Showing posts with label friends with benefits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends with benefits. Show all posts
Breaking Rules at Our Age
What sexual “rules” have you broken since turning 50, 60, or beyond? I ask this because I discovered from the interviews and reader stories that you'll read in Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, many of us make some pretty drastic changes in our lives after age 50. Maybe we get divorced, discover love, open up our marriage, take a new lover, experiment with kink or multiple partners or virtual sex -- or some combination of these or other alternatives.
The point is that although society sees us as settled into mid-life or old age, we're far from "settled." I think there's something about emerging from menopause that makes us question where we want to be in our lives. Menopause often feels like an upheaval -- I've described it before as "PMS on steroids" -- where everything seems upside down. We don't want to be responsible for remembering the whole family's appointments, for example, and we might not be overly kind when we tell family members to take care of themselves.
After the upheaval settles, we see our lives differently. We realize that it's now or never: it's up to us to invent -- or reinvent -- what we want the rest of our lives to be, and what we have to do to actively go after our dreams.
At the same time, in our sexual world, the old ways may not work any more. We may need different kinds of arousal or even a different type of relationship or a different partner. Major! I got so many stories from my Naked at Our Age interviewees about alternative sex practices that this topic became a whole chapter: "Off the Beaten Path: Nontraditional Sex Practices and Relationships." People wrote about swinging, polyamory, BDSM, friends with benefits, older women/younger men (20-30 years difference!), phone sex, and more.
I predicted that younger readers would be shocked at what seniors are doing behind closed doors, and I should have guessed that it would shock our own age group, too. I've heard a couple of criticisms that this chapter and the one titled "Hiring Sensuality" (which I won't tell you about -- you have to read that one for yourself, and no, it's not just men hiring sex!) make it sound like I'm endorsing or even pushing people towards alternative lifestyles.I'm not pushing anyone into anything. I'm showing senior sex -- behaviors and attitudes -- in all its colors and stripes. Personally, I support adults doing with other consenting adults whatever brings them pleasure, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone -- including the partners of those consenting adults. I have "vanilla" tastes myself, but that's beside the point. The book is only partly about me. It's really about you... and you... and you.
So back to my original question: What sexual “rules” have you broken since turning 50, 60, or beyond? By rules I mean society's rules, the law, unspoken or spoken rules in a relationship, even your own rules. I'd love to see a dialogue start here. Please comment!
Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex is now available! Order an autographed copy directly from me -- be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it -- by clicking the PayPal button below...
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"Friends with benefits" -- at our age?
I'm moving this post from 3/2010 to the top because of the recent comments -- I invite you to comment, also!
Can we have a bedmate who isn’t a soulmate -- or even a steady date -- at our age?
Miriam, age 57, wrote me this email pondering whether or not it’s possible to have a “friend with benefits” -- AKA "sex buddy" -- at our age, getting the perks of sex with someone we feel comfortable with, but don't consider a love relationship:
I had several sex buddies during my long decades of single life. These were men who were friends first, and we genuinely liked each other. We recognized and discussed honestly that we were not each other's true loves and we understood that our relationship would not develop in that direction.
Yet we were attracted to each other, and at the time we were not in other exclusive relationships. We did a lot of talking before we decided that we would enjoy being sex buddies.
We agreed from the beginning -- and I think this is very important -- that we would not be exclusive with each other, would not stop seeking that eventual soulmate, and if we started getting serious about someone else, we would terminate the sexual part of our friendship.
In my 30's and 40's, I had a dear sex buddy whom I enjoyed for many years, on and off (depending on whether one of us became involved in another relationship that needed to be monogamous). We were good friends in and out of bed.
But that was largely hormone-driven. Now other sexual needs drive us than our hormones -- we want to be touched and held, we love our arousal and our orgasms, we love the high of sex with an enjoyable partner and the laughter and intimacy afterwards. You're right that our bonding brain chemicals could play tricks on us and convince us were' in love when the sex is good, even though our logic says no.
The person you mention who was my buddy for two years (I was 55-57) right before Robert and I became involved was in a committed relationship with someone with disparate sexual needs. My friend and I met with his mate and discussed what would be acceptable. We agreed to do only what didn't feel threatening to my friend's partner. This worked out very well. But I know this is rare. We were, all three of us, unusually verbal and honest, with good communications skills and a solid friendship.
Then, when Robert and I shared our first kiss, I immediately broke things off with my buddy, who understood and wished me well. We stayed close, Platonic friends -- and we still are.
Of course I was honest with Robert, who was understandably uncomfortable about the whole business -- he had never had such a relationship, and didn't understand or like this. So be aware, if you enter into such a relationship, that you might encounter this, too.
Robert eventually got to know my buddy and like him, though he continued to furrow his brow and shake his head at what seemed to him to be very odd behavior!
Miriam also asked me this:
I would not return to a former lover whom I had loved for this experiment. It just seems full of potential problems, because your earlier emotions could kick in easily.
Readers, help us here. Where did you find a sex buddy who was emotionally safe? How did you approach a friend with an offer of FWB? I hope you'll comment.
Can we have a bedmate who isn’t a soulmate -- or even a steady date -- at our age?
Miriam, age 57, wrote me this email pondering whether or not it’s possible to have a “friend with benefits” -- AKA "sex buddy" -- at our age, getting the perks of sex with someone we feel comfortable with, but don't consider a love relationship:
I read in Better Than I Ever Expectedwhere you and others have had neighbors/ friends/ buddies you have sex with when in between partners. I never considered this option before and would like to explore it.
I eventually want another lifelong love. I could only consider having sex with someone I like and love. I'd like to try the sex-buddy approach, but I have a burning emotional question: Even if he's currently a friend who is willing to be a sex-buddy and there's not a chance between us for a long romance --how do you keep your oxytocin bonding feelings from taking over and locking onto your sex-buddy when you should be looking for a more robust, true love, like you had with Robert?
I'd love to know how to navigate this territory without getting derailed or distracted from my goal of finding a long term love. So who are good candidates? And what kind of parameters do you have with such a pillow pal? Monogamous with each other for the time being? Either one is free to have other partners? How do you end it?
I think you said in your book that you actually had a sex buddy when you first met Robert. How did you transition out of it? Any tips for how to make this successful?
I had several sex buddies during my long decades of single life. These were men who were friends first, and we genuinely liked each other. We recognized and discussed honestly that we were not each other's true loves and we understood that our relationship would not develop in that direction.
Yet we were attracted to each other, and at the time we were not in other exclusive relationships. We did a lot of talking before we decided that we would enjoy being sex buddies.
We agreed from the beginning -- and I think this is very important -- that we would not be exclusive with each other, would not stop seeking that eventual soulmate, and if we started getting serious about someone else, we would terminate the sexual part of our friendship.
In my 30's and 40's, I had a dear sex buddy whom I enjoyed for many years, on and off (depending on whether one of us became involved in another relationship that needed to be monogamous). We were good friends in and out of bed.
But that was largely hormone-driven. Now other sexual needs drive us than our hormones -- we want to be touched and held, we love our arousal and our orgasms, we love the high of sex with an enjoyable partner and the laughter and intimacy afterwards. You're right that our bonding brain chemicals could play tricks on us and convince us were' in love when the sex is good, even though our logic says no.
The person you mention who was my buddy for two years (I was 55-57) right before Robert and I became involved was in a committed relationship with someone with disparate sexual needs. My friend and I met with his mate and discussed what would be acceptable. We agreed to do only what didn't feel threatening to my friend's partner. This worked out very well. But I know this is rare. We were, all three of us, unusually verbal and honest, with good communications skills and a solid friendship.
Then, when Robert and I shared our first kiss, I immediately broke things off with my buddy, who understood and wished me well. We stayed close, Platonic friends -- and we still are.
Of course I was honest with Robert, who was understandably uncomfortable about the whole business -- he had never had such a relationship, and didn't understand or like this. So be aware, if you enter into such a relationship, that you might encounter this, too.
Robert eventually got to know my buddy and like him, though he continued to furrow his brow and shake his head at what seemed to him to be very odd behavior!
Miriam also asked me this:
Who are the candidates? When I think of my single male friends, overwhelmingly, I consider them like brothers, and there's no sexual vibe at all. The only other candidates would be former lovers, if we've been able to separate amicably and maintain a friendship. I'd be willing to try that, but then I'm concerned about that oxytocin bonding boost. Since I have already been in love with them once, I fear I'd get too bonded to them again, and stop putting out energy to be available for anyone else, even though I know there's no romantic long term future with them. But the sensual touch sure would be nice!
I would not return to a former lover whom I had loved for this experiment. It just seems full of potential problems, because your earlier emotions could kick in easily.
Readers, help us here. Where did you find a sex buddy who was emotionally safe? How did you approach a friend with an offer of FWB? I hope you'll comment.
"Booty call" at 64?
Arlette, age 64, sent me her interview questionnaire for my new book, and I'm puzzling over something. What did we call "booty call" before that term was invented? What would we seniors call it now?
Arlette is single, independent, loves her solitude, and loves sex. She has a partner who feels the same. They have great sex and good conversation, then she goes back to her life and he to his. They're not living together or dating; they're just having uncomplicated, uninhibited, and exuberant sex when they want to.
Arlette writes me that she's living her fantasies -- and I'm delighted for her. I'm just wondering if we have a term to describe the relationship that's a bit more elegant or mature than "booty call"? (She didn't call it that -- I just can't think of what to use instead.)
I know, some of you will tell me that this kind of relationship doesn't warrant an elegant or mature term, but I don't agree. If we don't do exactly what we want at our age, when will we? I'm curious to know what you think.
Arlette is single, independent, loves her solitude, and loves sex. She has a partner who feels the same. They have great sex and good conversation, then she goes back to her life and he to his. They're not living together or dating; they're just having uncomplicated, uninhibited, and exuberant sex when they want to.
Arlette writes me that she's living her fantasies -- and I'm delighted for her. I'm just wondering if we have a term to describe the relationship that's a bit more elegant or mature than "booty call"? (She didn't call it that -- I just can't think of what to use instead.)
I know, some of you will tell me that this kind of relationship doesn't warrant an elegant or mature term, but I don't agree. If we don't do exactly what we want at our age, when will we? I'm curious to know what you think.
