Senior Strip with Centrum Silver

I don't know how I missed this commercial and the ensuing brouhaha in 2007, but I'm on it now! Watch this Centrum Silver commericial before you read on:

So how did you respond to this? I admit I laughed, I enjoyed it. But as a self-professed advocate for ageless sexuality, was I supposed to find it offensive? Hmmmm.

Does it make fun of old people who have sexual thoughts/actions, or does it shout the message that we're never too old to be sexually adventuresome (even if only in our own mind)? Are the old people the brunt of the joke, or is it the shocked staffer in the doorway? Clearly part of the message is that  we see ourselves as younger than others see us, and we do! Not to this extreme, of course -- that's what makes the video funny.

[Aside: This past week I tried on clothes in front of a well-lighted, 3-way mirror in an upscale store and faced my body in underwear with dismay. I preferred the view ten pounds ago -- and before my cataract surgery! And lest you draw my attention to my "Older women wear lingerie" post, thank you, but let's just say that parts have been shifting, plumping, and loosening since then. Since I hate the stereotype that wrinkles can't be sexy and we're supposed to be a certain size and shape, I'm owning my body as it is now. Just had to tell you that, though.]

Ronni Bennett

Back to the commercial -- I went looking for commentary on it from seniors, and found that elderblogger Ronni Bennett posted about this video in 2007. (If you don't follow Ronni's blog, Time Goes By: what it's really like to get older, you should.) She quotes Chuck Nyren, who writes a blog,
Advertising to Baby Boomers, and said in his post about this commerical that the elders in the last scene should have been hot looking Boomers.

Chuck Nyren

Although I agree with Nyren that the ad would have appealed more to Boomers that way, isn't that propagating the stereotype that the age for feeling sexy stops at 61? What do you think?

Chip August: “Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin”

Charles “Chip” August, Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, interviewed me on his “Sex, Love & Intimacy” internet radio show. Now it’s my turn to interview Chip:

JP: I understand you’re writing a book titled “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Do you see many later-life couples in sexless marriages?

CA: As a Couples Intimacy Coach, I have met and worked with hundreds of couples struggling with unsatisfactory sex lives, most in their 40s, 50s and 60s. But it’s not just my experience. Recently I saw a blog from Dr. Phil where he writes: “sexless marriages are an undeniable epidemic.”

JP: Why do these couples give up on sexual intimacy? Do they say it’s because of physical changes?

CA: One major factor behind the “death” of sexuality in long-term relationships is changes in our physiology brought on by aging. As young, sexually active adults, we take for granted that feelings of arousal will be accompanied by tumescence (the swelling of genital tissues), erections (nipples, clitoris, penis) and lubrication. In our minds we link these physical experiences to the idea of arousal. As we age we seem to forget all the other feelings, emotions and sensations associated with arousal.

JP: What happens emotionally when those physiological responses change?

CA: Later in life, when erections and lubrication are less certain, we falsely assume that it is the end of sexuality. It’s as if we have forgotten all the other feelings, emotions and sensations associated with arousal. We seem to forget how hot it once was to hold hands, to kiss, to talk nonsense for hours into a phone late at night, to dance, to finish each other’s sentences.

JP: I often hear from women whose men have given up on sex when their penises don’t work like they used to. I also hear from men whose women don’t want sex because they say it’s no longer comfortable or pleasurable. How can these couples reconnect?

CA: I believe human beings are designed for a lifetime of sexuality. There are many causes for a man’s erection to become unreliable or even impossible, and just as many causes for a woman’s vagina to stop lubricating or hurt. These symptoms are sometimes physiological, sometimes psychological, and sometimes just requiring a bit of education.

If your body does not work the way you believe it should, or you are experiencing a loss of desire, see your doctor, as these could be symptoms of various medical/health problems, psychiatric problems, low levels of testosterone or high levels of prolactine. Low sexual desire can also be a side effect of various medications.

JP: Besides physical changes, why else do couples give up on sexual intimacy?

CA: Beliefs about sexuality that support the idea that sex is really for “young” people. Our culture fosters age-ist, sex-negative beliefs. Most people don't realize that sex is meant to get better and better as a relationship matures. They've bought into the idea that they can’t have a rockin' sex life if they’re no longer young and the relationship is no longer new. They believe myths that sabotage their sex lives, such as “Sex just doesn’t feel good anymore—sometimes it even hurts—but I can't talk about that with my husband,” and the most disastrous belief of all: “Passion always dies in a long-term marriage; it's the price you pay for stability.”

JP: How do you coach people in a sexless marriage to become lovers again?

CA: To become lovers again means behaving as lovers do. When we are in new relationship energy, we gaze into each other’s eyes, we kiss, we phone and email. We send cute cards, buy flowers, go out to dinner, and go for long walks. We make time just for us.

JP: And most couples stop behaving like lovers as the relationship matures?

CA: If we spent as little time and attention working at our jobs as we spend on our relationship, most of us would be unemployed. Relationships take time. Make dates (and keep them). Get naked together and just hold each other and talk. Park with your sweetie by the lake, the beach, the overlook, and neck like you were 17 again.

JP: What’s your most important message for improving senior sex and relationships?

CA: It saddens me that sex has become so genitally focused. Our biggest erogenous zone is between our ears – our mind. Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin. Penises in vaginas are a necessity for procreation. Sex is about intimate connection and shared vulnerability. Sex is stroking each other from head to toe, eye-gazing, shared laughter and shared thoughts. Sex is kissing and hugging and dancing. Sex is lying naked in each other’s arms listening to our hearts beating. Sex is about surrender and control, about laughing and crying.



Chas. "Chip" August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of “Sex, Love & Intimacy” an internet radio show, and author of the soon to be published “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Chip sees clients at his office in Northern California and also does phone-coaching, phone: 1(650) 391-7763, email him at ChasAugust@gMail.com

Can Men be Attracted to Gravity-Challenged Breasts?

I was interviewed recently by Sarah Hampson about Boomer sex and dating for Canada's Globe and Mail. The article, "Boomers, it's a brave new sexual world," appeared 1/15/09 and has attracted many reader comments, mostly people objecting to the tone or examples in the article, and several exhibiting the "ick factor," as I call it -- such as these examples:

• I don't really want to hear about people my parents age having sex.
• Geriatric sex is just nasty. Back in the closet Woodstock.
• Please go have your "old-person" sex somewhere else, but for everyone's sake do it quietly.
• I am now canceling my subscription to the Globe and Mail.

A quote from me in the article, "A man is attracted to you because he is attracted to you, not the shape of your breasts," led to this comment from a reader:

This woman expert is clearly out to lunch on this one ... discounts the physical part of attraction altogether, which for man is probably at least 50/50 with personality. The shape of a woman's breasts are definitely part of the attraction package.

I had to respond:

Actually, I'm not discounting the physical part of attraction at all. What I am discounting is the notion that only a youthful appearance can be attractive. We ARE attractive and sexy even if our breasts are susceptible to gravity over time. My wonderful husband always exclaimed that he was stunned by the beauty of my far-from-perky breasts. Let's just get over the youth orientation of what our society and the media label beautiful and/or sexy....

Then I had to laugh at the follow-up comment from another reader:

Your husband is also biased. Do you honestly think a husband is going to tell his wife he prefers the firm, perky breasts of a 20 y/o. No...he just dreams about them.

This amused me because as much as "the firm, perky breasts of a 20 y/o" fit society's image as beautiful, and I never begrudged Robert any pleasure or fantasy he might have enjoyed when seeing (or imagining) a young woman's cleavage, Robert was not wishing that I had breasts (or face, or feet, or hair) that were anything other than reality. He was an authentic man, and he valued authenticity in the woman he loved. He told me so, and proved it with his words, his caresses, and the delight in his eyes.

"Elderspeak" Hurts Our Health

How do you feel when a stranger, sales clerk, or health professional calls you "dear" or "sweetie"? In a widely reprinted New York Times article titled "In ‘Sweetie’ and ‘Dear,’ a Hurt for the Elderly" (October 6, 2008), writer John Leland reveals that elderspeak, "the sweetly belittling form of address" that we've all experienced, can have health consequences. In addition, if we accept and internalize that aging means we're forgetful or feeble, we don't live as long -- just by believing the negative image of aging.


Becca Levy, an associate professor of epidemiology and psychology at Yale University studies the health effects of belittling messages on elderly people. “Those who have more negative images of aging have worse functional health over time, including lower rates of survival," she says.

According to the New York Times article,

In a long-term survey of 660 people over age 50 in a small Ohio town, published in 2002, Dr. Levy and her fellow researchers found that those who had positive perceptions of aging lived an average of 7.5 years longer, a bigger increase than that associated with exercising or not smoking. The findings held up even when the researchers controlled for differences in the participants’ health conditions.

Health care workers are often the worst offenders of "elderspeak," believing that they are using affectionate terms rather than belittling ones. Yet elderspeak sends a message that we are incompetent, childlike, and need to be taken care of. Over time, people exposed constantly to this message actually become more dependent and withdrawn, less self-reliant or competent.

Personally, I wouldn't have guessed this. I'm about to turn 65 (tomorrow!) and I rather like terms of endearment, even from strangers. Robert used to love to go to a particular restaurant because the waitress called him "honey." I take these endearments as they're meant, as warm and friendly overtures, without belittling undertones that I'm incompetent or feeble.

But that may be because I know I am strong mentally (writing books) and physically (dancing, Pilates, lifting weights). If I had doubts about my abilities, perhaps elderspeak would reinforce them.

Certainly having positive images of aging is essential for moving through this part of our life journey with joy and energy -- but does a stranger or health professional calling us "sweetie" really call that into question? Not for me -- but I'd love to hear from you about this.

If it does bother you, do you speak up? Do you say, "My name is...." or respond, "Thank you, darling"?

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors: Funny or Insulting?

A reader sent these Lovemaking Tips for Seniors to me -- I don't know where they came from, though if you know, tell me -- I believe in crediting the author always. Please read them and my question to you at the end:

Lovemaking tips for seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(This was sent [JP's note: in the original e-mail] in large type so you can read it.)

Now tell me -- are these tips funny? Are they insulting -- one more example of how our society stereotypes and ridicules seniors who are enthusiastic about sex? You tell me.

In my view they're clever, yes. But knowing how devastating it is to elders who lose their sexual ability without losing their emotional need for sex and intimacy, the tone is cruel. Or am I just a fuddy-duddy with no sense of humor about sex and aging? Educate me, readers. And please put your age on your comment so I see if the reactions are different for older readers.

Cloris Leachman, take a bow

When I first heard that 82-year-old Cloris Leachman would be a celebrity contestant on Dancing With the Stars, I was elated.

Then I saw her dance the first two weeks.

I became, in turn, embarrassed and then angry. Was she chosen for the show because she, in fact, could not dance? Were we supposed to -- yet again! -- laugh at an old person trying to do something that she was too old, too stiff, too brittle to do well? Was she chosen as a caricature?

Then in weeks 3 and 4, something seemed to change. Cloris seemed to make a decision to be the train rather than the track. She took charge, playing to the hilt her sensuality, flaunting her overflowing cleavage, putting her leg up on the judges' table for the world to ogle and for Bruno to kiss. She got a standing ovation for her tango, not because it could compete with a young, svelte, limber, hormone-driven couple's tango, but because she conveyed self-confidence, sex appeal, and being totally at home in her 82-year-old body. She didn't just talk back to the judges (probably saltier than we were permitted to hear), but she didn't care what they said. She was doing her best, and her best meant entertaining the public on her terms, not theirs.

I have a true respect for the grace, aesthetics and atheticism of dance, none of which Cloris displays, but I give her the "I'm in this sensual body, I love it, and if you don't get me, you can go bleep yourself" award for attitude!

Were you troubled by her appearance on the show at first, when it looked like we were supposed to laugh at her, rather than with her? What do you think now?

Eye-Catching Thong Worn by 52-yr-old Woman

A 52-year-old woman is suing Victoria's Secret because a metallic ornament popped off a thong she was trying on and hit her in the eye, damaging her cornea, according to NYDailyNews.com.

I read the article, then started perusing the reader comments. I stopped in my tracks when I read this:

this woman is to old to be wearin a thong , eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww. what she needs to be wearin is some big grandma underwear. 52 years old is to old to try and look sexy at that age.

It seems I can't go a week without encountering anti-sexual, ageist stereotypes like this. The flying ornament aside, can we focus for a minute on what this reader is saying (with apparent disgust and shock): a woman over 50 is too "old to try and look sexy."

It's what I call the "ick factor": society's view of aging women as either sexless or ludicrous and pathetic if they see themselves as sexy. No wonder women fear aging and do everything they can to hide it, convinced they lose their attractiveness at age 50 (or 40!). They fret that they can't look sexy for themselves or their partners if they have a few wrinkles or their bottoms and bosoms hang heavier than they used to.

I've railed about this before, and I'll keep on railing as long as I keep reading statements like "eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww...52 years old is to old to try and look sexy"!

Funny or Offensive? Please tell me.

Of course yesterday's New England Journal of Medicine report on senior sexuality prompted not only a respectful and informative media blast, but also the kind of stereotypical response we've come to expect, such as "Senior Sex Study Shows Nana and Papa Still Getting It On"
by Ted Gay. An excerpt from Gay's satirical site:

Jane Stacy, a ninety-four-year-old paraplegic who is cared for by her husband, Van, said that their love life was sparked after she showered and he placed her in her chair to dry and fell face down in her twat.“I said, ‘as long as you’re down there, Van, tend to the clitoris,’ which I was most happy to say he did,” Jane said.When he was asked what Jane tasted like, Van shrugged his shoulders and said, “Depends.”

Is this funny? I know, Postcards is a satirical site, and it even says, "the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of thing seriously." What I'm bothered by is that the elderly seem be fair game for ridicule, and that's what I don't like.

Am I oversensitive when I say this is the kind of senior sex stereotyping and putdown that I resent? Should I just laugh, as I'm sure Gay intended? Or is this just one more example of our society's view of elders as pathetic and ludicrous if they enjoy and/or desire sex?

What do you think? Please tell me.

"Today 80 is the new 60," octagenarians study sex

The wonderful people at A Woman's Touch Sexuality Resource Center in Madison, WI, run a summer school about sexuality for seniors which was recently covered by StorybridgeTV. To view the TV segment, click "play." (You may need to hear the opening sentence a few times as it loads -- be patient.) You'll hear feisty comments by the elders taking the class, and tips from Myrtle Wilhite M.D. M.S., co-owner of A Woman's Touch.

As the show's promo says, "If you don't think octagenarians are interested in sex, you could learn a thing or two from this class. After you watch this story, you'll never look at aging the same way again. And that's a good thing!"

Sexy Seniors Pose Nude For Charity Calendar

I love this! A group of women in their 70s and 80s decided to pose nearly nude for a calendar to raise money for their historical society in Monongahela, a small community near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The Associated Press picked up the story, which is why you'll read it in your newspaper and hear it on the radio. The most interesting part of this story is the reactions from the media. Just what you'd expect -- the newspapers label it "weird news" and newspeople comment, "I don't think I'll want to look at that."

Why not? At what age does a woman cease to be sexy or attractive? 39? 45? 50? Personally, I think we get sexier and more attractive as we age, because we radiate who we are, our vigor and experience, our self-knowledge, our capacity for loving and living. We "earn" our wrinkles -- they are our badges of experience. Anyone who would dismiss the twinkle in our eye because of the wrinkles in our neck deserves to miss out on what we can offer!

I haven't seen the calendar, but I understand the props -- poinsettia, umbrella, piano -- are strategically placed so that nothing shows except face, neck, and maybe a bare shoulder. But it's still cool that these women had the gumption and self-confidence to say, hey, let's shake things up a bit!

Talking to teens about senior sexuality

I was recently interviewed by Karen Rayne, Ph.D., a sex educator for teenagers and their parents who has a blog about adolescent sexuality . I'd like to repeat that interview here and get your comments:

Karen Rayne: Why do you think senior sexuality is important?

Joan Price: It's important because we've been seen by society and by the media (and sometimes by ourselves!) as asexual, unsexy, and altogether icky if we are sexually active and enthusiastic about it. We need to change that, not just for those of us who are already in our golden years, but for all ages. I offer this plea to young people: Help us change our society's view of older people as either sexless or ludicrous and disgusting for wanting sex. Realize that our bodies change, but we're still the same lusty and loving people that we were when we were your age.

Karen Rayne: What do you see as the life-long path that can lead to healthy senior sexuality?

Joan Price: Acceptance of our own sexuality and open-mindedness about any consensual sex taking place between people of age to give consent -- and by that I mean emotional age, not legal age of consent necessarily. I know that at age 17, I was fully ready to engage in sex with my 19-year-old boyfriend. We had been dating for two years, and only waited that long because we were scared to death that either my parents would find out or I'd get pregnant. (The first happened; the second didn't.) I fear for girls who become sexually active before they're emotionally ready, though -- to please a boyfriend, or because "everyone's doing it." I encourage teens to talk to older, trusted adults before becoming sexually active, and definitely to use barrier protection (condoms) every time.

Karen Rayne: How can parents and teachers best help children and teenagers start down that road?

Joan Price: I was a high school English teacher for 22 years before I switched to a writing career, and I still have a great love for and enjoyment of teenagers. When I was teaching, many students talked to me or wrote in their journals about their relationships. Sometimes they confided intimate details that they didn't feel they could tell their parents. I encourage teachers to make themselves accessible and safe, letting their students know they're available, opening up topics in class that let the teenagers know that the teachers understand and have useful perspectives to share. I encourage parents to do the same thing, but realize -- and please accept this -- that as open-minded, accessible, and loving as they are, their teenaged sons and daughters might feel more comfortable talking to a different adult. (I'd love to hear from teenagers about how they feel about this topic.)

Also, see your body as a lifelong source of sexual pleasure, and see the beauty in older people. I know it's difficult, when our society and especially the media stresses that beauty and sexuality are the domain of the young. For your own sake, please reject this notion. As you age, welcome the new image of sexuality that you'll see in yourself and in your peers.

I also invited Karen's readers to visit this blog:

As young people (and I'm talking to both teens and parents!), you may resist reading about people who are 60 or 70 or older talking so openly about their sexual attitudes and experiences, but I think it's very important that we talk and you hear us, just as you want us to hear you.

I look forward to reading the comments of the teens and their parents who visit us here.

Village Voice: Knockin' Vintage Boots

"People are living longer, healthier lives so why shouldn't their sex lives keep on going? And why are we so afraid to imagine that they do?" writes Tristan Taormino in "Knockin' Vintage Boots: Golden girls get their groove on past 60," which appeared May 22, 2007 in the Village Voice.

I'm quoted in this section:

.... "At what age do you plan to retire your genitals?" That's what Joan Price asks those who consider sexy seniors "icky." Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty, says, "The main misconception is that seniors are either asexual, pathetic, or ludicrous because they're still interested in sex." She was so frustrated with the lack of positive images and information, she wrote a book about what she calls "ageless sexuality." Price tackles a myriad of subjects from serious issues like dealing with painful intercourse to spicy stories of threesomes.

Price's book and accompanying blog, [Betty] Dodson's work, and [Deirdre] Fishel's documentary have all kick-started a much needed dialogue. They not only prove that seniors do in fact have fulfilling sex lives, they can also empower older folks to get busy.

However, there is a serious lack of resources for the complex sexual issues facing people over 60, including illness and disability, hormonal changes, a decrease in libido and arousal, and the effect of common medications, not too mention coping with major changes to the vagina post-menopause, including dryness, atrophy, and a thinning of the tissue that can cause tearing, discomfort, and pain.

Taormino quotes Betty Dodson as saying, "Sex is such an important part of intimacy and bonding, of touching and feeling connected with a partner, of accepting our bodies and the wonderful physicality of which we're capable." Exactly!

Do you agree?

Beyond Sags and Bags: MSN.com

Thanks to Jeremy Egner for his enlightening article, "The New Definition of 'Sexy'" on the men's lifestyle channel at MSN.com.

Egner cites a recent poll of more than 10,600 American adults that found that "sexy is more an attitude than it is a perfect physique." More than 76 percent said a woman can be sexy if she was a size 14 or larger (well, sure!) and that "women (84 percent) are much more likely than men (63 percent) to say sexiness derives from an intangible quality ... rather than looks.

Egner interviewed me about how non-physical qualities become even more sexy as we age. On page 2, he writes,

But as we get older and gain status, emotional security and hard-won wisdom, we're looking less for hotties and babymakers than for compatible mates that will help create durable and rewarding relationships, says Joan Price, author, blogger and self-described "advocate of ageless sexuality."

Such considerations feed our personal ideas about what is sexy. Other factors include our awareness of our own changing bodies.

"We have wrinkles, sags and bags. If having perfect faces and unlined bodies was a prerequisite for sexiness, we'd be out of the story already," says Joan Price, 63, who wrote about evolving sexuality in her book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty. "We yearn for the same touch and intimacy but we have to first internalize the changed idea of what sexy is. We have to see ourselves as sexy."

Price recalls asking her 70-year-old husband Robert, whom she married last May, to explain exactly how he could consider her to be as beautiful as he claimed when she could plainly see all her lines and physical imperfections whenever she looked into a mirror. (So don't expect those sorts of questions to go away anytime soon, guys.)

"He told me, 'If I am to know myself and accept my own aging process, how could I want anything less from you?'" Price says. "I tell that story sometimes when I'm asked to speak somewhere and women always ask, 'Does Robert have a brother?'"

"When two people who really accept themselves come together, that's where good sex happens," she adds. "The most powerful sex organ is the brain."

With this article, though, is a slide slow of the so-called "Sexiest Women Over 35," which I found very disappointing. Why? The oldest "woman over 35" is Elle Macpherson, who is just 44 (a teenybopper in our world). Why isn't Sophia Loren (73) on that list? Julie Christie (66)? Lena Horne (88)? Or any of the other women listed on my post, How Old Are They Now?

Or does "over 35" have a nine year cut-off date?

This list is one more reminder of how much work is left to do in tearing down the stereotype of sexiness as synonymous with youth, and substituting real live role models of sexiness twice as old as the youngsters MSN.com chose as the "sexiest women over 35"!

Don't skip the sex part!

I was in the hospital following my cataract surgery, woozy from the sedative. Robert held my hand, attentive to the nurse who was reading us a checklist of postoperative instructions.

"Normal daily activity is fine, such as walking or light reading. Nothing strentous or jarring for one week, such as lifting heavy weights, bending all the way over, jogging..." she read in a crisp, clear voice.

Suddenly her voice lowered, becoming girlish and tentative. "Sex..." she paused, then whispered, "Do you want to know about sex?"

"Yes! Read the part about sex!" Robert and I almost yelled.

"You may resume sexual activities after one or two days," she finished in a whisper, then raised her voice to the pre-sex level to read the rest of the instructions about bathing, protecting my operated eye, and treating discomfort.

"She almost skipped the sex part," Robert said to me afterwards.

Why did the nurse feel the need to ask our permission and then whisper this one bit of information? I guess I should be used to this assumption that people of our age (63 and 70) are no longer interested in sex, and that approaching us with sexual information is embarrassing -- but I wish this would change!

I keep saying that my mission is to change society one mind at a time. But darn, it's taking a long time! Join me, please!

Dean asks, "Does Granny like oral sex?"

I just got an email from Dean, who describes himself as "a very active 70 year old" from Kansas. He asks this:

Joan: I have had sex with ladies 40 to 74 in the last ten years. However I am diabetic and take pills for high blood pressure, so due to those two items I am as you guessed, impotent to the Nth degree. I have had and given oral sex to several partners but I feel like they feel that this isn't normal. My question, I guess, is, does granny really like this or is it that she feels, well, that's all he can do? Can you come up with a ball park figure in percentages of the lassies that do and don't get excited about oral sex? I have known ladies that were extremely sexual but would have nothing to do with oral. Is this very much the way granny thinks? Joan, I love the ladies and they like me, but what's a relationship without a little pandering?

Dean, I imagine our readers will have plenty to say, but let me start out by saying that calling a woman with whom you want to have sex "Granny" or "Lassie" just isn't sexy! I don't know how you interact with these women, or what you call them during pillow talk, but your wording here makes me wonder!

As far as whether older women like oral sex, there's no percentage I can give you. I can tell you that the better the man is at giving oral sex -- the more he tunes in to the sounds and movements that show him what she likes -- the better she'll enjoy it. That means not developing a one-technique-fits-all approach, but gathering many skills and the most important skill: being attentive to her cues and responding to them.

I'd like to recommend a book to you, Dean, and to every man who wants to understand better what a women enjoys during oral sex: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner. This book is clever, practical, and full of tips and techniques guaranteed to help any man become a better lover!

Sue Katz Blog: Consenting Adult: Lust, Kink and Culture

Help launch me & my cleavage into the blogosphere...” writes Sue Katz in her first post on her blog, Consenting Adult: Rants & Reviews on Lust, Kink and Culture. Sue, approaching age 60, indeed bares her cleavage in her photo as well as her words on this provocative blog. I interviewed Sue, former professional martial artist and world traveller, and now a writer living in Boston.

JP: Your blog is called “Consenting Adult.” What’s the focus?

SK: I’m working on a book about kink and older people, so the blog is a place to explore many of those ideas. I focus on people over 45 and all things sexual – especially alternative sexualities. I write about culture – everything from books (bondage and beyond) and movies (I hated “Notes on a Scandal”). I also react to current events, such my recent piece about National Secretary’s Week. I have written about Jane Austen, reported on recent surveys (“Solo Play More Orgasmic than Partner Sex”) and compared partner dancing to kinky sex.


JP: How do you define “alternative sexualities”?

SK: I know from my own life that human sexuality is as elastic as the pants I wear to work out in. I was a butch lesbian until my 50s and now I’m in a relationship with a man. I believe people can get turned on in more ways than they might suspect – whether it’s kinky play or intimacy with someone of the same sex. Some people organize their love-life differently – such as those into swinging and polyamory. Other people explore fetishes – specific images or activities that curl their toes.


JP: What’s the connection with age?

SK: After a wild young adulthood, my sex life was pretty muted in my 40s. Like many women, after menopause I had this rush of horniness and since I met my boyfriend it has been extremely passionate. I started noticing that in many ways alternative practices suited aging lovers. For example, bondage or spanking don’t require hardness or wetness. There’s a whole body out there – beyond traditional intercourse – and many sweet sensations. I also started noticing that lots of older people are stepping out of old sexual habits into brave new thrills.


JP: Your final word?

SK: It’s not a coincidence that so many writers are looking at the heat our generation is generating – as we always have. I love your work, Joan, and am glad that so many of us are talking about our adventures openly. Thanks for inviting me!

Best Life magazine: "a lot of kissing and touching and maybe a sex toy"

I'm quoted/mentioned extensively in "She Hunts by Night," an article by Colin McEnroe in Best Life magazine, April 2007, about "How to handle the (new) sexually empowered over-40 woman." McEnroe, a midlife man, says,

Many of us men spent the first half of our lives trying to talk women into having sex with us. Now we occasionally try to talk them out of it ... We live in a new culture of sexually empowered older women... The last two years have seen a rockslide of books both documenting and encouraging the sexual reblossoming of women age 40 and up.

... Joan Price told me she wrote [Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty] partly because she couldn’t find any books for people like her. Price is a fitness instructor from Northern California who found herself “in a new relationship and having the best sex of my life, but not without challenges.”She went looking for information and found “doom and gloom…you’re gonna wither and dry up…give it up…sex is for the young.”Price wrote a book that is solution oriented. By that, I mean there’s information about actual solutions you can rub on parts of you that aren’t as damp as they used to be, and there’s a chapter about sex toys, because Price believes that female orgasm, post-50, is “much more subtle and takes longer to get there … a lot of kissing and touching and maybe a sex toy.”

... “What we want from men is not what they think we want,” agrees Price. “Men think we want a raging erection and the ­Energizer bunny. We have always wanted foreplay. Now we want even more, so much that we don’t even want to call it foreplay. I actually recommend that older couples schedule lovemaking. Schedule it at a time of day when you both have a lot of energy, which is usually not when you’re falling asleep at night. There’s a reason they call it ‘afternoon delight.’ And schedule at least two hours.”

I want to point out here that my "two hours" recommendation isn't meant to intimidate anyone or suggest marathon, two-hour intercourse. Rather, the two hours includes all the "surroundings" of good sex that make it great: a long warmup; lots of kissing, touching, talking and laughing; leisurely sex; and time for cuddling and maybe even napping afterwards. It's a total experience of intimacy, not just the "go for the goal" part.

Pole Dancing: Exploitative or Empowering?

I was quoted in today's New York Times commenting on the trend that is bringing pole dancing (complete with instructors and portable, ceiling-high poles) into the homes of middle aged, middle class women, as well as into fitness studios. Here's an excerpt from the article by Tina Kelley:

Some say exercise that echoes the acrobatics done by women who take their clothes off for a living is exploitative rather than empowering. But Ms. Shteir and Joan Price, the author of “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty” (Seal Press, 2006), see a clear difference between middle-class, middle-aged women choosing to give parties in their homes and women pushed by poverty into potentially dangerous or demeaning work.

“If we were to limit what we do in the realm of affirming our sexuality because it has been used against us in the past,” said Ms. Price, who tried pole dancing in 2005, “we would then be buying into the idea that we don’t own it.”

The important point in the NYT article is that pole dancing, once solely the domain of strippers, has been reclaimed by women in all walks of life and of all ages. Why not? It's a sensual activity that lets us see our bodies as sexy and alluring. We wrap around that pole as if it's a lover. Pole dancing is also full of fun, healthy sexuality, fantasy, and good exercise --just try hanging onto that pole with your arms, your legs wrapped around the pole, your body suspended, and see if it's a fitness challenge!

Besides pole dancing, women are flocking to fitness clubs for strip aerobics (we even saw this on Oprah), burlesque dance, and many other activities that "nice women" -- especially of our age! -- supposedly didn't do.

Physical exercise itself is sexy, and we're bringing the notion up a notch or two by indulging in a fitness activity that is decidedly and openly sexual.

I had the pleasure of experiencing a pole dancing class taught by Virginia Simpson-Magruder in 2005 as part of my research for an article for Marin County's Pacific Sun about innovative exercise classes. Here's what I said about it then:

"Push out your chest more," Virginia Simpson-Magruder tells me in the Pole Dance class at Stage Dor Studio (10 Liberty Ship Way, Suite #340, Sausalito). Let's see: butt out, chest out, look over shoulder, hip out, wrap leg around pole, swing--I never realized that pole dancing would require such strength and coordination. This sensual workout is much more than slithering around a pole--it strengthens the upper body (sometimes your arms are holding your whole body weight on the pole) and feels delightfully sensuous. Instructors Virginia Simpson-Magruder and Lane Driscoll got their training from a former exotic dancer. Yes, we used a real pole. (No, we didn't strip.)

What do you think? Have you tried pole dancing, strip aerobics, or burlesque dance? What was your experience?

North Bay Bohemian: Birds, Bees, and Oldsters Do It

Thanks to Cole Porter, we know that birds do it, bees do it, even overeducated fleas do it. Well, apparently oldsters do it, too.

Happy Valentine's Day! I was delighted to be profiled in the North Bay Bohemian's 2007 Sex Issue in a lively article by Brett Ascarelli titled "Certain Age." Here are some excerpts:

Last fall, ABC Nightline sent a crew to Sebastopol to interview author Joan Price about seniors, sex and dating. Price, a former high school teacher turned fitness author and guru, fell in love a few years ago, drawing media attention when she claimed that she was having the best sex of her life. In 2006, she released Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty (Seal Press; $15.95), already in its second printing. The book features interviews with "sexually seasoned women," experts' advice about keeping the nethers in shape and Price's own musings on the challenges of being a sexy senior. The book's popularity spawned a related blog, in which Price moderates discussions about sex for the mature set.

One recent afternoon at her Sebastopol house, the 4'11" Price is wearing a rhinestone-covered blouse and Mary Janes. No wonder she's getting some; at 63, she's super-fit, thanks to a frequent work-out regimen and what must still be damn good metabolism, given the chocolate cookies she's munching.

... Price is a poster-adult for the cause and now fields sex-related questions from mature adults at workshops across the country.

"I call myself an advocate for ageless sexuality," Price laughs, "but maybe I'm trying to do more than that: I'm trying to change society one mind at a time, I guess."

Ascarelli, a young woman, took to heart my comments about the need for society to change its ageist attitude toward sex. She quoted me saying, "I think it will be easier [for women in the future], especially if younger people pay attention to what we're going through now and don't see us as the Other, but just as themselves in a few decades."

photo by Brett Ascarelli

Don't call me a "little old lady"!

I'm always surprised by how acceptable it is in our society to call older people disparaging names.

I was reading a newspaper article today about Barack Obama's popularity in Illinois, which quoted Emil Jones Jr, president of the Illinois Senate, as saying, "Sitting across the table from me was a little old lady, said she was 86 years old," who hoped she'd live long enough to vote for Obama for President.

I was startled by reading this mature woman described as "a little old lady," and I didn't like it. OK, I'm little (4' 10"), 63 years old, and female -- but "little old lady" belittles my maturity and experience and sounds like it would be uttered while patting me on the head. Didn't the 86-year-old elder deserve a more dignified description? If she had been male, would she have been described by Mr. Jones as "an old geezer"?

When the creeps trashed my blog, they talked about it among themselves (yes, I was able to electronically eavesdrop) as "the old lady's sex blog." That amused more than insulted me, because it was so far from the truth of what happens here or who I am. But it's part of the bigger picture of older people being seen as subjects of ridicule, especially regarding sexuality.

I know there's no consensus about what to call older people without offending us! I like the term "senior," although I know some dislike it. I like "elder" because it connotes wisdom and sounds respectful, even reverent -- but I don't feel old enough to deserve being called an elder. "Mature" is a nice adjective, though "mature adult" sounds stilted.

What do you like to be called? Which terms feel dignified to you? Which feel belittling? Post a comment or email me, and let's talk about this. Young people, you can chime in, too -- is it a dilemma knowing what to call us? What about what we call you?

Looking forward to your comments,

Joan