Read My Hips by Kim Brittingham is out now: watch out Jenny Craig and bad PR firms!

I highly recommend Kim Brittingham's hot-off-the-press memoir Read My Hips: How I Learned to Love My Body, Ditch Dieting, and Live Large! I blurbed it and found it funny, moving, occasionally dark and all-around excellent. You will never look at Jenny Craig the same way after reading about her time working there. I also like that while it's, in a sense, a "feel-good" book, it's not trite. It's not just saying, "Love your body and it'll love you back," even though it somewhat is. It's deeper and more personal and honest and raw and real than that phrase could ever be. Also? Best call-out of a PR firm EVER. That prejudice and stupidity was on Gawker and Kim expertly skewers the company that told her she was too fat to represent their clothes (Avenue) and the PR firm (5WPR) that tried to talk their way back into her good graces. Priceless.

So check it out! Read more of Kim, who got famous from her Fresh Yarn (FUCK YEAH Fresh Yarn forever!!!!) essay "Fat Is Contagious" at kimwrites.com and @kimbrittingham on Twitter.

"'Real women' are all women" and the lovely fat positive blogs on Tumblr

I’m not gonna lie: I have body issues. It's not a secret. I would like to lose 20 pounds. Am I nervous about not being at that dream/goal weight and getting naked with someone new? Hell yeah. I try to eat green vegetables and fruit every day and listen to my doctor about only drinking two cups of coffee a day (the latter is probably the toughest thing). I have plenty of issues about my body but I also am working on liking it just the way it is and accentuating the parts I like, on dressing up and not worrying about how my stomach or my ass or my arms look at any given moment.

So I loved this quote on the I love Fat!" blog on Tumblr:

There’s no such thing as a “fake woman”. A real woman may be your best friend or your worst idealogical enemy. They’re fat, skinny, and everything in-between, some shave their legs and some don’t, some have vaginas and some have penises (and some have both), some are near-saints and some are murderers, and some are even Sarah Palin. It’s no good to pick out your favorite group of women and single them out as “real women” because of their biology, psychology, or ideology. There’s no point in feminism unless it’s working for the equality of ALL women, not just the ones you agree with and like.


Dig in for just two minutes and you'll find a huge wealth of fat-positive blogs on Tumblr, including fashion ones that'll likely inspire you if you like girlie type fashion. It helps if you're on Tumblr but you don't have to be. Style is eternal is just one of many, many fashion bloggers rocking her style (and sense of humor). And tattoos!

A related announcement is coming soon...already happened if you read my Tumblr, actually, but stay tuned.

Senior Strip with Centrum Silver

I don't know how I missed this commercial and the ensuing brouhaha in 2007, but I'm on it now! Watch this Centrum Silver commericial before you read on:

So how did you respond to this? I admit I laughed, I enjoyed it. But as a self-professed advocate for ageless sexuality, was I supposed to find it offensive? Hmmmm.

Does it make fun of old people who have sexual thoughts/actions, or does it shout the message that we're never too old to be sexually adventuresome (even if only in our own mind)? Are the old people the brunt of the joke, or is it the shocked staffer in the doorway? Clearly part of the message is that  we see ourselves as younger than others see us, and we do! Not to this extreme, of course -- that's what makes the video funny.

[Aside: This past week I tried on clothes in front of a well-lighted, 3-way mirror in an upscale store and faced my body in underwear with dismay. I preferred the view ten pounds ago -- and before my cataract surgery! And lest you draw my attention to my "Older women wear lingerie" post, thank you, but let's just say that parts have been shifting, plumping, and loosening since then. Since I hate the stereotype that wrinkles can't be sexy and we're supposed to be a certain size and shape, I'm owning my body as it is now. Just had to tell you that, though.]

Ronni Bennett

Back to the commercial -- I went looking for commentary on it from seniors, and found that elderblogger Ronni Bennett posted about this video in 2007. (If you don't follow Ronni's blog, Time Goes By: what it's really like to get older, you should.) She quotes Chuck Nyren, who writes a blog,
Advertising to Baby Boomers, and said in his post about this commerical that the elders in the last scene should have been hot looking Boomers.

Chuck Nyren

Although I agree with Nyren that the ad would have appealed more to Boomers that way, isn't that propagating the stereotype that the age for feeling sexy stops at 61? What do you think?

Going Gray -- win a book!

My hair is now officially natural. I stopped coloring it about six months ago (see some photos here of my "transition") and now my short hair is naturally tri-colored: about 60 percent gray (let's call it silver), with a determined back layer of brown, and a couple of little pops of almost-white. I had never seen my natural hair color since I started coloring it more than 15 years ago. I had no idea what might be happening at the root of things. I like the change.

In between trips to the mirror, I read Going Gray: What I Learned about Beauty, Sex, Work, Motherhood, Authenticity, and Everything Else That Really Matters by Anne Kreamer. Kreamer decided to stop coloring her hair at age 49, after coloring it since age 25. The book is a personal exploration of her journey to gray, but even more interesting, a social, historical, and psychological commentary on how hair color, age, and self-image mesh -- or don't.

In one of the most fascinating chapters, "Dating -- My Three-City Match.com Road Test," Kreamer posts an online dating profile to test whether men seeking date matches respond differently to gray hair. She posts identical photos on identical Match.com profiles in three different cities, except that she posts first as a brunette for a few weeks, removes the profile, and then a few months later, posts a gray-haired photo. I would love to tell you how that came out, but it's such a marvelous part of the book (including the reactions of her husband as she trolled for dates!) that I'm going to encourage you to read it for yourself.

What about you? Did you meet someone after you had settled into your silver hair when romance had eluded you as a blonde? Did responses to your online dating profile go up or down after you posted a new, natural-color photo? Did you go gray and then return, screaming, to your colorist to camouflage your tresses? Did you discover that your face and skin match better now that you're no longer ebony-haired?

Tell me your story and win a book! When Hachette Book Group, the publisher of Going Gray, learned that I would be blogging about this book, they offered me five (5!) copies to give away in a contest! Interested? Here's what you do:

Email me your 2-3 paragraph story about how deciding to go gray changed your dating life, self-image, and/or sex life -- for better or worse. Include your real name, age, and address, plus a first name of your choice which will be used to identify you if I publish your story or an excerpt on my blog. Yep, you have to agree to go public using your code name and age. No other ID will be published unless you request it (if you're a writer, performer, or other person in the public eye and you want your story told with your name).

Please put "Going Gray contest" in the subject line of your email. If your story is among the first five that I love (I reserve the right to be totally subjective), you'll receive a free copy of Going Gray directly from the publisher. What a deal!

Can Men be Attracted to Gravity-Challenged Breasts?

I was interviewed recently by Sarah Hampson about Boomer sex and dating for Canada's Globe and Mail. The article, "Boomers, it's a brave new sexual world," appeared 1/15/09 and has attracted many reader comments, mostly people objecting to the tone or examples in the article, and several exhibiting the "ick factor," as I call it -- such as these examples:

• I don't really want to hear about people my parents age having sex.
• Geriatric sex is just nasty. Back in the closet Woodstock.
• Please go have your "old-person" sex somewhere else, but for everyone's sake do it quietly.
• I am now canceling my subscription to the Globe and Mail.

A quote from me in the article, "A man is attracted to you because he is attracted to you, not the shape of your breasts," led to this comment from a reader:

This woman expert is clearly out to lunch on this one ... discounts the physical part of attraction altogether, which for man is probably at least 50/50 with personality. The shape of a woman's breasts are definitely part of the attraction package.

I had to respond:

Actually, I'm not discounting the physical part of attraction at all. What I am discounting is the notion that only a youthful appearance can be attractive. We ARE attractive and sexy even if our breasts are susceptible to gravity over time. My wonderful husband always exclaimed that he was stunned by the beauty of my far-from-perky breasts. Let's just get over the youth orientation of what our society and the media label beautiful and/or sexy....

Then I had to laugh at the follow-up comment from another reader:

Your husband is also biased. Do you honestly think a husband is going to tell his wife he prefers the firm, perky breasts of a 20 y/o. No...he just dreams about them.

This amused me because as much as "the firm, perky breasts of a 20 y/o" fit society's image as beautiful, and I never begrudged Robert any pleasure or fantasy he might have enjoyed when seeing (or imagining) a young woman's cleavage, Robert was not wishing that I had breasts (or face, or feet, or hair) that were anything other than reality. He was an authentic man, and he valued authenticity in the woman he loved. He told me so, and proved it with his words, his caresses, and the delight in his eyes.

Senior celebrities talk about sex... sort of

I was surprised to see two celebrities of our generation talking about sex (in a roundabout way) in Parade (Dec. 21, 2008).

Dustin Hoffman, age 71, was interviewed by Jeanne Wolf, who writes,

In his latest film, the romance Last Chance Harvey, Hoffman plays a lonely guy who finds late-in-life love with Emma Thompson. And proving he still likes to be a bit inappropriate, he looks at me and says, “Don’t worry, there’s no big bedroom scene. We didn’t have enough money for the special effects to make me look great naked.”

Objection, Dustin! We'd love to see you in a big bedroom scene about "late-in-life love"! Who decides what looking great naked means at our age -- not the youth stereotype, please. Anyone who wants to judge for yourself whether Dustin Hoffman looks great naked at 71, raise your hand....


In an article by James Brady in the same issue, Angela Lansbury, 83, says, “I don’t want to get married again. But I’d love to have a guy around.” I wish I could ask her how she means that!

"Ugly vagina"? Who came up with this?

Oh dear. I'm seldom surprised by any attitude about sexuality or body image, but today I'm shocked. I knew that some plastic surgeons did labiaplasty, trimming of the inner labia, for aesthetic reasons, but I thought this was a fringe element and didn't have to be taken seriously.

Now I learn that many women are indeed self-conscious about what they consider an "ugly vagina" because their labia are bigger or flappier or asymmetrical or in some other way not as neat and trim as those of porn stars. There's a fascinating post about this on the Daily Bedpost, a sex-advice blog by Em & Lo--Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey--the self-proclaimed "Emily Posts of the modern bedroom."

I never saw a reason to compare myself to a porn star, but if I were to find reasons, they would be more along the lines of breasts and buttocks, not labia! As much as my labia are wildly imperfect, as evidenced by the "before and after" photos of labiaplasty, it wouldn't have occurred to me to fret about this, much less consider reconstructing them. Personally, I shuddered at the "after" pictures because of the unnatural uniformity.

Who determined that our labia should look alike? Men's penises certainly don't look alike, and that's one of the joys of discovery, so to speak.

I think this must be a young woman's issue, because I never heard older women mention it, but I beg you to correct me if I'm wrong. If you're a woman, have you spent a moment worrying that your partner might find your labia ugly? If you're a lover of women, have you ever been turned off by labia? Please say it isn't so!

Eye-Catching Thong Worn by 52-yr-old Woman

A 52-year-old woman is suing Victoria's Secret because a metallic ornament popped off a thong she was trying on and hit her in the eye, damaging her cornea, according to NYDailyNews.com.

I read the article, then started perusing the reader comments. I stopped in my tracks when I read this:

this woman is to old to be wearin a thong , eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww. what she needs to be wearin is some big grandma underwear. 52 years old is to old to try and look sexy at that age.

It seems I can't go a week without encountering anti-sexual, ageist stereotypes like this. The flying ornament aside, can we focus for a minute on what this reader is saying (with apparent disgust and shock): a woman over 50 is too "old to try and look sexy."

It's what I call the "ick factor": society's view of aging women as either sexless or ludicrous and pathetic if they see themselves as sexy. No wonder women fear aging and do everything they can to hide it, convinced they lose their attractiveness at age 50 (or 40!). They fret that they can't look sexy for themselves or their partners if they have a few wrinkles or their bottoms and bosoms hang heavier than they used to.

I've railed about this before, and I'll keep on railing as long as I keep reading statements like "eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww...52 years old is to old to try and look sexy"!

How Not to Look Old: Yucky stereotype but savvy tips

How Not to Look Old by Charla Krupp (Springboard, 2008) is a book I'd love to hate, and in many ways, I do. Krupp feeds our image self-consciousness as if she were feeding swimmers' bodies to sharks, with attitudes like we can't succeed in business and we're ludicrous and totally unappealing (not to mention unsexy) if we look our age, dress comfortably, go outside without makeup, wear gym shoes with jeans, or wear our glasses on a chain around our neck.

This advice is coming from an unwrinkled, tight-bodied former Glamour beauty director, the darling of Oprah, Tyra, and Good Morning America, who doesn't look a minute over 40. OK, that's her point: You never need to look over 40, as long as you follow her fashion and makeup rules and make your dermatologist your new best friend. Oh, and if you can, it's a good idea to spend a fortune not letting yourself look old.

I resent this woman who looks nowhere near my 64 years claiming to represent "the over 40 generation." I hate her first statement: "All right, I'm just going to come out and say it. Aging sucks." I hate that she sees age spots, crow's feet, saggy bosoms and bunions as vile and icky. I hate her premise that "to keep our paychecks and our self-esteem, we need to look young; we need to look current." I hate that she spent only one sentence on exercise (the genuine fountain of youth).

And yet, if you can get past all that, I must admit it -- this book has terrific tips for optimizing our appearance. I found myself taking notes on the chapter about how to choose a flattering pair of jeans -- who knew? I learned about a dozen new things about updating my makeup (on the rare occasions when I use anything other than a dash of lipstick).

I surely would love to debate Krupp about aging, appearance, and our attitudes towards both, though. Do you think Oprah would invite me?

A Love Letter to Aging Bodies and Faces

Do you think aging has made you less attractive? Do you have difficulty seeing yourself or your partner as sexy and desirable?

Then it’s time to challenge your own as well as society’s perception that only young bodies and unlined faces are sexy and beautiful. We need to accept – no, celebrate! – our wrinkles and rejoice in all the pleasure these bodies can still give us.

Let's join together and practice rejecting society’s youth-oriented view of beauty, keeping ourselves fit so that we feel happy with our bodies, and keeping a loud, buoyant sense of humor!

I love my 71-year-old husband Robert’s face and body. I look into his vibrant blue eyes and I see the young man as well as the older man. The older man is no less sexy than the younger man must have been (I didn't know him then). In fact, he's more sexy, because he has learned how to live joyfully and love completely in ways that a young man can't know until he has lived a full life.

I look in the mirror, where new wrinkles seem to appear weekly. I try to walk my own talk, accepting my own face as I accept Robert's, telling myself these wrinkles are badges of living, laughing, and loving. I tell myself, this is the youngest I'll ever be from now on!

I asked my 103-year-old great aunt what it felt like to be more than a hundred. She said, “I’m the same person I always was.”

So are we. Rather than trying to deny our aging -- which is futile anyway -- let's celebrate it.


(Photos by Mitch Rice, Robert's son, on Robert's 71st birthday)