10 Tips for Hot Solo Senior Sex

4/12/11: I just updated these tips, originally posted 12/24/10 in response to my 10 Tips for Hot Sex after Sixty, which was aimed at couples. We’re not all in sexual relationships, and self-pleasuring is so important at our age! Here are some tips for enjoying hot SOLO senior sex.  

10 Tips for Hot Solo Senior Sex

By Joan Price

Senior sex isn't just partner sex. Many of us don't have partners, yet keeping our sexual selves vibrant and health is crucial for many reasons. It's true that if we don't use it, we lose it -- and that's true for both women and men.

When we have less hormonal rush to stay sexual, especially if we're without a partner and maybe blue about that, we can fall into a pattern where we don't think as much about sexual pleasure, and we don't give it to ourselves. Arousal and orgasms may feel second-rate and inconsequential, and sometimes just too much trouble.

Instead, let's see our marvelous bodies as still capable of pleasure, and let's nurture that. We have the capacity -- and the responsibility! -- to keep ourselves fully functioning by pleasuring ourselves, discovering what feels good (it may have changed, so don't assume that of course you know) and what it takes to make our brains and body parts sing. Let's celebrate that we don't have to close down just because we're older and partnerless. Indeed, let's enjoy what we can offer ourselves.

Here are some tips for bringing the sizzle back to your sex life -- on your own!

1. Plan for solo sex. At this time of life, we need slow arousal and gradual build-up. So set aside enough private time to enjoy the journey without rushing. Set up whatever you need for comfort, such as special pillows. Shut off distractions like phone and computer, lock the door, and settle in for pleasure.

2. Enjoy solo sex during high energy times. When do you feel most sexually charged? When you first wake up? After morning coffee and a good poop? Mid-afternoon? That’s when to indulge in a solitary romp, rather than after a meal when you’re digesting or at night when your sensations are shutting down. When you feel the tingle, indulge it!

3. Create your own foreplay. Do sexy things that get you in the mood. Remember hot times with a special lover. Read erotica, play special songs, watch porn (or, if you prefer, a movie with a star who always turns you on), write sexy thoughts in your journal, take a waterproof vibrator into the bath or shower -- whatever starts your path to arousal. Appreciate, decorate, and celebrate your body with lingerie, silk, velvet, massage oil, candlelight--whatever feels good and puts you in the mood.

4. Use a silky lubricant. Don’t just settle for the drugstore variety -- there are many different varieties of lubricants for moisture and slickness that feel great and bring back the joy of friction, whether we’re using our hands or a toy. Experiment to find your favorites. Keep the lube within reach so you can reapply frequently.

5. Explore sex toys and other erotic helpers. Our hormonally challenged bodies may need extra help to reach orgasm these days, and our wrists may tire before we reach our goal. Women: try a clitoral vibrator, with or without a dildo, depending whether you like the feeling of a full vagina. (Read the many vibrator reviews on this blog to help you choose.) Men: try a sleeve, cock ring, or prostate stimulator. Lucky for us that sex toys for both genders are easy to find, fun to try, and wow, do they work!

6. Fantasize. Let yourself explore fantasy scenes and partners, no limits. Let your brain (your main sex organ!) indulge in whatever arouses you. Be open to whatever comes into your mind, even if it is something you would not do in real life or with someone you consider off limits. No fantasy is “wrong,” and no one has to know what images or scenarios turn you on. Just go with it.

7. Be physical in daily life. Walking, biking, dancing, yoga, Pilates, lifting weights, and other forms of exercise all enhance blood flow and get you in touch with your own physicality. This translates to your sexual arousal because the blood flows to your genitals as well as to your muscles, making arousal easier and faster. Plus you mentally feel “in your body.”

8. Realize that your solo practice not only gives you pleasure, it’s important for health. Experts recommend at least one orgasm a week for both men and women for genital health and for heart health as well. Weekly orgasms keep the pelvic floor strong and the nerves firing, boost the immune system, and reduce the risk of incontinence, depression, and heart disease. Men – regular orgasms are important for prostate health.

9. If you think you’re not in the mood, do it anyway. It’s too easy to put solo sex on the back burner, and once we’re out of the habit, it’s harder to get revved up again. This is especially true at our age, when our hormones are no longer screaming for release. So reread tips #1-8, and just do it. You’ll find that the physical arousal will happen, that that will trigger your emotional arousal, and that triggers more physical arousal, until it’s all working just right.

10. Don’t think of solo sex as “settling for” a substitute for partner sex. You’re celebrating your own sexuality, glorying in your body’s capability of pleasing you, and enjoying the journey. This is a gift you can give yourself whenever you want, and isn’t that wonderful?

(These tips are copyright 2010-2011 by Joan Price and may not be reprinted without permission from Joan Price. Thank you!)

Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty is available from www.joanprice.com (personally autographed) or from Amazon.

Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex is now available! Order an autographed copy directly from me -- be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it -- by clicking the PayPal button below...

Or order from Amazon here.

Senior Sex: Solo Style

Just when society is starting to accept that seniors are having -- and enjoying! -- sex, some of the most outspoken, sex-positive, seasoned women among us are not having sex. Some are choosing celibacy for now, some have fallen into it. Can we still be sex educators, sex writers, and sex activists if our orgasms are solo and we sleep with our pets? Yes!


Candida Royalle, known for pioneering the genre of woman-friendly erotic films and the Natural Contours line of intimate massagers, is the author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do. Candida wrote a marvelous piece for my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex (coming this June -- finally!) about the importance of keeping ourselves sexually heathy when we're not in a relationship.

At age 59, Candida says she's not in a hurry to find a new partner, but "I am committed to having a date with myself at least once a week to exercise my PC muscle, which runs along the pelvic floor and surrounds the entire vagina. Then I reward myself with a nice little session of self-pleasuring."

Erica Manfred, divorced at sixty, is the author of He’s History You're Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty. Erica contributed helpful tips to Naked at Our Age for getting through the devastating emotion- and ego-slamming period of a later-life divorce. 

In a recent Huffington Post article, Erica writes that at age 68, she has decided to give up on dating and sex. "It takes a hell of a lot of energy to date at my age," the former sexual enthusiast writes. She's not closing off the possibility of "getting my mojo back" in case Mr. Senior Right shows up at the supermarket, but she's abandoning the online dating sites and cuddling her chihuahua.

Rachel Kramer Bussel is, at 35, the youngest of our sex-positive celibates. Rachel is an erotica author, sex columnist, and editor of 38 anthologies, including my favorite series: Best Sex Writing 2008, 2009 and 2010.

In an article she wrote for SexIs Magazine, Rachel revealed that she's abstaining from sex and dating until her 36th birthday. (Note that the"sex" she is giving up is "physical, genital contact with another person," leaving her free to indulge in phone sex and cybersex -- fair enough.) She made this choice so that she could examine her "relationship errors" and "inappropriate attachments" and not go chasing immediately after the next hot encounter.

Is it hard to write about sex all day and not go after it at night? "Am I missing out on what’s supposed to be my sexual peak?" Rachel wonders. "Maybe friends with benefits is the best life can offer me and I’m being foolish or stupid to hold out for something more fulfilling. Or maybe I’ll find that I like being on my own so much I don’t ever want to actually join forces with someone else."

I've divulged my own celibacy since losing Robert -- on this blog in a shy way, and with more candor in Naked at Our Age (you'll see!). I've started to date again, which so far means a series of sexless first dates. I've had some excitement (again, you'll have to wait for Naked at Our Age!) but without the culmination of inviting a partner into my body.

Senior sex is still my intellectual, emotional, and career passion. My mission to normalize later-life sexuality in the eyes of society is as important to me now as when Robert and I were curling each other's toes. I know I'm getting somewhere when seniors are seen as oddities when they're not having sex!

As always, I welcome your comments!

Natural Contours Vibrators & Candida Royalle DVDs

To my great delight, the nice folks at Natural Contours sent me seven personal massagers to review for you! (No, you can't have my job.) They're candy-colorful, smooth, quiet, strong, and beautifully designed for fit and function.

Natural Contours produces high-quality “designer vibes” designed to ergonomically fit the contours of a woman’s body. And they do fit our contours!

For example, the Petite Pink Ribbon (so-named because Natural Contours donates 10% of sales proceeds from to Breast Cancer Action), small as it is, packs quite a vibrational punch as it wraps around the vulva, sending sizzles to the clitoris and the whole, wonderfully sensitive, surrounding area. The Petite fits our contours so well, in fact, that you could just slip it over your hungry parts, hold it there by wearing panties over it, and sit comfortably at the computer writing your blog post with the Petite quietly buzzing away. Ummm.

My favorites of the Natural Contours line are the Ideal and the Liberte. I like to use them together -- the Liberte vaginally and the Ideal clitorally. I like that the Liberte is slim with a bigger spot for G-spot stimulation, and the shape and curvature of the handle part make it easy and comfortable to hold while G-spot pulsing. The Ideal is very strong yet easy to hold because of the angle of the handle.

If you prefer, you can get your clitoral and vaginal vibrating going together by covering the head of the Ideal with the G-Plus, a rubbery addition that turns the Ideal into a dual-action vibrator.

I haven't covered all of these marvelous products (yet!), but I trust this review will spur you to take a look at the Natural Contours website and try one or more that you'd like to tickle your fancy. (Tell your partner or best buddy what you'd like as a holiday gift!)

If you'd like an erotic film to accompany your vibrator exploration, four films produced by Candida Royalle feature scenes with women a bit older than the usual young-and-perfect actresses you usually see in sexually explicit films. Not our age, you understand, but women we can relate to. Candida Royalle is well known for creating women-friendly erotic films featuring what women like to see, such as foreplay, realistic characters, and a story (imagine that!).

Doc Johnson Remote Control Vibrating Egg review

Doc Johnson Remote Control Vibrating Egg, from TabuToys adult toys is a "bullet" syle vibrator that hums and jitters away internally, controlled by a wireless remote control. It has seven vibrational modes, from subtle to medium strong, and from steady to intermittent. A protruding loop helps you remove it afterwards.

Solo, Doc Johnson Remote Control Vibrating Egg is a great solution for the woman coping with arthritis, carpal tunnel, or other challenges that make wrist action with a vibrator problematic. With this vibrator, you insert the Egg, then hold the remote wherever it's comfortable, no wrist twisting or tweaking required. You don't even have to hold it at all once you've punched in your vibration level.(See? Isn't it useful to read a sex-toy reviewer who's 66 years old?)

If you are partnered, it could be fun to give the remote to your partner and let him/her control your vibrations in bed, out to dinner, during a visit from the grandkids, at the gym.... I'd love to hear how you use it. This would make a fine holiday gift, don't you think?

I was a little worried about this egg vibrator after my size difficulties with the Teneo SmartBall, but I was delighted to discover that the smooth silicone and the smart design of the Egg gave me no insertion problem whatsoever. The Egg is more oval than round and tapers into a smaller size (rather like an egg) at the inserting end. The other end is larger so it won't pop out with your voluntary or involuntary contractions. Nice design job, Doc Johnson.

The vibrations are pleasant and stimulating, strong but not super strong. You'll likely want to couple it with a clitoral vibrator. Thanks to the remote, you can pair the Egg with a large-head clitoral vibrator (e.g. the Hitachi Magic Wand, Miracle Massager, or Natural Contours Ideal) without your toys clunking and battling for real estate.

(FYI, if you have a cat, hide this toy. Between the rolling shape and the claw enticing loop, my cat was sure it was an early holiday gift for him. Fortunately, I rescued it in time.)

Snow Bunny: my favorite rabbit

Hurray, the Silicone Impulse Snow Bunny solves everything I thought was wrong with rabbit-style vibrators! I'd have thought the Impulse Snow Bunny people read my review of the Butterfly, logged my concerns, and whipped out this solution -- except that I know this vibrator existed already, I just hadn't had the pleasure of experiencing it. Thank you, Tabu Toys adult toys for sending it to me and knowing that I'd love it.

My main problem with rabbit-style vibrators in the past was that the distance between the shaft and the "rabbit" (clitoral stimulator) wasn't right for me, and there was no way to adjust it. The Snow Bunny, though has a completely flexible section attaching the bunny to the shaft, so the bunny can be bent in closer without changing the angle of the shaft, just what I needed. Also, the little ears can be tucked in to localize their fluttering to just the right spot.

I also like that the vibrator is delightfully squishy, made of 100% hypoallergenic silicone, not hard plastic.

I appreciate that the pleasantly penile-shaped head of the shaft does not vibrate -- no cervix battering! The vibrations start just below the head and are strongest at the beaded area which rolls around and vibrates at the entrance to the vagina, where you have the most pleasant nerve endings.

I couldn't get a clear close-up photo of the controls for you to see, but they're awesome. There are separate controls for the vibrating speed of the shaft and the bunny. This comes in handy if you want your clitoris a-flutter but a lighter touch internally. Another button controls the type of vibration: pulse, steady, rising, etc. The controls light up and you can see exactly where you are.

One problem with the controls, though -- because of their location right under your thumb as you use the Snow Bunny, you can accidentally turn the vibrations up (not a problem) or down (a problem!).

The Snow Bunny takes four AA batteries, making it plenty strong. I'd love to hear whether you enjoy it as much as I do.

Vibratex Japanese Butterfly review

It's a Rabbit. No, it's a Butterfly. Actually, it's both. The Vibratex Japanese Butterfly is a dual-action vibrator, meaning that it accomplishes both clitoral and vaginal stimulation simultaneously with its connected parts.

This type of vibrator achieved fame when the gals on Sex and the City shared their enthusiasm for their Rabbit, and "Rabbit" has become the catch-all term for this kind of vibrator, whatever the shape.

In this case, the "rabbit" part is a butterfly. It's cute and playful and yes, it vibrates like crazy. The Vibratex Japanese Butterfly has a rotating shaft full of vibrating beads and a rounded head plus an external, fluttering piece in the shape of a butterfly, designed to tickle the clitoris.

Thank you, TabuToys adult toys, for providing my Butterfly and being such a good sport while helping me decide which Rabbit to try! I requested a really strong Rabbit, and Vibratex Japanese Butterfly is considered top of the line.

I really wanted to love it. Yes, it's strong. Yes, its many attributes vibrate in a sexy, enticing way with the promise to rock my world. It even puts on a light show, great for giggles in the dark.

But -- for me, personally -- the shaft felt too thick (1.5") and hard, and I had trouble positioning it so that the butterfly actually fluttered where it was supposed to. It must be built for larger women (I am petite), because the butterfly landed a smidgen too far forward, and if I tried to bend and press it where I wanted it, the shaft ended up at an odd and not entirely comfortable angle. I also had trouble holding it at that angle with my short arms, until I discovered that I could just hold the part where the butterfly connects to the shaft, and that worked well.

It's a good, solid, well-made and well-designed toy, and I'll bet you'll love it if you have even slightly larger proportions than I do (and most women do). The vibrations are wonderfully strong and delightfully surprising as the shaft and beads roll around. It's just the size that isn't quite for me, darn it. I guess I haven't found my ideal Rabbit yet.

I'd love to hear from other users who declared this vibrator their dream toy -- I'm sure there are many of you!

Hitachi Magic Wand: strong enough for seniors

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Lelo Lily pleasure object review

I had seen photos of the Lelo Lily, but until TabuToys adult toy shop sent me the Lelo Lily Dark Plum Clitoral Massager, I had no idea that it had these fabulous attributes:

1. It's tiny. Really tiny! My hands are small, but look how easily the Lily fits in my palm. This is a good thing -- it focuses precisely on that sweet spot and its erogenous, surrounding area.

2. The curved design fits so nicely that it stays put, even hands free!

As older women, we know that a long arousal time is essential. This quiet, silky-smooth, pleasure-inducing toy can start arousing you in advance, whether you're anticipating partner or solo sex. Just "wear" it as you go about your business, reading your email, updating your Facebook page, or blogging (whoops, busted!), for example. By the time you put aside distractions and settle into the main event, you're well on your way.

Lily's vibrations are adjustable in intensity and rhythm, but I wish it had a stronger, super-extreme setting. (I say that about every toy.) A small peeve is that the controls are tricky -- play with them in advance with the manual open and your reading glasses on until you get the hang of it.

The Lily is conveniently rechargeable -- no batteries, and no plugging it in during use. Lelo claims to hold a charge through up to seven hours of use -- no worries about it running down, even if you're a slow arouser.

Because of Lily's size and shape, you can use it for clitoral stimulation at the same time that you, a partner, or another toy pleasures you with vaginal penetration, if that's what you like. Very versatile!

Delight sex toy review

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Miracle Massager & G-Spot Accessory review

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