Single Seniors Mixer now happening after my talks!

I was speaking at Copperfield's Books in Sebastopol, CA, to a roomful of eager listeners, mostly our age. My favorite part is always the Q&A segment, which this time ran until the staffer announced that we had to stop because the store was closing.

Many of the questions were from singles about dating. For example:

• "Is it OK to lie about my age on the online dating sites?" a beautiful, vibrant woman of 70+ asked. "If I tell the truth, no one will date me." I got on my soapbox about telling the truth, changing society's view of older people as unsexy and undesirable by showing that yes, we're 72 or 67 or 78 and still sexy. Coincidentally, Helen Mirren at 66 was just voted "Body of the Year" against plenty of 20-30-year-old celebrities. (I know we're not Helen Mirren, but my point stands.)

• "Are condoms really necessary at our age?" Yes! Most of group was flabbergasted when I told them that fastest growing population for new HIV infections was the 50+ age group. "Should I repeat that?" I asked. People nodded. I repeated it. "People with SDSs don't tell you the truth -- sometimes they don't even know they're infected, and sometimes they lie!" I explained why I felt it was important to have a whole chapter in Naked at Our Age about safe sex, and I gave tidbits from that chapter about having the "condom conversation" and about eroticizing condom use.

After the audience disbanded, several people, mostly unpartnered, came up to me to ask more questions. But the store was closing, and we had to stop.

Afterwards, I realized I had missed a great opportunity. I should have invited the singles to join me at a restaurant next door for dessert and conversation. I should have organized a "Senior Singles Mixer."

So that's what I did at Book Passage in Corte Madera, CA, the following Saturday. It turned out to be more a discussion group than a "see if there's someone here you want to date" event. We talked candidly about our personal dating experiences, hopes, apprehensions. We listened to each other with interest and compassion, and left understanding more about each other and ourselves.

I'm motivated now to announce a "Senior Singles Mixer/ Discussion" at the end of all my talks from now on, as long as the organizers agree. My next one is at the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco on August 18. (See more info about this and all my upcoming events here.)

Join me?

If you're not nearby, what would you like to discuss in a Single Seniors Mixer/ Discussion group? You can bring up topics right here.

Your Questions about Senior Sex

When I give a talk about senior sex, my favorite part is answering your questions. I feel both proud and humble that you trust me (and the audience) enough to voice your concerns.

I've been traveling to tell people about my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex and talking at bookstores, sexuality shops, a senior center, a restaurant, and my 50th high school reunion (!) about the myths and realities of older age sexuality. Here are some of the most frequent questions and topics you've been sharing:

• The #1 question from partnered seniors is how to revive a dull, infrequent, or nonexistent sex life. I talk about scheduling sex and understanding that at our age, desire often follows physiological arousal rather than the other way around. In other words, getting started with touching and kissing will get you in the mood after your body starts responding -- don't wait to be in the mood.

• Single seniors ask about the importance of safe sex, hoping (from the wording of your questions and the looks on your faces) that I'll tell you we probably don't need condoms at our age. I tell you the opposite of that -- yes, we need to use condoms, and we should do so whether someone tells us his or her health history or not. The fastest growing population for new HIV infections is the over 50 age group.

•  Women whose partners experience erectile difficulties often don't understand what's going on ("Is it because I don't attract him any more?") or what to do to keep the sensuality going in the relationship ("Isn't it cruel teasing if I want to touch and be touched?").

• Both men and women scoff at the idea of sex toys until I tell them why a well-placed vibrator can mean the difference between orgasm or not.

Is it any surprise that that one place people were reluctant to ask questions was my high school reunion? It's understandable -- we were with people we hadn't seen since we were 17 and our main sex problem was how to hide our activities from our parents! When I saw that my classmates were uneasy about asking questions, I said, "If you'd rather talk to me privately, I'll be giving consultations in the corner."

For the rest of the weekend, people came up to me to request their "consultation in the corner"!

Your comments are welcome. If you were in my audience, what question do you hope I'd answer? If you're brave, include the answer you think I'd give!

If you want to be in my audience for real, click here to see my upcoming events. I'd love to meet you!

Saying "No" with Class: Rejections I've Liked

I thank you for the positive response to my Dating Advice for Men Over 50. My dabbling in online dating continues to be interesting, often funny, sometimes frustrating when the dating sites seem to ignore my criteria when announcing with great fanfare that they've found a match for me.

As I've said earlier, I'm going into this to expand my social life and meet good men who might become friends, or provide an hour of interesting conversation, or stimulate me to pursue a deeper relationship -- or just remind me why I enjoy my single life. I'm not earnestly seeking a soul mate or looking to get married. This gives me the advantage of being able to take this whole process lightly, and my day is not ruined by a rejection or by the paucity of applause-inducing matches.

Sometimes I read a profile that leaves me saying, "Wow! I'd like to know this person!" and I send an e-note expressing why his profile interested me. Occasionally my interest is returned, but that's rare (I'm not sure why). Usually I'm ignored. I really like it, though, when the recipient of my interest sends me a polite "No, thank you."

To encourage you to do this, here are some of the nice ways I've been turned down:

•     Thanks for the note and kind comments. My age range is general, like any sensible man would say, but it can be a factor. Equally, if not more, important, is the geographic range. While I know that your city is not on the other side of the moon [comment from Joan: we live about 40 mi. apart], it is too far for me at this point of this odd online dating process. I have tried the long distance relationship a few times, and each time, it proved too much the struggle. So, thanks for reaching out, and I wish you the best. 
•    I am so honored that you would send me an email. You look and sound like a delightful woman, and I enjoyed reading your profile. However, as flattered as I am by your contact, it's my strong hunch that we're really not a match. So, let me send you my best wishes for meeting your match.  
•    Actually, I am looking for a soul-mate. Dating and friendship is fine, but I would like to "go all the way" as it were. About four years ago, I dated a woman who had lost her husband and I thought we were a pretty good fit, but she loved her husband very much and had no room for me. You seem like a smart and interesting person, and I could be making a mistake, but somehow I feel that we aren't a good fit either. You may be right in looking for a widower. Thanks for writing me.
•    Thank you for the contact and the nice words. I am in a process of transition, learning to listen to myself and find out what I am looking for at this juncture in my life. You seem like a beautiful and interesting person. However at this point I don't feel that we would be a good match for dating. I send my heartfelt wishes to you to find the person and love that you seek and deserve.

 Readers: Have you received "no, thank you" notes that made you smile instead of cringe? Have you sent any you'd like to share?

1/30/11 update: Here's a rejection I really didn't like -- after a few emails and a phone conversation, an interesting man and I  made a walking date -- and he didn't show up. Didn't show up, didn't call, didn't respond to my "are you running late?" phone messages. I wasn't even close to home -- I was out of town (out of my town; in his town) on a weekend trip, and could have planned something more stimulating than waiting at the designated meeting spot. I didn't know people our age could be that discourteous.

2/2/11 update: I was surprised by a phone call from the no-show described 1/30 -- turns out he was injured and in the hospital, and days later felt up to making his way through returning calls and notifying people. So I completely misjudged him, and I apologize.

Dear John, I Love Jane: book review

 Dear John, I Love Jane -- isn't the title perfect? -- is a new anthology edited 

by Candace Walsh and Laura André (who happen to be a couple) and written by women who left their straight life/ relationships/ husbands because they fell in love with women. 



 

Candace Walsh and Laura André



Some always knew they were attracted to women, but bowed to society's norm and married men anyway. Others had no idea they could or would fall in love with a woman.

The stories are engrossing, well-crafted, intimate, and dramatic. I felt I was sitting in a room hearing these women's personal stories -- their conflicts, thrills, misgivings (sometimes), and declarations.

When Seal Press offered me this book to review, I emailed back,"I hope some of the stories highlight women over 50." I was surprised and pleased to learn that several of these authors are over 50, and in case you want to read their stories first--as I did--here are their names: Leigh Stuart, Sheila Smith, Susan Grier, Meredith Maran, Kami Day, Micki Grimland, and Katherine Briccetti.




Sheila Smith

  I loved many of the stories, including "Memoirs of a Wanton Prude" by Sheila Smith, who first fell in love with a woman at age 69. As a teen, she was taught that gays and lesbians were "Sick! Immoral! Perverted!" and she fought back her feelings until age 50. Still, she stayed with her husband, "reading lesbian books and [keeping] my feelngs about women under wraps. A divorce and a few years of solitude readied her to meet Diana, who taught her that "Lesbians are about intimacy": "It wasn't so much she wanted to go to bed with me; it was that she wanted to wake up with me."

  

One of the most moving stories to me was "The Right Fit" by Kami Day (also over 50), who was raised Mormon and was taught that "Heavenly Father had made one man whose penis would fit just perfectly inside my vagina," and that perfect fit would be revealed on her wedding night. It wasn't. But 15 years later, the perfect fit arrived: Michele. And 15 after that, they are still together, "using only about half the mattress in our double bed."

The writing is terrific -- often lyrical, sometimes funny, and full of surprises. For example:

Meredith Maran

• "I have always been far more turned on by our magical, slippery little orchid than by their -- what is that? A puppet? Some sort of sea creature?" (Veronica Masen)
• "My body has a need that's burning a hole through the mattress. My brain is hanging on for dear life to what remains of my heterosexuality." (Meredith Maran)
• "I had never imagined kissing another woman, but now I did, wanting to know the gentleness of soft skin, the taste of female, this female." (Susan Grier)
• "I had recurrent dreams of making out with Ellen DeGeneres in a rustic Spanish house in Santa Barbara." (Leigh Stuart)

 Dear John, I Love Jane is an important book. It is more than a lesbian anthology -- it's about women making choices at first that go counter to what they really want or need (and isn't that especially true of our age group?), then facing and accepting -- and being thrilled by! -- their true natures. It shows women's sexual fluidity in a way we seldom see or acknowledge.

When I was writing Naked at Our Age, several women over 50 sent me their stories about marrying men (some quite contently, others battling their nature) and in later life discovering love with another woman -- or wanting to experience sex with another woman and not yet putting it into action. If this book had been out then, I would have recommended it. I recommend it now!

Visit the Dear John, I Love Jane website here. Purchase on Amazon here.

As always, I welcome your comments.

Ron, age 66: "Ladies are sooo inventive!"

I love getting reader stories, and Ron, age 66, has opened my eyes to the adventures of a remarkably open and sexually active man who is enjoying his single life tremendously. Of Scots heritage, Ron enjoys wearing kilts "for their obvious freedom and comfort and fun." He illustrates:

Dating a lady my age, we're out for lunch at a chain restaurant sitting in a booth and suddenly her bare feet are under my kilt lovingly massaging my boy parts. No one can see. We know. Ladies are sooo inventive."

Ron does a lot of online dating, and enjoys women our age.

I have met a lot of wonderful women. Despite the protest on the Internet profiles, a common first date includes making love at the lady's initiative. Most often I'm the boy toy and they want to use my body for their own pleasure. I think its wonderful.

Since there are more single women than men of our age, Ron has a concept of the ideal retirement community which includes "man sharing":

What if say three lonely ladies got together and chose a compatible man to share an nice large home with. Share the rent, share the chores, share the love. Seems it would sure beat living alone. I'm sure someone's way ahead of me on this. Gotta be happening already. For the longest time I thought of it as something I, as a surviving male would do - go out and find three women who would be up for such an arrangement. Lately, I've realized such a group would be better formed if the ladies bonded first then sought out the male to share together.

Ron's satisfied lovers already pass him on to one another:

Looking back over my lovers since my divorce there have probably been seven or eight who were "referrals" from previous lovers.  Its probably a woman thing that I don't understand - but deeply appreciate.

What do you think? Men, do women "refer" you to their friends? Women, if you date a man who leaves you with a smile on your face, do you tell your single friends to get in touch with him? Though I have no direct experience with this, I must admit it's an intriguing idea!

Thank you, Ron, for your willingness to go public with your story!

Dating Advice to Men Over 50

Yes, I've started online dating, and I'm actually enjoying it.

I realize that my enjoyment goes hand in hand with not having anything at stake, no big expectations. I'm not looking to replace Robert (couldn't be done even if I wanted to, which I don't) or find someone to give my life meaning and joy (my life already has meaning and joy). I want to bring more male energy into my life, meet new people, get out, have new experiences. If that results in connecting with someone wonderful, that's a big bonus.

I wrote this on a message board for women over 50 in response to one person who was scared to date:

If you think of dating as your way to learn about another person and about yourself without risking anything, it can be fun -- go for coffee or a walk or dinner with someone new, talk, see what you both enjoy discussing and doing. It's when you think of dating as auditioning a potential soulmate that it becomes fraught with anxiety, unpleasantness, and emotional danger.

First dates aren't scary to me in the least. I'm interested in learning what we do and don't have in common, and which of the divergences matter a lot. Plus, the writer in me loves hearing people's stories, and first dates are a great way to learn a huge amount in an hour, because it's expected that we share our stories.

Although I'm newly dating after almost ten years, I already have some strong opinions about online dating do's and don't's. (When did you ever know me to not have strong opinions?) Here are a few, aimed at men because that's my experience. I'm sure I'll add more as I proceed, and I encourage you to add your own. (Be constructive, not nasty, please.)

Advice for Men about Profile Photos

1. Please use a current image as your default photo. It's fine to include older photos also -- I love to see the long, bushy hair you wore in 1969!--but label them with the year (if your site permits captions), and make those secondary photos, not your main one.

2. Include at least one recently taken close-up of your face. Do. Not. Wear. Sunglasses.  I can't tell you how many profiles I skip over because the man is wearing sunglasses. I need to see your eyes.

3. Have a photo taken if you don't have one already. You don't need to go to a photography studio -- all your friends have digital cameras. Make your default photo just you -- no buddies on a fishing trip, no arms around a woman who might be your daughter or maybe your ex-wife, and absolutely no edited photo with the woman at your side cropped out (we can tell)!

Advice for Men about Your Profiles

1. Please give your real age and body build. If we'll eliminate you if you're older or heavier than attracts us, so be it -- that would happen once we met anyway. By the way, I'm learning that "average" build/body type means 30 pounds overweight. Is it true for women's profiles, too, guys? Just FYI, I put a lot of energy into staying fit, strong, and healthy. In my eyes, it's not superficial to seek men who take this kind of care of themselves, too.

2. I love it when men 50+ are looking for women their age and even older, but some of you say you're seeking to date women who are at least 10 years your junior. Is that simply an attraction thing? Or are you ruling out vibrant women your age for some reason I don't understand? Sometimes I write men with this question, and occasionally it leads a man to change his upper limit requirement! Mostly, though, they don't answer.

3. I really respect those of you who give me a courtesy of a "no thank you" if I write you first and you're not interested. I see you as polite and compassionate when you write something like "Thank you for writing, but I don't see us as a match. Best wishes...." rather than not answering at all.

Advice for Men When We Meet

1. Be yourself, be truthful, tell me about yourself -- and I'll do the same.  That doesn't mean dumping details of your last health exam or therapy session, but take the opportunity to show me who you really are and what matters to you. We're too old to play the I'll-try-to-appear-to-be-who-you-want-me-to-be game.

2. Please also try to learn about me. If you do all the talking and don't ask me any questions, I don't know if it's nervousness or that you don't care who I am. As interesting as you may be, a monologue absolutely rules out a second date.

3. If we've gone out to dinner, I won't assume you'll pay because you're a man -- I'll offer to share the expense. If you prefer to pick up the check, tell me with a smile, and I'll accept with thanks. But please don't make a face, shudder, and tell me how much you hate "women's libbers" who "act like men." No kidding, someone did that recently. He's a very nice man and we had good conversation over dinner, but clearly our values and opinions don't match enough for a second date.


1/7/11 update: I really don't believe in ridiculing people, but I have to share this with you. A 46-year-old man who wants a partner age 36-48 wrote me -- I'm 67-- and probably many others from the look of his boilerplate message. Although his message didn’t attract me – he misspells words, says he likes shopping malls, and doesn’t use capital “I” – I looked at his profile. He says he has a PhD, makes more than $100,000, and ends his profile with “i am a religion person,and i am into oil and gas.” I wonder which university granted his doctorate. His only photo is in sunglasses.

I'd like to be kind and send a nice "no thank you," as I advise you to do, but what can I possibly say?

Please, good men, I know you're out there. How do we find you?

“My head knows moving on is best, but...."

“My love for my husband was so great that I am having a very difficult time considering another man,” Jean, age 74, wrote to me. “My head knows moving on is best, but my heart puts up a very good fight. Yes, it gets very lonely at times and then, at other times, I appreciate the solitude. I do believe that at this age, finding someone with whom you are compatible from a distance is best. His and her homes with visitations rights, perks, and genuinely being there for one another sounds like a plan to me! Easy to say and difficult to find!”


Jean’s email came at exactly the moment that I was trying to make sense of similar feelings. I had a “date” with a man with whom I had shared an intensely sensual relationship 27 years ago, when I was 40 and he (get ready) was 23. We had enjoyed each other immensely, then both of us had gone on to other relationships, and he had moved many states away.

Suddenly we discovered that we would be in the same city last Saturday. With anticipation and fantasies abounding, we made arrangements to meet.
How lovely, I daydreamed. Here’s a smart, gentle, witty man from my past, who gloried in giving me pleasure, and we were always able to talk candidly. Surely the 27 years apart could be wiped out for an evening of sensual nostalgia, couldn’t it? I needed to rise from grief and rediscover my sensuality with a live person rather than with sex toys. This sweet man could be the one to take my hand and lead me there.

We met, we hugged, we talked excitedly about where our lives and loves had taken us in the past decades. But then… when the time came to kiss and discover… I couldn’t. I felt myself sinking into sadness. His kiss wasn’t Robert’s. His body type wasn’t Robert’s. I pulled away.

“I really hoped I would respond sexually to you,” I told him, “but I’m not.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, cradling my head against his chest.

“I even packed condoms and lubricant, and chose my underwear with care,” I added. He laughed with me at that last revelation. “But it’s just not happening. I still miss Robert so much.”

“Tell me about him,” he said, maybe the sweetest comment he could have made.

I am grateful to my friend for his understanding, although I didn’t know whether to laugh or cringe when I read “Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be” on his Facebook page early the next day. I decided to laugh and post the comment, “Here’s to nostalgia.”

So when Jean wrote to me just after my friend and I parted, I had to agree with her sentiment, “My head knows moving on is best, but my heart puts up a very good fight.”

Worst First Dates age 50+

My new book, Naked at Our Age, deals with many issues that aren't the least bit funny -- physical and emotional challenges of aging that affect your enjoyment of your sexuality. I don't joke about these issues.

But I think the dating chapter needs (and deserves) some humor. (If not there, where?) If you've dated after age 50, you're the one who can provide it.

Tell me about your worst first date as a single senior. Just a couple of sentences or so, enough to make us shudder and be glad we weren't there. Post here (I'll assume I have permission to use your worst first date anonymously in my book), or email me. Thank you!

Sherry Halperin filled a book with her dating disasters in her hilarious Rescue Me, He's Wearing a Moose Hat: And 40 Other Dates after 50.

I'm also interested in hearing the worst first dates you avoided by not responding to bad matches from online dating profiles and emails -- what did they say that let you know you'd rather sit alone with your cat forever than have even one coffee date with this person?

To get you started, here are a few responses I got from another site where I posted this request and from email:

1. He spent the entire dinner complaining about his ex: "She just wasn't really proactive about furthering the relationship. Women over a certain age should be confident enough to take charge!" He went on and on... about how women in general expected men to take charge of everything, pay for everything, yada, yada, yada.... I stopped answering Mr. Boring and Self-Absorbed's calls after that.

2. I lived in the heart of the gay community in a very gay-friendly city. Mr. Bible Thumper was slightly shocked when he saw two men holding hands walking down the street. "Homosexuality is an abomination against God!" he declared. Well, alrighty then -- glad we cleared that up. Being an agnostic and also the sister of a late in life lesbian, I was so not in the mood for this. I asked him what difference did it make to him? How is it any skin off your nose? "I shouldn't have to be subjected to it." Oh brother. I stopped answering Mr. Bible Thumper's calls after that....

3. This was probably my thirtieth or so date when I started computer dating in my late fifties because I had decided I didn't want to live alone anymore. This guy, who was certainly presentable, and had seemed literate and sane in our email conversations, spent the first thirty minutes of our coffee date describing his medical problems in details (all I remember, mercifully, at this point is that he had had at least two heart bypasses). He told me all his numbers: blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. On and on and on. Finally, he seemed to remember that he's supposed to show an interest in the other person, so he brightly asked: "And what about you? What are YOUR health problems?"

4. He wore slippers...enough said.

Your turn! Come on, share!

Finding Love in Later Life

When Carol Denker interviewed me for her magnificent Autumn Romance, she started with this prelimary questionnaire. I came across it today and wanted to share it with you, as Valentine's Day approaches:


CD: What advice would you give to individuals over 50 who are looking for love?

JP: Participate in social activities that you love, and you’ll meet people with similar passions. In my case, I loved line dancing -- in fact, I taught line dancing.

Friends told me, “You’ll never meet a man line dancing!” It was true that 90+% of line dancers are women, but one evening a magnificent white-haired man came to my class. When he turned his ocean-blue eyes my way, I had to remember to breathe. When he started to dance, his movements revealed a lifetime of dance training

That was how I met Robert Rice, the love of my life, a man who happened to be looking for a new place to dance in December 2000.


CD: What have you learned about love from this relationship?

JP: I had no idea how deeply I could love and how precious later-life love could be. We seemed very different at first, and both of us were fiercely independent and – we thought! – unwilling to change at this stage of life to suit another person’s needs or expectations.

But I learned that the ways I needed to change to be bonded to Robert were exactly the ways I wanted to grow – and he learned the same.

We were so in love that our differences stopped mattering, and then all but disappeared, as we learned from each other and grew together in love.

When Robert was sick and on his journey to death, I learned how selflessly I was capable of loving. I learned to be less demanding and more giving. I learned to savor every moment, knowing we were on borrowed time. All that mattered was how precious he was and doing all I could to make his last months, weeks, days as comfortable, peaceful, and love-filled as I could.

Near the end, we learned to say “I love you” through squeezing each other’s hand. When I touched his chest softly and he murmured in response, we were making love.

Becka, 70: Internet dating winks, flirts, and peeves

Becka, 70, the most active member of my senior online dating posse, has been trying to puzzle out the internet dating maze. Here's her third report:

Trying to decode the mystique of the internet dating scene is a little like being lost in the middle of a Dan Brown book. “What does it all mean?” you ask yourself – many times.

My first piece was titled “Wading Into the Senior Internet Dating Pool.” I erred. The experience is more like being thrown fully clothed into the deep end of your neighbor's pool which has not been cleaned for months!

I've discovered that these dating sites pad their numbers by keeping people on the rolls who have not visited in months, in some cases, years. They are, in effect, ghosts and will not, of course, respond to your inquiries.

Despite the ghosts, I have received a slew of responses. Some men who liked my profile responded right away and a day later sent me petulant “pokes” as to why I had not answered. Hold yer horses, buster! I've yet to figure out both the etiquette and the technology of this thing. But one thing I do know, I'm deleting the guy, age 65 who is looking for a woman 40-60!

Some of the choices you have for communicating are “icebreakers,” “winks” and “flirts.” I don't know about you, but I've never winked at a guy in my life unless he was under the age of 8. If you are 60 or older, chances are you will not be comfortable taking the aggressive role. Okay, go to your corners and come out flirting! Luckily for you, it's all anonymous. That makes you braver than you thought you'd ever be with men you don't know -- and might not want to know.

Some peeves:

• Senior Match encouraged me to fill out a personality form only to disclose that I could use it if I paid. I didn't like the subterfuge. But I'm finding out that if you don't like subterfuge, don't try internet dating.
• A number of guys had signed up with two different user names, so if you rejected them once, you get a second chance to reject them all over again.
• On all of the sites I found links that didn't work, windows you had to check but they didn't drop down for you, and pages that would not come up.
• On one site I could not choose my state and so I received a dozen interested queries, the closest being from a man 750 miles away.

But I soldiered on and learned some surprising things.

Thank you, Becka! Coming soon -- what did Becka learn?

Would you like to join our senior online dating posse and report on your internet dating experiences for the education and entertainment of our readers? Email me.

Note from Joan: I apologize for posting about a particular dating site's special free weekend offer recently. I don't know if the site was overloaded or what, but one reader reported that after spending forever filling out the long questionnaire, the site gave an error message. She wasn't about to start all over again, so she emailed customer service to find out if what she had done was saved so she could continue from there. She got a form email telling her to phone -- but no one manned the phones on the weekend, and the free offer would be over by the time the phones opened. She gave up and receives frequent solicitation emails from them now. I deleted my post about the site's free weekend, so don't bother looking for it. I'm not naming the site now because I don't know if this was one person's freak experience or that's what happened to many of you -- let me know.

Widow's personal story of "touch deprivation therapy"

Ellen Taft wrote me this moving email and gave me permission to publish it here:

I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done to help me get back out there again after losing my husband of 37 years in December of 2007. I’m 63 today, and it’s been a terrifying and exhilarating experience.

My husband died a year and a half ago. It had been over 40 years since I’d dated. Getting back out there has been a real trip! But I’ve done it, largely with the help from Joan’s book, Better than I Ever Expected, and her blog here with the wonderful information and links. The link to Judith Sills, and her book, Getting Naked Again, gave me the final push.

Sills suggested having a friend “mentor” your reentry into getting naked again. So that’s what I did. I asked a dear friend and fellow recent widower to help me in this tremendous step. We had been dating for a few months, very cautiously, as he is a more recent widower, and not ready for any new relationship, but this mentoring idea appealed to him.

We “negotiated” which means we clarified just what we were doing and why, so no one would be mislead. We shared our feelings about our bodies, what we needed the other to know, our limitations, and our fears.

I asked that we use condoms or get tested for STDs. It was an amazingly honest and open sharing, and I attribute the comfort level we experienced to our "negotiations." Once we knew these intimate details about each other, the concern and caring that followed made the whole experience positive.

I had done a lot of reading, too, including Michael Castleman’s Great Sex, also mentioned in Joan’s blog, and all my reading paid off.

It was a wonderful, amazing three hours. Neither one of us could believe how smoothly it all went. We both enjoyed it so much and were so relaxed we have continued the relationship. We call it "Touch Deprivation Therapy," and oh, how it helps!

Thank you, Ellen. I'm thrilled that you shared your experience with us and that my book recommendations helped you! (Read these and my other book reviews here.)

Becka, 70, Gets Her First "Matches"

This guest blog is the second from Becka, a member of my online dating posse Enjoy Becka's online dating report, Part 2: (Read Part 1 here.)

I signed up on Match.com and was instantly overwhelmed. I saw nowhere to click for anything free. Loads of ads blared at me, so I left. Free is good. All the other sites I looked at offered choices that were free, and you could upgrade to a paying choice later if you wanted to. It feels like bait and switch when they ask if you want to see a photo, you click on “yes,” and they take you to a page where you are offered a chance to pay for it. Be patient, stand your ground. If you like the facts about someone and decide to communicate, the person him/herself will send you a photo.

I signed up feeling very broad-minded, so I said that I was interested in meeting men ages 40-90 anywhere in the world. I am 70. But I lied about that and subtracted a year because I figure a 6 was more attractive than a 7. So sue me.

But the joke was on me. I was immediately shown six “matches,” ranging in age from 47 to 82. Guess who I found the most interesting? Yup. Age 82, who lived “only” 2,751 miles from me.

Here's why I rejected the others, although some of you might find them appealing:

• Mike was a retired doctor who had no interests in anything other than things medical and golf. I hate golf.

• Robert said the most important thing in his life was his guru, whom he followed "passionately." Personally, I like a man who thinks for himself, plus I wondered would he have enough passion left over for me?

• Cal was military all the way and liked his bed made up with precision corners. Me, I like rumpled sheets, lots of pillows and an oversized, wildly colorful bedspread. Definitely not a match!

• Zeke was into fixing up his trailer.

• Allen I actually knew and thought he was a sleaze.

• Harry suddenly appeared – true! -- on the nightly news as a government employee who had been arrested for driving drunk. No thank you.

But I'm not discouraged. In fact, I'm about to send a response to Ian. He is retired, lives alone, has no family, is quiet, mild-mannered, unobtrusive and likes to fly. He is either Superman or a terrorist. So we'll see.

Thank you, Becka, for your entertaining report! Who else wants to contribute your senior online dating experiences? See my invitation here. -- Joan

Wading into the Senior Internet Dating Pool from Becka, senior online dating reporter

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Online dating for seniors: your experiences?

I'm also looking for a volunteer posse who would like to report back on an ongoing basis as you look for matches, email, meet, and date (or not). Email me if you'd like to be one of my confidential reporters.

(from my post about online dating a while back)

I guess you're a little shy about this. Right now I've got two women in my "posse" ready to report, and I'm working on getting three men to agree to share publicly what they've told me confidentially.

If you're 60-plus (OK, I'll accept youngsters age 50-60, too) and you're using online dating services and are willing to share your stories, please email me and sign up to be part of my senior online dating posse.

I'm looking for true and candid, senior online dating stories that inform and entertain my readers, aimed particularly at those who are curious about online dating and haven’t tried it yet, those who are trying and need tips for making it work, and those who just want to share vicariously your good and hideous experiences.

Sound like fun? If you send me installments as you go, with your real age and a first name of your choice, I’ll edit and post them.

Check out Straight, Single, Sixty ... and Dating by Katherine Anne Forsythe, MSW. Kat is a sexuality educator with a specialty in intimacy and aging and a friend of mine. She offers these wise tips for dating (and sex) at our age:

1. Keep your sense of humor. Have fun! Seriously, what else is there? Don’t take yourself so seriously.
2. Remember that all three legs of the stool count. All are needed for a solid relationship: financial, psychological, physical. Score high on each, and you have a winner.
3. Move on if it doesn’t feel right. Don’t waste precious time. It probably doesn’t feel right to her/him, either. Your mother is still right: There are other fish in the sea, even older fish.
4. Carry condoms. This generation rebels against condoms—most were lucky enough to dodge the AIDS epidemic because of long-term relationships. But the fifty-five-plus demographic has one of the fastest growing HIV diagnoses.
5. Carry lubricant. Women’s vaginas are drier after menopause. Use lots of lube!
6. Expect intimacy, not sex. In bed, take the emphasis off intercourse and let go of orgasm-mania from your twenties and thirties. Think pleasure, not performance.
7. Always keep time for friends. They will sustain you long after the latest love interest has gone.

Getting Naked Again book review & contest

The subtitle of Getting Naked Again (available hardcover or Kindle) by Judith Sills says it all: Dating, Romance, Sex, and Love When You’ve Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted. If you’re getting into the dating/ romance/ sex/ love world again after being out of it for a long time, this is absolutely the book you need to read.

Author Judith Sills, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of several psychology books, writes for women in a warm, pull-no-punches style and zooms in on those issues that concern – or should I say, obsess? – us when we’re considering reentering the dating game and becoming naked physically and emotionally again. It’s a a modern, how-to book about dating again, and it’s also a guide to preparing yourself to make that transition.

You’ll look at your last relationship and how it will shape your new one, mistaken fantasies and beliefs, and fears. You'll learn your best mind-set for dating success.

Whether you lost your last relationship to death, divorce, or a breakup, you were part of a romantic partnership which is no longer. You likely experienced the depths of heartbreak. Dating after heartbreak isn’t anything like like dating after college graduation. If you’re ready to forge a new relationship, or even just to tip your toes (or other body parts) in the dating waters to see how it feels, the world you’re entering is not the same as the one you left. Being single again isn’t even close to what it was in your past. Sills walks you through all this and more.

Although you don’t have to be over 50, 60, or 70 to benefit from Sills’ insights and tips, it helps. Many of her anecdotes and quotes are from women our age. And Sills doesn’t presume that you’ll wait until love or remarriage before you get naked – quite the opposite: she warns you not to mistake a first partner-assisted orgasm after emerging from a “sexual coma” for love.

FREE BOOK GIVEAWAY CONTEST! Hachette Book Group, the publisher of Getting Naked Again, has generously offered free copies of Getting Naked Again to five prizewinning readers of this blog!

Here are two ways to enter:

1. Tell your own true, candid story, 150 - 300 words, of getting naked again after age 50, 60, 70, 80, and up. Include:

What were your circumstances?
Who was the new partner and why did he/she attract you?
What misgivings did you have before shedding your clothes?
How did you overcome them?
How did it turn out?
What’s the funniest/scariest/sweetest thing that happened?

OR

2. If you need the book because you want to get naked again but haven’t yet, send me your true, candid story, 150 - 300 words, about your circumstances, your desires, your worries/misgivings/questions, and why you need this book.

You may either post your story as a comment here or email it directly to me. If you post it as a comment, please also email me so that I know who you are if you’re one of the winners. In your email, be sure to include your name, age, and address and the code name (fictitious first name) you’d like to accompany your story.

Important: By submitting your story, you agree that you give me permission to publish it with your code name (no real name, I promise) on this blog and in my next book.

Contest open to residents of the US or Canada, no PO boxes, please. The five winning entries will receive be chosen completely subjectively by Joan Price and will receive a free copy of Getting Naked Again from Hachette Book Group.

Don't "Play the Game": movie review

You'd think that a lively movie about elders dating and having sex (or wanting to) would be just the kind of film I'd applaud. I did applaud the idea of Play the Game when I first heard about it -- until I actually viewed it. Maybe I'm just too sensitive about senior sex, but I found this film neither funny nor instructive. In fact, I found it cringe-worthy for these reasons:

1. The whole premise of the movie is that widowed Grandpa Joe(Andy Griffith), living in a retirement community, is lonely but doesn't know how to play dating games, while surrounded by women, one of whom (Doris Roberts) he'd like to date, and another (Liz Sheridan) who wants to seduce him. Grandson David (Paul Campbell) takes the old man under his wing and teaches him to manipulate women.

We're led to think that Grandpa will end up reversing roles and educating Grandson about how to stop playing games and communicate honestly, respect women, and create meaningful relationships -- something Grandson has been unable to do in his own life. But (spoiler alert:) the opposite happens. We learn that the object of Grandson's affections (Marla Sokoloff) has been manipulating him more than he's been manipulating her, and has taught her grandmother (Roberts) to do the same. There, I've ruined the ending for you and you don't have to go see it.

The characters all deserve each other.

2. One of the so-called hilarious incidents is Liz Sheridan as an elder seductress crushing Viagra into a glass, adding wine, and giving it to her seductee without telling him what's in the glass. This is such a horrible, dangerous idea that I couldn't suspend my reality check long enough to laugh at the predictible results.

"It's a miracle!" exclaims our re-energized and rising hero. It wouldn't have been a miracle if he had been on heart medicine -- it would have been a death scene. How funny is that? You can view this scene online and decide for yourself.

If you must see this (and I don't recommend it, unless you want to see if you agree with me), please take a teenager with you and plan a long talk afterwards to debunk everything you saw. Otherwise, your teen might see it on his/her own and believe the dating advice aimed at both young folks and seniors.

My verdict: Ick, skip it.

Man writes, "Did I get dumped--or what?" She's recently widowed.

A male reader, I'll call him Mark, writes that he recently reconnected with his high school sweetheart from 35 years ago, whose husband had died less than a year ago. Mark and his former sweetheart met again, enjoyed each other's company (no sex), then later spent a week together and made love joyfully.

Their last day together, she became distant and uncommunicative, and when he returned home, she retreated from the usual phone and email messages they had exchanged regularly before that. She emailed him only once, saying she was having a hard time and was depressed with grief for her husband. She felt strong chemistry with Mark, but wasn't ready for the kind of relationship that Mark seemed to want. She needs to deal with her issues and doesn't want to talk to him right now. She hopes he'll understand.

Mark loves her and is confused. "Did I get dumped -- or what?" he asked me.

I don't know either of them, but I have strong feelings that I do know what's going on with her because I know the emotional turmoil of grieving and yet wanting to grab onto life. Let me share my experience, hoping that it will help Mark and others in this situation:

For the first six months or so after Robert died, I couldn't imagine ever wanting a relationship again. After all, I had been honored with seven years of the most profound love with my soul mate -- no new man could compare, and why would I want second best after experiencing "best"?

Then the life within me started stirring, then surging. How strange and wonderful that the life force is as strong as it is! I started to feel my sensuality gently knocking on my emotional door, asking to be let in (or maybe let out). I was bewildered and excited by my attraction to a casual friend who was becoming a close confidant.

Fortunately this friend is as committed to honest communication as I am, and was open about discussing my feelings and his own. We both understood that I was heavily into my grieving process still, and it wasn't the right time to make any decisions or take any actions that I might regret later.

We're all different in the "right" way to grieve. Not taking our relationship to the next level was the right path for me, and I am grateful to my friend for understanding (even better than I did) that pushing our friendship into something more had potential to hurt, even destroy, the friendship.

I probably would have reacted the way Mark's lover did -- throwing herself into sex and joy and the feelings of coming back to life after an emotional death, but then realizing she was not done grieving and in fact was now having a harder time because she had let herself get involved with someone else too soon.

Mark tells me, "I don't want to lose this special person in my life."

So here's my advice to Mark:

Let her know that you do understand, and that grief is a powerful process with its own timeline that can't be shortened. Tell her that you want to be in her life in whatever way is possible for her right now, and if that means going back to being non-sexual friends, of course you'll do that. You do need to understand what she needs and wants from you, even if that changes hourly (grief mood swings are powerful and unpredictable). If she regrets getting sexual with you, could she please tell you so you understand better?

And then let her be. If it's right, she'll be back when she's ready. If it's not, I hope she can tell you so you can move on.

I hope this is helpful, Mark. Thank you for sharing it with me and with my readers here.

Online Dating Sites for Seniors?

7/25/09: I'm updating this post from two weeks ago with new information -- see end of post.

I hear and read both delightful and icky stories from readers who are using online dating sites. Have you met people this way? Has it worked for you? What are the highs and lows of this new world of dating opportunity?

I hear from readers that both men and women notoriously post outdated photos on their profiles, understate age and weight, overstate financial stability and looks, and so on. At the other end of the happiness bell curve, I hear from readers who instantly (or after 3 dates) had great sex and/or found a love connection with someone they met this way.

Let's get specific -- which sites do you use, or have you used, and what have your dates been like? Which ones have a lot of single seniors to choose from? What are the pros and cons of the sites you've used? Inspiring stories, funny stories, worst-date stories -- I welcome them all. I'd like to hear from single seniors and elders so that the information is targeted to my readers, and please name the site.

I'm also looking for a volunteer posse who would like to report back on an ongoing basis as you look for matches, email, meet, and date (or not). Email me if you'd like to be one of my confidential reporters.

Note: Please don't comment here in order to advertise a site you operate or work for. Instead, if you're affiliated with an online dating site, please email me with all pertinent info rather than commenting here. I promise I'll respond and look into what your site offers.

Update: "Granny B" is a 69-year-old widow "looking for one last Love." she writes a funny and informative blog titled GrannyBoogies on the highway of life chronicling her adventures in online dating. Although at first she didn't identify the sites she's using, instead giving them pet names like "Silvermatch" and "fishyfishy," her July 24 post -- "Granny's adventures in cyber date land or somewhere out there..." -- tells which six online dating sites she has used: e-harmony, Senior Match, Plenty of Fish, Senior Friend Finder, BBW and Cupid. She shares wisdom and caveats, such as this:

Beware of guys who are "legally separated" and don't post a photo of themselves. Watch out for profile names (you usually don't use your real name for your profile, I am Granny Boogies, Granny B and NVHeart on my profiles). If you find a profile name like 694U or Buttlover, you might want to take a pass. You also might want to skip the profiles without any personal information, where the answers are "just send me a message". Watch out for guys who take photos of themselves in their bathroom. Keep a sense of humor, remember men are both wonderful and strange. Use common sense, first dates in a public place and let someone know where you are. Yes, we are grownups so let's use our grownup smarts.

SF Bay Area Man, 62, seeks compatible woman

I get emails from both men and women of our age, wondering if the partners they seek exist, and if so, where to find them. Sometimes their emails to me sound like enticing personals ads or online dating profiles, like this one from Ron:

Transplanted New Yawker now living in the San Francisco Bay Area - youthful, intelligent, energetic, 62-year-old product of the '60s who finds himself alone and both emotionally and sexually frustrated.

I'm looking for a woman compatible with my philosophy and lifestyle: vegetarian, environmental/animal advocate, non-materialistic though not ascetic, nature lover, low-tech. I have many interests and possess an irreverent, warped, at times bawdy sense of humor. A good conversationalist/listener, playful and mature for my age (LOL). Still some hair left on my head, diminutive in stature but in proportion to my weight, free of facial follicles, metal implants or body art (prefer women who can say the same). Have become a rather serious birder and am involved with the local Audubon chapter. Enjoy movies, walks, live music, travel, photography, among other activities.

My libido is very much intact, even if the machinery does not work as it once did. My imagination, creativity and desire to please and be pleased in the erotic realm, however, have not abated one bit.

My ideal woman would be intelligent, mature, funny, affectionate, compassionate, easygoing, down to earth, love the outdoors and animals, have a good head on her shoulders, serious when warranted but able to find the humor in almost anything. Maybe an earth mother type who has retained the best of traditional hippie values but with some seasoning and wisdom that comes with age and experience. Someone who has the time and inclination to literally and figuratively stop to smell the roses, listen to the birds sing and share the simple pleasures of life.

I have not clicked with anyone for quite some time and no longer even know where to find potentially appropriate partners. What's a boy to do?

I generally refuse to do matchmaking, but over several emails, Ron has struck me as someone who has a lot to give. If you live in the SF Bay Area and you're a great fit for Ron, email me and I'll see what I can do to put you together -- just this once, though!

For the rest of you, can you help me advise Ron where he will meet women with like interests in the SF Bay Area? I have a few ideas where women who fit Ron's wish list might be hanging out, and I invite you to lengthen my list:

• Join Sierra Singles.
  
• Set up a birding singles group.
  
• Spend this weekend at the Kate Wolf Festival .
  
• Spend time in Berkeley, West Marin, and Sebastopol.
  
• Take my line dancing class in Sebastopol or Santa Rosa. (80-90% of line dancers are women, very friendly and welcoming, and most have single women friends.)

Podcast: Sex & Intimacy, Senior Style

Hear life coach Chip August interview me for his Sex & Intimacy podcast series on Personal Life Media. We chatted about senior sex, what it was like to write Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty (especially for Robert, an artist and a private person, who found himself negotiating which details about our sex life would appear on the printed page), and helpful tips for a better sex life at our age.

We discussed, for example, that an older women's lack of lubrication does not mean she isn't sexual aroused, and how applying lubricant can bring back the joy of friction and become part of the love play. I tell men "what we women really want" (listen up, guys!) and why sex toys can take us over the top.

Chip August is a marvelous interviewer -- lively, informed, sex-positive, and smart. Do listen to the podcast, which you can hear online or find on iTunes.