New column: "When It Comes to Sex Education, There Are No Stupid Questions"

I was late so my column, "When It Comes to Sex Education, There Are No Stupid Questions," which mentions my friend Ellen Friedrichs, abstinence only craziness, Joyce T. McFadden's book Your Daughter's Bedroom and Violet Blue's The Smart Girl's Guide to the G-Spot, ran this week instead of last week; next week's will be up on Wednesday, June 15th, and that night is the Big Jewcy party at Brooklyn Winery!



A little excerpt:


At the same time, I’m grateful to have even gotten some of the basics. I wasn’t getting it on in high school, but I was curious, and with my first partner I had to investigate various forms of birth control on my own. States and towns are continually battling about how best to education their children about sexual safety. The Illinois Senate recently passed a bill mandating that contraceptives be added to the curriculum for grades six through 12 (currently, they’re only required to teach about abstinence as a form of pregnancy and STD prevention). According to the Chicago Tribune, “Sen. Dan Duffy, R-Lake Barrington, argued that teaching students anything more than abstinence would encourage them to have sex.”

This argument comes up repeatedly and always sounds like the most ignorant thing in the world to me. Not only does making abstinence the standard not work for those who aren’t going to choose it, it also means that those who are having sex, or are simply curious about it, are going to have fewer people to ask questions about sex. It makes them feel like there’s something wrong with them for having those desires. News flash: there’s not. We should all be angry that those who want to promote abstinence as the best method for teenagers can’t open their eyes enough to see that not everyone is going to follow that rule.

Furthermore, the shame, ignorance and misinformation that can brew in those who are just starting on their sexual journey is dangerous. Central Florida Future guest columnist Anna Eskamimi writes, “My high school's sexual education program revolved around us, the students, being made scared to have sex. I remember, quite explicitly, hearing premarital sex compared to used bubblegum — ‘Who would want to chew used bubblegum?’ — was our guest speaker's main argument.”

Please read the whole thing and if you like it, spread the word (there are buttons at the top, or feel free to reTweet me or @SexisMagazine, always much appreciated)!

How did your mother's teachings about sexuality affect you?

Let's do something different here for Mother's Day: Looking back, how did your mother's teachings about sexuality affect how you matured, interacted in relationships, saw yourself as a sexual being, enjoyed your sexuality?

I started this topic on our Naked at Our Age Facebook page (which I hope you'll like), and the responses were so honest and valuable that I decided the topic deserves a bigger forum. I hope you'll add your comments. You don't have to use your real name, but please tell us your age so we can see how the era in which we were raised affected what we were taught about sex.

I have two chapters in Naked at Our Age called "Unlearning Our Upbringing" -- one with women's stories, one with men's stories. They're poignant, provocative, compelling. At a certain point we either look at our upbringing and realize it doesn't serve us any more, and we change -- or we don't.

I know I'm only asking about mothers here, but we'll do this later on for Father's Day, too!

Read this book: Normal Gets You Nowhere by Kelly Cutrone

I just started reading People's Revolution head Kelly Cutrone's second book, Normal Gets You Nowhere, and I love it! I recommend her first book, If You Have to Cry, Go Outside, too. For a book with that title, it was surprisingly spiritual, and I like that about Kelly, at least, what I know of her from reading (I don't really watch TV) - she is tough but also tender and spiritual. And a single mom! This one has a sex chapter that's pretty spot-on and she talks about why we need straightforward sex ed, after a stranger asks her for advice on giving a hand job, not because she's dying to know about theart of the hand job, but because she wants to wait to have sex til she's married but doesn't want her boyfriend to leave her. Cutrone is not afraid to curse or piss people off and breaks down both having a personal brand and staying true to yourself.

One of the things I get stuck on when thinking about my "brand" is, well, where do I fit in? If my "brand" is some version of "Lusty Lady," how do I write honestly, in fiction and nonfiction, about all the complicated/sad/dark/not-very-sexy aspects of my life? How do I still promote books as well as I possibly can, so they, um, sell, when I really would rather be writing than ordering postcards/doing events/setting up websites/etc.? So I read her looking for some guidance on how she became what I someday hope to be: a successful businesswoman. I've made many inroads as a writer, but the big things I want to do, like write a book, sell a book to a foreign country, and pay off my debts, I've yet to do, and I know I will, to some degree, not feel like I've lived up to my potential until I do, or at least, until I know I really fucking tried my best. Thus far, I've always run away from trying my best, often in the most spectacular, cataclysmic way possible. That's the m.o. I know. 2011 is, for me, about trying to live differently, to live better, to push myself without berating myself.

Check it out! More on it later, and I plan to quote her in an upcoming SexIs column on sex ed. Find Kelly at peoplesrevolution.com and @peoplesrev on Twitter.

Sex Tapes for Seniors: The Musical

It's no joke that we need sex education courses for seniors--we're inhabiting different bodies, different minds, and trying to make sense of relationships, new and/or ongoing. We're dating, relating, retreating, all of the above.

So let's put some humor in the whole situation, which playwright Mario Cossa does with Sex Tapes for Seniors. Approaching 60 himself, Cossa decided to write a musical comedy for older performers who sing, dance, and talk about sex and relationships. That's a good thing, in my view.

The plot: a group of retirees, played by actors age 52 to 73, decide to produce educational sex videos for seniors. I loved the diversity of the seniors portrayed. They're gay, lesbian, straight, widowed, single, coupled -- you name it. How refreshing that all these older folks are shown dealing with relationships in thier complexity, including but not solely sexual, and they don't fit any stereotypes. Hallelujah.

The issues we really deal with are addressed here -- and we laugh at the memory lapses, the need for new positions that don't stress our aging bodies, the need for sex toys with instructions we can read. We nod in recognition when Dottie talks to the photo of her deceased husband, a lesbian couple bickers over a daughter not accepting their relationship, a husband doesn't want to see a doctor about his unreliable erections despite the prodding of his sexually charged wife.

The whole cast is good, but I have to say that the wildly talented Phillipe Coquet stole the show for me playing Matthew, a wiry, tap dancing, rapping, sexy gay guy whose dream is to be on Oprah. Coquet, age 52, has been acting since the age of eight and I could have watched him for hours more. (Okay, so he was also my personal heart throb in the cast.)

I was surprised that the audience remained remarkably subdued through the first act, but started loosening up as the jokes and songs got a little raunchier. e.g. suggesting that "false teeth and fellatio" pair superbly.

The sex tapes story is a minor part of the plot, a way for the characters to reveal their issues, emotions, and back stories. It works, it’s fun, and it’s about time.

If you're lucky enough to live in or near San Francisco, please see it at the Victoria Theatre. Tickets are affordable--$25-$40--and the show runs through August 22, 2010. More info here. I hope you'll add your comments to mine.

Sex words in your dictionary?

The Internet is abuzz with a story from The Press-Enterprise about the Menifee school district in Riverside County CA, which has banned the dictionary because it has an entry about "oral sex."

I'm not kidding! Here's an excerpt from the newspaper's Menifee local news:

After a parent complained about an elementary school student stumbling across "oral sex" in a classroom dictionary, Menifee Union School District officials decided to pull Merriam Webster's 10th edition from all school shelves earlier this week.


School officials will review the dictionary to decide if it should be permanently banned because of the "sexually graphic" entry, said district spokeswoman Betti Cadmus. The dictionaries were initially purchased a few years ago for fourth- and fifth-grade classrooms districtwide, according to a memo to the superintendent.

"It's just not age appropriate," said Cadmus, adding that this is the first time a book has been removed from classrooms throughout the district.

There are so many things we could discuss here that my mind is reeling. But let's look at this from the perspective of those of us who had a heck of time getting accurate, meaningful information about sex when we were growing up.

Did we look in the dictionary? Of course! Did we find anything? Nada. "Clitoris" wasn't even in the dictionary or in any part of my sex education. I didn't know I had one -- or, for that matter, how to have an orgasm -- until a fellow college student named Alan showed me what he had learned with a previous girlfriend.

Do children look up sex words? You bet they do -- didn't we? Should children be able to look up "clitoris" or "oral sex" or whatever other permutation of sex or street name for a sexual act that interests them? 

Of course they should! How are we even needing to discuss this in 2010? Of course the dictionary can't be the complete resource, especially as children become teenagers. Thank goodness books like The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides exist.

Here's a job for you -- grab your printed dictionary, old or new, and look up a few sex terms. Comment here to tell me what dictionary you used, its edition or publication date, what words you looked up, and what you found.

(Thank you, Carnal Nation, where I read this story first.)

Women & Men Talk about Sex & Aging, Berkeley, CA

If you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, I hope you’ll come to my June 15 workshop at Good Vibrations in Berkeley and forward the description below to your friends who might be interested.

The workshop will be informative and entertaining as we share attitudes, experiences, questions, and answers with other men and women our age. Bring your burning questions and an open mind, and be prepared to get candid answers! Thanks – and please let me know if you’re coming. -- Joan

From Good Vibrations:

Ask Me, I'll Tell You: Women and Men Talk about Sex and Aging (After Hours Workshop)
When: Mon, June 15, 8pm – 10pm
Where: Good Vibrations Berkeley, 2504 San Pablo Avenue (at Dwight Way), Berkeley, CA 94702

$25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins; Please call 510-841-8987 to reserve a seat.

For many people, sex and aging are two of the hardest topics to talk about. Add in the challenges of communicating across the genders and it can sometimes seem impossible. But Joan Price, ageless sexuality advocate, and author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty is here to help! In this interactive and fun discussion night, you'll have a chance to get the answers you're looking for. Joan will guide an evening of conversation and discovery, and will help everyone in the room learn from each other. For couples & singles, men & women. If you're 50+, or you plan to be, this workshop is for you. For more info about Joan, please visit her website at http://www.joanprice.com/ and her blog at http://www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/.

We strongly recommend reserving your seat in our workshops. Some of our classes fill up and signing up early will make sure you can attend them. Other workshops have smaller attendance and we may cancel an event if only a few people are signed up in advance. Early pre-registration is the best way to avoid disappointment.

Please call Good Vibrations at 510-841-8987 during store hours to register for this class. We’ll need your name, phone number and a credit card number to reserve a seat. However, we will only charge your card if you don’t come to the class and you don’t cancel your reservation by 3 pm on the day of the class. Registration fees can be paid in cash or credit card when you arrive. We’ll be open at 7:30 pm and all workshops are from 8-10 pm. We suggest that you plan to arrive a few minutes early to check in at the counter.

I’ll also be speaking at One Taste in San Francisco on August 21 – I'll post more details later.

"Not only bone dry, but I have shrunk"

My blog posts are occasionally republished with my permission on SuddenlySenior.com and Eldr.com*. I thought you'd be interested in a reader question on Eldr and my response:

Have any women readers had this problem? All sorts of hormonal treatments and creams and oils have failed. I am not only bone dry, but I have shrunk. Just when Viagra has done wonders for my husband, I am unavailable. I want so badly to get back what we used to have and be his partner again. We have tried alternative acts, but it just isn't the same. He seems to feel that affection should lead to sex, so we are losing the intimacy we used to have. There are all kinds of dildos and vibrators for women. Are there any fake receptacles for men that we could use? I could use suggestions and advice. My next step is to ignore my embarrasment and try to ask at a "toy" shop.

Thank you for posting these questions -- I know other women are hungry to know the answers, too.

You related many things you tried to resolve the dryness and shrinking (vaginal atrophy), but you did NOT say whether you consulted your physician. This should be your first step -- get the hormone tests, find out what's going on. If you don't want to go on full-out HRT, you might want to use an estrogen ring which is inserted in the vagina.

You definitely want to use a lubricant -- I advise you to try sample sizes of several types until you find one with the degree of slickness and comfort that enhances your pleasure. My personal favorite is Liquid Silk, available from A Woman's Touch, which is also a fabulous educational resource, and even from Amazon.

My book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, offers a number of self-help strategies for just the kinds of problems you relate, and my new book (in progress!) will offer more.
As for whether there are "fake receptacles for men," yes. They're called "penis sleeves" and you can find a varied selection at Good Vibrations.

I've mentioned two of several woman-friendly sex shops that offer trustworthy educational resources as well as sex toys, lubricants, and other products that solve many of the problems we face at our age. Both Good Vibrations and A Woman's Touch have both brick-and-mortar and online stores staffed with people who know how to advise us (at all ages) and care about our comfort and pleasure. (No sleaze, dark corners, or sticky floors, in case that's what you pictured when you thought "toy shop.")


*October 2009 update: It is with great regret that I have asked ELDR.com to remove all my content. If you've been there lately, you'll see the comments have been overrun by spam. Unfortunately, this high-quality publication and website fell victim to inadequate funding, and although past content remains, the site isn't being maintained. I hope ELDR readers will continue to come here for news and views about sex & aging.

Hurdling the Generation Gap: Talking to Younger People about Senior Sex

I recognize the culturally pervasive “ick factor,” as I call it, in the way the media and most young and even middle-aged folks view the idea of the older generation still having and enjoying sex. I think it’s important to create a respectful dialogue whenever possible, so I’m delighted when a young person contacts me to convey a sincere interest in senior sexuality.

“C4bl3Fl4m3” (see photo), who tells me I can call her “CableFlame,” is 25 years old. She writes,

Human sexuality is my main professional and academic interest, and I'm always particularly interested in parts of sexuality that aren't addressed very much. And one never hears about sex after 50 or after 60. Especially not at my age. Heck they never even mentioned that in my "comprehensive" sex ed class in school. All they teach us is what they think we need to know right then, for sex at the time as a teenager. We're not given the tools we need to make choices as adults or as seniors. Our sexual knowledge needs change as we get older, enter committed relationships, enter into casual sex relationships, get married or enter into a civil or holy union, (some of us) enter into polyamorous relationships, leave our relationships, and generally age.

So I'm interested in sex in general and sex while aging is part of that. I do recognize that just because people get older, they don't stop having sex. It's uncomfortable for a lot of younger people to think about, but it's part of life.

I'm curious what it might be like for me when I get older. I like going into things prepared, and so I'm curious about older sexuality. I'd love to read an article or have you talk some on your blog about kink/BDSM and aging. I'm sure there are plenty of older people who enjoy it (especially as the Baby Boomer kinksters are reaching retirement age) and it would be interesting to see how it's the same and different for them, both in terms of desire and in terms of what's physically safe and what has to change.

I welcome your comments about CableFlame’s questions, and I’d also like to know what you’d like young adults to understand about senior sexuality. It's up to us to talk out loud about our attitudes, if not our activities, if we're going to make a dent in the sound barrier surrounding older-age sex!

"Today 80 is the new 60," octagenarians study sex

The wonderful people at A Woman's Touch Sexuality Resource Center in Madison, WI, run a summer school about sexuality for seniors which was recently covered by StorybridgeTV. To view the TV segment, click "play." (You may need to hear the opening sentence a few times as it loads -- be patient.) You'll hear feisty comments by the elders taking the class, and tips from Myrtle Wilhite M.D. M.S., co-owner of A Woman's Touch.

As the show's promo says, "If you don't think octagenarians are interested in sex, you could learn a thing or two from this class. After you watch this story, you'll never look at aging the same way again. And that's a good thing!"

How did you learn about sex?

How did you learn about sex, and how did your early sex education affect your enjoyment of sexuality later on? Please post your comments.

Here's my story from "My Sex Education," Chapter 3 of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty:


It was 1955, and I was twelve, with budding breasts, when my father--an obstetrician/ gynecologist--sat me down and handed me a pamphlet about the "facts of life." The language was vague, with references to pistils and stamens, very little about penises or vaginas, and certainly no reference to the clitoris. The only fully developed information was about how the egg in the woman was fertilized by the sperm from the man, leading to pregnancy. My father sat quietly as I, embarrassed and confused, read the pamphlet.

"Do you have any questions?" he asked when I finished.
"No," I lied.

I did have one burning question, which I asked my best friend: "How does the sperm get from the man to the woman?" That itty bitty fact was nowhere in the pamphlet.

My friend, oh so much wiser, told me, "He puts it in her."

Not only was "how" omitted from my introduction to sexual information, but also "why." Over the next few years, I was taught what not to do (sex or anything that could lead to it) and what awful things could happen--after all, my father saw lives ruined by teenage pregnancy. I was never taught why people want to have sex and how fulfilling it can be.

I was totally unprepared for the excitement and delicious pleasure of my urges a few years later.

Here's what a few of the Sexually Seasoned Women I interviewed said about their Early Sex Ed and Experiences:

I was reared in a home where one did not talk about sex. When I first had sex at nineteen I felt guilty because I was raised to believe it was something for married people. However, my guilt did not stop me. I justified it by becoming engaged. (Melanie, 64)

In the 1950s, when I was a teenager, few of us had intercourse due to fear of pregnancy as well as the taboos placed on extra-marital sex by society. However, I loved "heavy petting" and had terrific orgasms with digital stimulation and squeezing on men's thighs--or on horse back or fence railings! (Phoebe, 64)

I came out when I was twelve years old. I was oppressed by the times and I came from a violent family. I created my own little private world where masturbating was a way I'd feel comforted. I had my first sexual experience at fourteen with an older woman, twenty-one. I felt that was going to be my life, that I would be a sexual person. (Claire, 66)

I was brought up in a rural area in the 1950s, when sex was supposed to be forbidden, but several girls in my (very small) high school became pregnant. Then I had an affair with a married neighbor from age sixteen to twenty, and sex became a major focus, although I still excelled in school and got scholarships to college. I am very satisfied now, and no longer searching as I was. (Tina, 61)

When I was young, I was very affected by the abuse I suffered as a child. I hadn't coped with the molestation even though I had a very active sex life. I was always fearful and held back. I grew up without boundaries. You don't know your own body. It belongs to someone else. I was always so confused about sex. (Monica, 60)

I was raised in a very repressive environment. Everything about sex was labeled bad and forbidden. French kissing was a sin, kissing over ten seconds was a sin, masturbating was a sin. Birth control was also a sin, and so I became pregnant after my second sexual encounter. (Susie 60)