of the inner labia, for aesthetic reasons, but I thought this was a fringe element and didn't have to be taken seriously.
Now I learn that many women are indeed self-conscious about what they consider an "ugly vagina" because their labia are bigger or flappier or asymmetrical or in some other way not as neat and trim as those of porn stars. There's a fascinating post about this on the Daily Bedpost, a sex-advice blog by Em & Lo--Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey--the self-proclaimed "Emily Posts of the modern bedroom."
I never saw a reason to compare myself to a porn star, but if I were to find reasons, they would be more along the lines of breasts and buttocks, not labia! As much as my labia are wildly imperfect, as evidenced by the "before and after" photos of labiaplasty, it wouldn't have occurred to me to fret about this, much less consider reconstructing them. Personally, I shuddered at the "after" pictures because of the unnatural uniformity.
Who determined that our labia should look alike? Men's penises certainly don't look alike, and that's one of the joys of discovery, so to speak.
I think this must be a young woman's issue, because I never heard older women mention it, but I beg you to correct me if I'm wrong. If you're a woman, have you spent a moment worrying that your partner might find your labia ugly? If you're a lover of women, have you ever been turned off by labia? Please say it isn't so!
Now I learn that many women are indeed self-conscious about what they consider an "ugly vagina" because their labia are bigger or flappier or asymmetrical or in some other way not as neat and trim as those of porn stars. There's a fascinating post about this on the Daily Bedpost, a sex-advice blog by Em & Lo--Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey--the self-proclaimed "Emily Posts of the modern bedroom."
I never saw a reason to compare myself to a porn star, but if I were to find reasons, they would be more along the lines of breasts and buttocks, not labia! As much as my labia are wildly imperfect, as evidenced by the "before and after" photos of labiaplasty, it wouldn't have occurred to me to fret about this, much less consider reconstructing them. Personally, I shuddered at the "after" pictures because of the unnatural uniformity.
Who determined that our labia should look alike? Men's penises certainly don't look alike, and that's one of the joys of discovery, so to speak.
I think this must be a young woman's issue, because I never heard older women mention it, but I beg you to correct me if I'm wrong. If you're a woman, have you spent a moment worrying that your partner might find your labia ugly? If you're a lover of women, have you ever been turned off by labia? Please say it isn't so!
Women, are you sour on men?
A man who has taken one of my workshops -- I'll call him Tanner -- is 61 years old, looks a good decade younger than that, and is handsome, fit, smart, communicative, and in harmony with feminist ideals. He would love to connect with a woman of his age, but he tells me that although younger women are attracted to him, the women he meets of his age seem to have a "gender bias" against men. He tells me,
I'd like to get some feedback from both men and women about this. Personally, I don't feel it -- I love men, especially the men who work hard to destroy the gender and age stereotypes that I and many women of my generation find so frustrating, and I don't even know any women who feel the way that Tanner experiences. But this is what he experiences -- I'm not questioning the truth he describes.
Tanner is one of the good ones! Yet he finds himself shot down by women for failings they ascribe to men in general that have nothing to do with him.
I keep hearing about how men can't relate on a deep level, or how we seek younger women, but that is not happening with many of us who can't get past a barrier that so many of us feel. Far too often I encounter gender bias among older women, and am at a loss to explain that. I can tell you that I have zero tolerance for it. I am not exaggerating the effect of wisecracks against men I hear. It cuts deep.
All I can offer is that men read about what we've done wrong for many years and made a good effort to change. Many of us didn't have to change much to begin with, as we truly did not have gender bias and just needed some fine tuning about misconceptions or sensitivity. But sometimes it seems that nothing we could possibly do could be enough. These are not political or economic relations, but very emotional and close. A level of trust has to be achieved or the relationship will fail. Gender bias precludes that, so many relationships that should succeed don't. I suspect this revolution, that of gender liberation on a personal level, will take far longer than we thought.
I'd like to get some feedback from both men and women about this. Personally, I don't feel it -- I love men, especially the men who work hard to destroy the gender and age stereotypes that I and many women of my generation find so frustrating, and I don't even know any women who feel the way that Tanner experiences. But this is what he experiences -- I'm not questioning the truth he describes.
Tanner is one of the good ones! Yet he finds himself shot down by women for failings they ascribe to men in general that have nothing to do with him.
How Not to Look Old: Yucky stereotype but savvy tips
How Not to Look Old by Charla Krupp (Springboard, 2008) is a book I'd love to hate, and in many ways, I do. Krupp feeds our image self-consciousness as if she were feeding swimmers' bodies to sharks, with attitudes like we can't succeed in business and we're ludicrous and totally unappealing (not to mention unsexy) if we look our age, dress comfortably, go outside without makeup, wear gym shoes with jeans, or wear our glasses on a chain around our neck.
This advice is coming from an unwrinkled, tight-bodied former Glamour beauty director, the darling of Oprah, Tyra, and Good Morning America, who doesn't look a minute over 40. OK, that's her point: You never need to look over 40, as long as you follow her fashion and makeup rules and make your dermatologist your new best friend. Oh, and if you can, it's a good idea to spend a fortune not letting yourself look old.
I resent this woman who looks nowhere near my 64 years claiming to represent "the over 40 generation." I hate her first statement: "All right, I'm just going to come out and say it. Aging sucks." I hate that she sees age spots, crow's feet, saggy bosoms and bunions as vile and icky. I hate her premise that "to keep our paychecks and our self-esteem, we need to look young; we need to look current." I hate that she spent only one sentence on exercise (the genuine fountain of youth).
And yet, if you can get past all that, I must admit it -- this book has terrific tips for optimizing our appearance. I found myself taking notes on the chapter about how to choose a flattering pair of jeans -- who knew? I learned about a dozen new things about updating my makeup (on the rare occasions when I use anything other than a dash of lipstick).
I surely would love to debate Krupp about aging, appearance, and our attitudes towards both, though. Do you think Oprah would invite me?
Peter: "We want emotional connection as much as women do"
Peter is a reader who has written thoughtful comments in the past. I found his latest email so interesting that I'm posting it here, for your comments:
Let's hear from both women and men about this issue. I challenge you to express yourself without stereotpying the other gender. The way to tear down barriers is one honest communication at a time.
We're listening....
I was struck by the hostility from "Jeane," and pleased by your response, characterizing it as "anti-male". It certainly was. I've been playing the personals for a while and have been struck by the sexism that exists even here in the center of gender enlightenment (San Francisco).
When people can hide behind the anonymity of the internet, a lot of heartfelt feelings are exposed, and some of them are bitter. I understand that sexism against women is as old as recorded history, and that men need to come to terms with resentment that will inevitably be released in forums in which face to face contact exists, and much more in forums where the discomfort of a personal retort is absent. I'm prepared for that, and make a point of identifying myself as a feminist in my responses, but still am distressed by the hostility of the type I read from Jeanne.
If there is any message you can convey to older women through your forum, please tell them that many men are trying hard to get past this barrier to male-female relations that an oppressive culture imposes, but it's a two way street and we must get encouragement, not dismissal, when we make that honest effort.
My experience in internet dating - or attempts at it - is that many women begin with a chip on their shoulders, posting ads that lead with "where are the good men," "are there any good men left," "don't bother if you're (fill in the blank)," or disclaimers about not being there for casual sex.
The theme seems to be that men are presumed to be lurking on a romantic website for a quick lay. The reality is that men and women have a different biology, and that becomes very apparent at menopause. We know that, and to assume a man in his fifties, trying to connect with a woman his age, is ignorant of or impatient to the need to be considerate of those facts is condescending. We want emotional connection as much as women do, will do what's necessary to get it, including working with her around sexual issues.
But women need to give us a chance, not assume we will think less of them because we have changed in different ways and at different rates. We want you, ladies. We're ready to try.
Let's hear from both women and men about this issue. I challenge you to express yourself without stereotpying the other gender. The way to tear down barriers is one honest communication at a time.
We're listening....
Man asks "Do women fantasize during sex?"
Larry, age 70, wrote me that he used to be a swinger, but settled into monogamy because his wife would not have agreed to the swinging lifestyle. He satisfies his desire for variety through fantasy while self-pleasuring.
Larry wonders whether women fantasize while they're having sex, either with a partner or solo. "Who do they fantasy about (a) old lovers, (b) movie stars or (c) someone that they would just like to have sex with?" Larry asks.
Any women want to respond?
Larry wonders whether women fantasize while they're having sex, either with a partner or solo. "Who do they fantasy about (a) old lovers, (b) movie stars or (c) someone that they would just like to have sex with?" Larry asks.
Any women want to respond?
Kiss Tomorrow Hello: Midlife Underground
I really enjoyed reading Kiss Tomorrow Hello: Notes from the Midlife Underground by 25 Women Over Forty. These essays reflect the thoughts, life events and relationships of 25 excellent women writers reflecting on age, health, love, sex, and change.
The writers range in age from 40 to much older, and I found their experiences and perspectives fascinating. For example, Joyce Maynard, at 51, discusses what she discovered from her foray into Internet dating ("maybe an amazing relationship is something you painstakingly build, not something that hits you like a lightning bolt... viewing the process as a search more like a road trip to parts unknown."). Karen Karbo discloses details about her relationship with a man 16 years younger ("OWs [Older Women] have learned that guys...like sex, and they like it when their women like it, and that's about it. [Younger women] worry far too much about cellulite. Basically if you're naked and smiling, men are pretty happy.")
The essay that gripped me the hardest was "Tearing Up the Sheets: A Meditation on Middle-Age Sex" by Ellen Sussman. As I read it, I kept running to my husband to read him parts. For example,
My husband and I prefer to make love in the afternoon. In the evening, we're, well, tired. And we like energetic, tear-up-the-sheets kind of sex. So we steal away from our workand spend some time imitating porn stars. Then we take a long middle-age nap.
Boys come quickly. Men do not. Hallelujah.
I fumble with my jeans, pushing them down and off. I scramble to pull his T-shirt over his head -- wait, it's caught in his glasses -- and the shirt and glasses fall to the floor... He grunts when he turns toward me -- an old hip injury -- and I cringe when I lean into the cushion -- my damn back. And then we've got it right... When he enters me, he fills me. I pull him close, wanting all of him. I give him all of me.
If you're interested in this lively and provocative book, it's available from Amazon here.
No Sex for 12 Years, Now Vagina Too Tight for Penetration
Frustrated in Florida, age 61, had not had sex for nearly 12 years, until recently. She wrote in an email to me:
Apparently one's vagina does change after not using it for a long period of time. I always thought sex was like riding a bicycle, but it is not. One can't just get back on and ride! I experienced such pain during the attempted penetration that we had to stop. What a disappointing and embarrassing moment. My partner was very understanding, however I was just frustrated and disappointed.
I went to my GYN for an examination soon after and explained my circumstances. She gave me a thorough exam and said although I had many tiny lacerations and redness, my vagina seemed normal. She explained how one's vaginal lining becomes thin after menopause and her advise was to abstain from sex for two weeks, using lubrication to aid in healing.
When we engaged in sex again, very gently, I was once again disappointed with the level of pain even though using lots of lubrication. We once again had to stop.
So now I am wondering if there is some way I can stretch my vagina for it seems like it has shrunk. (Perhaps it is just my imagination running wild!)
Have you had anyone else write you with a similar problem and if so is there a solution? For your information I have never been on hormones and my partners
penis is of normal size.
No, it's not your imagination, and yes, it's true that the vagina will seem to shrink after a long period of abstinence, especially after menopause, and penetration will be painful or sometimes impossible. I did, in fact, deal briefly with this in my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty. I had interviewed a 75-year-old woman who had been celibate for 38 years and was in a new relationship. She was unable to have intercourse because her vagina had dried and narrowed to the point that penetration was impossible. She sought help from her gynecologist (a wonderful woman who has bought dozens of copies of Better Than I Ever Expected to give to her patients!), who helped her with stretching exercises.
I'm disappointed that your gynecologist is not this helpful. Telling you you're "normal" while you have lacerations and pain is not helpful, is it?
Please read Step-by-step program for Vaginal Renewal by Myrtle Wilhite, M.D., at A Woman's Touch, a wonderful sexuality resource center in Madison, WI. It tells you step by step how to massage and stretch your vagina. Dr. Wilhite permitted me to quote an abridged version of these steps in Better Than I Ever Expected, and I'm repeating them here for you:
* External Moisturizing and Massage: Increase the suppleness and blood circulation of the skin of your vulva and vagina with a five- to ten-minute massage with a moisturizing sexual lubricant like Liquid Silk®, a water-based lotion that will soak in and moisturize your skin, won't get sticky, and will help you massage with very little friction.
Push in to the skin with circular strokes, and massage what's underneath the skin, rather than brushing across the skin. Include the inner lips, the hood of the clitoris, the head of the clitoris and the perineum.
To complete your external massage, massage into the opening of the vaginal canal, using the same circular strokes. The massage itself does not need to be self-sexual in any way, but if that is comfortable for you, by all means explore these sensations.
* Internal Vaginal Massage: To massage inside your vaginal canal, we suggest using a lucite dildo which is very smooth and will not cause friction or tearing. Choose your size based upon how many fingers you can comfortably insert into the opening of your vagina.
After a session of external vulva massage, apply the same massage to the inner surfaces of your vagina with your dildo with lubricant applied on both skin and dildo. Rather than pushing the dildo in and out, use a circular massage movement. You are increasing skin flexibility so that your body can adjust to comfortable sexual penetration if you choose it.
You might also choose to use a slim vibrator for massaging the vaginal walls. Coat it in Liquid Silk and then insert it gently. Turn it on and let it run for about five minutes. You don't need to move it around, just lie there and let it do its work.
* Orgasm: For women who stop having orgasms, the blood vessels literally can get out of shape, preventing future orgasms. If you are able to bring yourself to orgasm, do so at least once a week (for the rest of your life). (Seriously.) This is preventive maintenance of your body.
* Kegel Relaxation: Kegels increase both the strength and flexibility of your pelvic floor muscles. Pay attention to the relaxation and deep breath part of the exercise. Learning to relax your pelvic floor will help you to avoid tensing up before penetration. (In Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty I also give Dr. Wilhite's tips for perfect Kegels.)
I plan to go into more detail in the new book I'm writing, which goes more deeply into the challenges of staying sexually vibrant in an aging body, and how to cope with these challenges.
Best wishes for a joyful resolution to this problem -- please keep me posted.
--Joan
What makes a 60+ woman attractive?
Erica, age 64, got out of a bad marriage with her zest for life (and sex) intact. She experienced some exhilarating (though short-term) sexual relationships through online dating, but ultimately quit trying to find her match after too many rejections. Now she tells me,
I'd like to hear from other women who are either in Erica's situation or feel they've overcome those feelings. I'd also like to hear from men who can identify or describe the "it" factor in women who attract them despite not being young or conventionally gorgeous.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Joan
I think my main problem is feeling attractive to the opposite sex at my age. I notice that there are older women who attract men no matter how old they are. They have what I call the “it” factor. They’re not necessarily beautiful, but they radiate self confidence. My friend’s mother had men pursuing her into her 80s. I never had the the “it” factor when I was young and pretty, so how am I going to get it now when I really have good reasons not to feel attractive. I’d like to see that question answered.
I've studied such women by the way and I do have a few clues. My friend's mom was a former glamour girl who had been pursued by men her whole life and she retained that charm and youthfullness until she died. She dressed in ridiculously youthful clothes but I guess men liked that. She acted as if she was gorgeous even when she was very old and always just assumed she'd be the center of attention wherever she was.
Another friend--around my age-- has ALWAYS been very attractive to men even though she's short and dumpy with not great skin. She's also very charming (charm is key), has a sense of personal style (both these women do) and radiates friendliness combined with a rather haughty attitude that she is the arbiter of intelligence and what matters in life that gets men (and women in fact) working for her approval.
Such women are very seductive--and the key is they don't try to attract men, they don't care if men are attracted to them, that's the self-confidence factor. They're just charming, outgoing and friendly. I've also noticed (and was once told by a woman who attracted a lot of guys) that being very friendly is key. Men want to be around women who make them feel accepted.
I'm kind of shy so have trouble with friendliness. What's helped me is owning an extremely cute dog. He's a conversation starter and I'm much less shy when he's with me.
I'd love to hear more suggestions that don't rely on looks, or pretending you're someone you're not.
I'd like to hear from other women who are either in Erica's situation or feel they've overcome those feelings. I'd also like to hear from men who can identify or describe the "it" factor in women who attract them despite not being young or conventionally gorgeous.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Joan
What Don't Older Men/Women Understand about Pleasing Each Other?
I received this email from Jeane, who doesn't feel that men understand older women's sexual needs. I've had similar complaints from men about women.
I know that Jeane's email may seem anti-men, and I hope you realize that this blog is absolutely pro-men as well as pro-women. I encourage you to express yourself, and by communicating candidly, perhaps we can begin to erase (or at least smudge) the lines that divide us.
Let's open up a dialogue about what we'd like the other gender to understand about pleasing us. Please add to the discussion by posting a comment or by emailing me, and I'll post it for you.
-- Joan
I have found through an eternity, that the only good sex partner I ever had was my first husband. None could beat him. And that meant going through husband number two as well who didn't know much. And during those years of my divorce, and was single, I have been with a few. I have found what men don't know about pleasing women could fill an encyclopedia that would wind around the earth's circumference.
The Big Bravado they show from teen-aged boys through the ages is just that...Big Bravado. They haven't got a clue to a woman's sexually and what really "gets her going." No wonder women have given up and use dildos and other prosthetic objects to obtain some satisfaction. I'm at the "ho-hum" stage...live with it or without
it...and of course, there's always a dildo. Just sick of it all... Over-exposed and repressed all at the same time.
As for pleasing women, older women need MORE TIME being aroused. Problem is, with time, most men require less or else they "lose it." There are sex shops now that will accommodate needs for both.I found out about them because I had "brachytherapy" treatments in the spring of 2005 after a hysterectomy and have to use "something" once a week to keep myself "open" or I can close up from scar tissue from these radiation treatments. Therefore, I can tell you that I got rid of modesty when my physical well being was involved and went to one of these shops.
You have my permission to use all this material. Maybe someone else out there went through something similar.
I know that Jeane's email may seem anti-men, and I hope you realize that this blog is absolutely pro-men as well as pro-women. I encourage you to express yourself, and by communicating candidly, perhaps we can begin to erase (or at least smudge) the lines that divide us.
Let's open up a dialogue about what we'd like the other gender to understand about pleasing us. Please add to the discussion by posting a comment or by emailing me, and I'll post it for you.
-- Joan
Sexy Seniors Pose Nude For Charity Calendar
I love this! A group of women in their 70s and 80s decided to pose nearly nude for a calendar to raise money for their historical society in Monongahela, a small community near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The Associated Press picked up the story, which is why you'll read it in your newspaper and hear it on the radio. The most interesting part of this story is the reactions from the media. Just what you'd expect -- the newspapers label it "weird news" and newspeople comment, "I don't think I'll want to look at that."
Why not? At what age does a woman cease to be sexy or attractive? 39? 45? 50? Personally, I think we get sexier and more attractive as we age, because we radiate who we are, our vigor and experience, our self-knowledge, our capacity for loving and living. We "earn" our wrinkles -- they are our badges of experience. Anyone who would dismiss the twinkle in our eye because of the wrinkles in our neck deserves to miss out on what we can offer!
I haven't seen the calendar, but I understand the props -- poinsettia, umbrella, piano -- are strategically placed so that nothing shows except face, neck, and maybe a bare shoulder. But it's still cool that these women had the gumption and self-confidence to say, hey, let's shake things up a bit!
Young Man Desires Older Women
Sean writes from Wisconsin,
Sean, I'm discovering that many young men are attracted to older women for exactly the reasons you say: "something about a women who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature." Believe me, many women would jump at the chance to get to know you if they knew about you. Some suggestions for approaching an older woman who interests you:
1. Converse, listen (very important!), and flirt as you would with a woman of any age. Yes, she'll recognize the signs. She might be shy about letting you see her signs, in case she fears she's misreading yours, so keep her talking.
2. Don't rush things along -- she wants to know she interests you as a person, not just a potential bed partner.
3. Look into her eyes a lot. Really listen and respond to what she's saying.
4. Lean towards her to give the body signal that you're interested. Watch for these signs from her: eye contact; leaning towards you; arms relaxed (not crossed in front of chest); playing with hair, clothing, or jewelry.
5. After a nice, long conversation, where you feel there's a connection, you might ask her outright: "I wonder if there's any reason I should not ask you out."
6. If she says, "I'm old enough to be your mother," you can ask, "I really like the maturity and intelligence of older women. The question is, am I too young to interest you?"
7. If you're really brave, carry a copy of my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and carry it around. When she asks about the book, say something like, "I find older women very attractive, and I hope this book will help me understand them better -- in all ways."
I wrote about the experiences of Judy, 62, who loved men in their twenties in Older Women, Younger Men last September. Let's keep talking about this, because I know it is a fantasy of many older women and younger men, and for some, it's a passionate reality.
I am 26 and have no problem getting dates with women my age. I'm a young professional and have confidence in my abilities with women my age. However, I am incredibly attracted to older women. I don't want to say anything to friends because it feels abnormal, but I find such beauty in maturity. I work in a professional environment where I am around professional older women all the time. I can't help but fantasize about them. I'm sure part of it is that my hormones are going crazy, but there really is something more to it. There is something about a woman who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature that drives me wild. Is this wrong? And if it's not, do older women even take men my age seriously? When I'm talking to someone my age, it's easy to read and give signs, because it's commonplace for people in my age group to make a romantic connection - it's on people's minds. In conversation with an older woman, that assumption isn't there. Is there anything you feel will work better for making a signal to an older woman? Are there any phrases (not pick-up lines) that would serve as cues? What should I look for?
Sean, I'm discovering that many young men are attracted to older women for exactly the reasons you say: "something about a women who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature." Believe me, many women would jump at the chance to get to know you if they knew about you. Some suggestions for approaching an older woman who interests you:
1. Converse, listen (very important!), and flirt as you would with a woman of any age. Yes, she'll recognize the signs. She might be shy about letting you see her signs, in case she fears she's misreading yours, so keep her talking.
2. Don't rush things along -- she wants to know she interests you as a person, not just a potential bed partner.
3. Look into her eyes a lot. Really listen and respond to what she's saying.
4. Lean towards her to give the body signal that you're interested. Watch for these signs from her: eye contact; leaning towards you; arms relaxed (not crossed in front of chest); playing with hair, clothing, or jewelry.
5. After a nice, long conversation, where you feel there's a connection, you might ask her outright: "I wonder if there's any reason I should not ask you out."
6. If she says, "I'm old enough to be your mother," you can ask, "I really like the maturity and intelligence of older women. The question is, am I too young to interest you?"
7. If you're really brave, carry a copy of my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and carry it around. When she asks about the book, say something like, "I find older women very attractive, and I hope this book will help me understand them better -- in all ways."
I wrote about the experiences of Judy, 62, who loved men in their twenties in Older Women, Younger Men last September. Let's keep talking about this, because I know it is a fantasy of many older women and younger men, and for some, it's a passionate reality.
Dean asks, "Does Granny like oral sex?"
I just got an email from Dean, who describes himself as "a very active 70 year old" from Kansas. He asks this:
Dean, I imagine our readers will have plenty to say, but let me start out by saying that calling a woman with whom you want to have sex "Granny" or "Lassie" just isn't sexy! I don't know how you interact with these women, or what you call them during pillow talk, but your wording here makes me wonder!
As far as whether older women like oral sex, there's no percentage I can give you. I can tell you that the better the man is at giving oral sex -- the more he tunes in to the sounds and movements that show him what she likes -- the better she'll enjoy it. That means not developing a one-technique-fits-all approach, but gathering many skills and the most important skill: being attentive to her cues and responding to them.
I'd like to recommend a book to you, Dean, and to every man who wants to understand better what a women enjoys during oral sex: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner. This book is clever, practical, and full of tips and techniques guaranteed to help any man become a better lover!
Joan: I have had sex with ladies 40 to 74 in the last ten years. However I am diabetic and take pills for high blood pressure, so due to those two items I am as you guessed, impotent to the Nth degree. I have had and given oral sex to several partners but I feel like they feel that this isn't normal. My question, I guess, is, does granny really like this or is it that she feels, well, that's all he can do? Can you come up with a ball park figure in percentages of the lassies that do and don't get excited about oral sex? I have known ladies that were extremely sexual but would have nothing to do with oral. Is this very much the way granny thinks? Joan, I love the ladies and they like me, but what's a relationship without a little pandering?
Dean, I imagine our readers will have plenty to say, but let me start out by saying that calling a woman with whom you want to have sex "Granny" or "Lassie" just isn't sexy! I don't know how you interact with these women, or what you call them during pillow talk, but your wording here makes me wonder!
As far as whether older women like oral sex, there's no percentage I can give you. I can tell you that the better the man is at giving oral sex -- the more he tunes in to the sounds and movements that show him what she likes -- the better she'll enjoy it. That means not developing a one-technique-fits-all approach, but gathering many skills and the most important skill: being attentive to her cues and responding to them.
I'd like to recommend a book to you, Dean, and to every man who wants to understand better what a women enjoys during oral sex: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner. This book is clever, practical, and full of tips and techniques guaranteed to help any man become a better lover!
Sue Katz Blog: Consenting Adult: Lust, Kink and Culture
Help launch me & my cleavage into the blogosphere...” writes Sue Katz in her first post on her blog, Consenting Adult: Rants & Reviews on Lust, Kink and Culture. Sue, approaching age 60, indeed bares her cleavage in her photo as well as her words on this provocative blog. I interviewed Sue, former professional martial artist and world traveller, and now a writer living in Boston.
JP: Your blog is called “Consenting Adult.” What’s the focus?
SK: I’m working on a book about kink and older people, so the blog is a place to explore many of those ideas. I focus on people over 45 and all things sexual – especially alternative sexualities. I write about culture – everything from books (bondage and beyond) and movies (I hated “Notes on a Scandal”). I also react to current events, such my recent piece about National Secretary’s Week. I have written about Jane Austen, reported on recent surveys (“Solo Play More Orgasmic than Partner Sex”) and compared partner dancing to kinky sex.
JP: How do you define “alternative sexualities”?
SK: I know from my own life that human sexuality is as elastic as the pants I wear to work out in. I was a butch lesbian until my 50s and now I’m in a relationship with a man. I believe people can get turned on in more ways than they might suspect – whether it’s kinky play or intimacy with someone of the same sex. Some people organize their love-life differently – such as those into swinging and polyamory. Other people explore fetishes – specific images or activities that curl their toes.
JP: What’s the connection with age?
SK: After a wild young adulthood, my sex life was pretty muted in my 40s. Like many women, after menopause I had this rush of horniness and since I met my boyfriend it has been extremely passionate. I started noticing that in many ways alternative practices suited aging lovers. For example, bondage or spanking don’t require hardness or wetness. There’s a whole body out there – beyond traditional intercourse – and many sweet sensations. I also started noticing that lots of older people are stepping out of old sexual habits into brave new thrills.
JP: Your final word?
SK: It’s not a coincidence that so many writers are looking at the heat our generation is generating – as we always have. I love your work, Joan, and am glad that so many of us are talking about our adventures openly. Thanks for inviting me!
