Breaking Rules at Our Age

What sexual “rules” have you broken since turning 50, 60, or beyond?

I ask this because I discovered from the interviews and reader stories that you'll read in  Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, many of us make some pretty drastic changes in our lives after age 50. Maybe we get divorced,  discover love, open up our marriage, take a new lover, experiment with kink or multiple partners or virtual sex -- or some combination of these or other alternatives.

The point is that although society sees us as settled into mid-life or old age, we're far from "settled." I think there's something about emerging from menopause that makes us question where we want to be in our lives. Menopause often feels like an upheaval -- I've described it before as "PMS on steroids" -- where everything seems upside down. We don't want to be responsible for remembering the whole family's appointments, for example, and we might not be overly kind when we tell family members to take care of themselves.

After the upheaval settles, we see our lives differently. We realize that it's now or never: it's up to us to invent -- or reinvent -- what we want the rest of our lives to be, and what we have to do to actively go after our dreams.

At the same time, in our sexual world, the old ways may not work any more. We may need different kinds of arousal or even a different type of relationship or a different partner. Major!

I got so many stories from my Naked at Our Age interviewees about alternative sex practices that this topic became a whole chapter: "Off the Beaten Path: Nontraditional Sex Practices and Relationships." People wrote about swinging, polyamory, BDSM, friends with benefits, older women/younger men (20-30 years difference!), phone sex, and more.

I predicted that younger readers would be shocked at what seniors are doing behind closed doors, and I should have guessed that it would shock our own age group, too. I've heard a couple of criticisms that this chapter and the one titled "Hiring Sensuality" (which I won't tell you about -- you have to read that one for yourself, and no, it's not just men hiring sex!) make it sound like I'm endorsing or even pushing people towards alternative lifestyles.

I'm not pushing anyone into anything. I'm showing senior sex -- behaviors and attitudes -- in all its colors and stripes. Personally, I support adults doing with other consenting adults whatever brings them pleasure, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone -- including the partners of those consenting adults. I have "vanilla" tastes myself, but that's beside the point. The book is only partly about me. It's really about you... and you... and you.

So back to my original question: What sexual “rules” have you broken since turning 50, 60, or beyond?  By rules I mean society's rules, the law, unspoken or spoken rules in a relationship, even your own rules. I'd love to see a dialogue start here. Please comment!

Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex is now available! Order an autographed copy directly from me -- be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it -- by clicking the PayPal button below...

Or order from Amazon here. To order from other retailers, please see http://www.joanprice.com/contact.htm

Learn more about Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex here.

Did you tell your story in Naked at Our Age?

I've emailed all of you whose stories appear in Naked at Our Age and all our experts about receiving a copy of the book. Several emails to my interviewees came back as undeliverable. If you should have received an email from me but didn't, please email me now with your updated address. I hope you see this!

If you aren't in the book but you sure want to read it, yes, it's available now! Read about it on my website here and in previous blog posts here.

Order an autographed copy directly from me -- be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it -- by clicking the PayPal button below...

Or order from Amazon here.

I am thrilled by the compelling reader stories and the immediately helpful advice and action tips from our experts. I know you will learn plenty and enjoy it thoroughly!

Andy, 44, turned on by women 60+

I often hear from younger men who tell me they desire older women.

Sometimes their emails are short and consist of abbreviations (hey, guys, emails to me shouldn't read like a tweet!), which makes me wonder how they would handle a slow-burning, older woman.

Occasionally they invite me to share a romp--or, in one case, a shower. Sorry, fellows, I'm flattered, but I need to get to know (and like) a man first.

Usually, though, they're the kind of reader emails that I love: respectful and earnestly trying to gain useful information or share a story. For example, I recently heard from Andy, age 44, a British man who gave me permission to share what he wrote me:

I am exactly the type of man you so often write about. When I was just 15, I would look at my mother's friends and fantasize. Later on at night I would lie in bed and imagine making love to them. I would conjure up scenarios in my mind and imagine the spontaneity and excitement of it all.

As I get older, I find myself wanting women of 60-plus. My mates think I'm strange, weird - some even think I'm sick. But what turns me on is not so much their physical appearance but that they are so turned on themselves during the course of our love making.

I would far rather make love to a highly excited 60-year-old woman than a drop-dead gorgeous figure of 22 years who acts like a mannequin.

Right now, I am finding myself flirting with an older woman yet again. She is 70 and clearly very sexually frustrated. She flirts with me and has said in no uncertain terms if she was 30 years younger she would be "hitting on me real hard." Wow - I got so turned on when she said that. I think something might happen soon.

I suggest he tell her, "You don't need to be 30 years younger -- you're perfect the way you are!"

Anything you'd like to say to Andy?

For more posts about younger men/older women, click here.

"Friends with benefits" -- at our age?

I'm moving this post from 3/2010 to the top because of the recent comments -- I invite you to comment, also!

Can we have a bedmate who isn’t a soulmate -- or even a steady date -- at our age?

Miriam, age 57, wrote me this email pondering whether or not it’s possible to have a “friend with benefits” -- AKA "sex buddy" -- at our age, getting the perks of sex with someone we feel comfortable with, but don't consider a love relationship:

I read in Better Than I Ever Expected where you and others have had neighbors/ friends/ buddies you have sex with when in between partners. I never considered this option before and would like to explore it.

I eventually want another lifelong love. I could only consider having sex with someone I like and love. I'd like to try the sex-buddy approach, but I have a burning emotional question: Even if he's currently a friend who is willing to be a sex-buddy and there's not a chance between us for a long romance --how do you keep your oxytocin bonding feelings from taking over and locking onto your sex-buddy when you should be looking for a more robust, true love, like you had with Robert?

I'd love to know how to navigate this territory without getting derailed or distracted from my goal of finding a long term love. So who are good candidates? And what kind of parameters do you have with such a pillow pal? Monogamous with each other for the time being? Either one is free to have other partners? How do you end it?

I think you said in your book that you actually had a sex buddy when you first met Robert. How did you transition out of it? Any tips for how to make this successful?  

I had several sex buddies during my long decades of single life. These were men who were friends first, and we genuinely liked each other. We recognized and discussed honestly that we were not each other's true loves and we understood that our relationship would not develop in that direction.

Yet we were attracted to each other, and at the time we were not in other exclusive relationships. We did a lot of talking before we decided that we would enjoy being sex buddies.

We agreed from the beginning -- and I think this is very important -- that we would not be exclusive with each other, would not stop seeking that eventual soulmate, and if we started getting serious about someone else, we would terminate the sexual part of our friendship.

In my 30's and 40's, I had a dear sex buddy whom I enjoyed for many years, on and off (depending on whether one of us became involved in another relationship that needed to be monogamous). We were good friends in and out of bed.

But that was largely hormone-driven. Now other sexual needs drive us than our hormones -- we want to be touched and held, we love our arousal and our orgasms, we love the high of sex with an enjoyable partner and the laughter and intimacy afterwards. You're right that our bonding brain chemicals could play tricks on us and convince us were' in love when the sex is good, even though our logic says no.

The person you mention who was my buddy for two years (I was 55-57) right before Robert and I became involved was in a committed relationship with someone with disparate sexual needs. My friend and I met with his mate and discussed what would be acceptable. We agreed to do only what didn't feel threatening to my friend's partner. This worked out very well. But I know this is rare. We were, all three of us, unusually verbal and honest, with good communications skills and a solid friendship. 

Then, when Robert and I shared our first kiss, I immediately broke things off with my buddy, who understood and wished me well. We stayed close, Platonic friends -- and we still are.

Of course I was honest with Robert, who was understandably uncomfortable about the whole business -- he had never had such a relationship, and didn't understand or like this. So be aware, if you enter into such a relationship, that you might encounter this, too.

Robert eventually got to know my buddy and like him, though he continued to furrow his brow and shake his head at what seemed to him to be very odd behavior!

Miriam also asked me this:

Who are the candidates? When I think of my single male friends, overwhelmingly, I consider them like brothers, and there's no sexual vibe at all. The only other candidates would be former lovers, if we've been able to separate amicably and maintain a friendship. I'd be willing to try that, but then I'm concerned about that oxytocin bonding boost. Since I have already been in love with them once, I fear I'd get too bonded to them again, and stop putting out energy to be available for anyone else, even though I know there's no romantic long term future with them. But the sensual touch sure would be nice!

I would not return to a former lover whom I had loved for this experiment. It just seems full of potential problems, because your earlier emotions could kick in easily.

Readers, help us here. Where did you find a sex buddy who was emotionally safe? How did you approach a friend with an offer of FWB? I hope you'll comment.

Ron, age 66: "Ladies are sooo inventive!"

I love getting reader stories, and Ron, age 66, has opened my eyes to the adventures of a remarkably open and sexually active man who is enjoying his single life tremendously. Of Scots heritage, Ron enjoys wearing kilts "for their obvious freedom and comfort and fun." He illustrates:

Dating a lady my age, we're out for lunch at a chain restaurant sitting in a booth and suddenly her bare feet are under my kilt lovingly massaging my boy parts. No one can see. We know. Ladies are sooo inventive."

Ron does a lot of online dating, and enjoys women our age.

I have met a lot of wonderful women. Despite the protest on the Internet profiles, a common first date includes making love at the lady's initiative. Most often I'm the boy toy and they want to use my body for their own pleasure. I think its wonderful.

Since there are more single women than men of our age, Ron has a concept of the ideal retirement community which includes "man sharing":

What if say three lonely ladies got together and chose a compatible man to share an nice large home with. Share the rent, share the chores, share the love. Seems it would sure beat living alone. I'm sure someone's way ahead of me on this. Gotta be happening already. For the longest time I thought of it as something I, as a surviving male would do - go out and find three women who would be up for such an arrangement. Lately, I've realized such a group would be better formed if the ladies bonded first then sought out the male to share together.

Ron's satisfied lovers already pass him on to one another:

Looking back over my lovers since my divorce there have probably been seven or eight who were "referrals" from previous lovers.  Its probably a woman thing that I don't understand - but deeply appreciate.

What do you think? Men, do women "refer" you to their friends? Women, if you date a man who leaves you with a smile on your face, do you tell your single friends to get in touch with him? Though I have no direct experience with this, I must admit it's an intriguing idea!

Thank you, Ron, for your willingness to go public with your story!

No sex, and we can't talk about it

“My wife and I are in our fifties and rarely have sex, about once or twice a year,” John wrote to me. “I cannot talk to my wife about it at all, as I suspect she is not interested.” Here is his story:

Because she never initiates anything I am assuming that she can live without sex. We once went five years of abstinence. This is really a problem for me as I need sex much more frequently. When sex occurs it is not great anyway, following the same pattern each time.

Since menopause my wife finds intercourse painful. Is this just because it’s been a long time since we had sex and the menopause has really kicked in? She never used to find it painful, but I noticed that she does not seem to become aroused much and vaginal fluid has become a thing of the past. Gel did not work either.

John went on to explain that he masturbates a couple of times a week to “fend off the urges that could lead to infidelity,” but he worries that this is harmful and he’s trying to stop. He admits that their sex life in earlier times wasn’t terrific, either -- lights off, no variety -- but they lived with it for the thirty years of their marriage. He continued:

I have racked my brain for a plan of action. I know the hard part is putting it across to my wife in a way which is pleasant and attractive. So my first move is to stop masturbating to stop the urge. I think that if I leave things until I get really desperate, I will have to communicate with her as the only option.

John’s story tugs at so many important concerns: lack of communication and his wife’s vaginal pain, lack of lubrication, and diminished desire. In my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, I devote an entire chapter to each of these four problems. I wish I could send him the book now, but it won’t be out until June. Of course I’m not going to make him wait until June to get some direction.


First of all, John, your wife needs to get a medical evaluation for her vaginal pain. There can be several causes (which I go into in Naked at Our Age), and yes, there are solutions! A common cause is the tightening of the vaginal floor muscles after menopause when they don’t get regular practice relaxing through sexual arousal and orgasm. An excellent resource for making vaginal intercourse more comfortable is the Vaginal Renewal Program from A Woman’s Touch.

Please also try different lubricants. I don't know which "gel" you used, but lubricants are very important at our age when our own lubrication decreases. These posts about lubrication will give you more information.

However, you’ve got to be able to talk about this problem in order to fix it! A sex therapist would be a great help here, especially since this isn’t a new problem. Sex therapists are trained to understand what’s preventing you from having a good sex life and offer strategies for improving communication as well as sex itself. This has gone on so long that although I could offer some communication tips, I think you do need a third person listening. If she wouldn’t be willing to go to a sex therapist, a couples therapist would be a good start.

For now, can you say something like this to your wife?

“Our marriage means the world to me, and I would feel happier if we could work on the problems that are interfering with our sexual intimacy. I think we need some help and guidance, because we’re staying stuck on our own. Could we see a doctor about your vaginal pain and talk to a counselor about how to bring intimacy back into our marriage?”

Please see also Yvonne Fulbright’s comments on communicating about sex.


Please realize, John, that there's nothing wrong with masturbation at our age or any age. Our sexual urges tell us that we're fully alive -- they're not our enemy.

I know this is a small answer to a big problem, John, but I hope it will encourage you to take the first steps at talking with your wife openly and lovingly and seeking professional guidance. Would you please let me know what you do and what happens?

Inviting Your Stories and Questions about Senior Sex

I continue to get emails from blog readers who have their own senior sex stories to share and often ask questions about sexual responsiveness, communication with a partner, sex and grief, how health issues affect sex, desire disparity, dating, and all those other issues that challenge our later-life sexuality. I welcome comments on this blog (see the labels on the right for topics already covered) and your emails when you have more to say or ask.

For the past five years, I would have invited you to answer my questionnaire and submit your concerns for my new book, and I would have matched your concerns with experts who have the answers you seek. But now the book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, is finished and we're just waiting for its publication June 2011.

So here's what I'd like to do from here on:

1. Email me your story and your questions.

2. In your email, tell me I have permission to excerpt your email to post on my blog. If I change it much, I'll send it back to you for your approval first.

3. Choose a first name that you'd like your story to appear under (it doesn't have to be your real name), and tell me your real age. 

4. I'll get back to you with a link to your story/questions and the blog post where it appears.

I really can't answer detailed questions via email, but as long as you're willing to share your story to help others, I'm happy to get you the information you seek.

Please be patient, though! I'll acknowledge your email right away, but I might not get to writing the blog post quickly. At the moment, I'm way behind answering your emails, and I doubt I'll ever catch up completely! You're welcome to keep sending me additions and gentle reminders while you wait.

This blog has already won several awards because of its useful content, and I'd like it to be an even better resource, continuing to grow and offer you information and community. I hope you'll return often!

Man, 82: "I don't know how to approach a lady friend for sex"

I'm 82, I can get an orgasm but can't get a firm erection. I don't know how to approach a lady friend of 65 for sex. I'm afraid to reveal my problem. What can I do?

-- Russ

Russ, by all means, talk to your lady friend about your situation. Frankly, I'm sure she's assuming that you do have erectile difficulties at age 82, and she's not bringing it up, leaving it up to you to decide when or how much to disclose.

Fortunately, you are capable or orgasms without erections. Many women don't know this is possible, so you'll be giving her good news. When you get to this point, please take matters into your own hands to show her exactly the kind of touch that you need. It may be difficult at first to do this, but understand that a woman can't know how to please you unless you show her.

It used to be easy for us--as well as for you!--when an erection showed us that we were doing what you liked, and you pretty much liked anything we did! But now, both genders have changed in what works for us, and we all need to be more straightforward in communicating this with our partners.

As for her pleasure, are you aware that few women experience orgasms through intercourse alone? Our pleasure centers are our brains, our skin, and our clitoris -- all of which are accessible without erections. I'll be posting some techniques for giving women pleasure without an erection shortly, and I'll have many more in my upcoming book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.

Since you're not sexual yet with your lady friend, but you'd like to be, I hope you're spending quality time with her, getting to know each other as friends, learning how to talk easily together. Let your inner "flirt" out at times, and see how she responds. Compliment her, take her hand, make eye contact, ask her questions about herself.

When you make casual, physical contact--taking her hand, touching her arm, leaning in closer to talk--be super sensitive to her reactions, especially her body language. When you lean in, does she match you, or pull away? When you touch her arm, does she slide it closer, or retract it? You can learn a lot about whether she feels sexual about you by how she reacts to these simple gestures.

I wish you well with your new relationship. I hope you'll let us know how it develops!

- Joan

Viagra "not a sack of cement installer"

I'm writing the chapter about cancer and sexuality for my new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. The stories people sent me about reclaiming their sexuality after cancer treatment fill me with admiration. I looked back at some older posts on this blog that deal with sex & cancer, and decided to bring back this one from 2006. With the prevalence of Viagra use, I think BillyBob's experience and his thoughts about it are important. - Joan

BillyBob, age 62, has told some of his story previously as a comment here. He recently sent me an email detailing an experience that he wants to share -- and he makes an important point:

I started dating a lady I have known for a year, mostly through phone conversations. I knew that she likes sex. Last weekend we went for dinner. After dinner she wanted to go back to my place for a while.

Well, as it turned out, it was the most embarrassing time I have ever had, all because of a misconception some woman have about impotency.

I took a Viagra after we got back to the motel hoping it worked fast! It did its normal thing and got me sexually aroused but not 100%. She knew I had to take it because of the prostate cancer killing my prostate.

Here is where the misconception comes in. It seems that women who do not know about Viagra seem to think if you take it you just get ramrodding hard, and they do not need to do any stimulation. Well that’s just plain wrong. Men still need stimulation along with the Viagra. The drug is not a sack of cement installer.

And I was not about to masturbate myself in order to get it hard. Not in the presence of a woman.

So as it turned out she turned me off instead of on. What a bummer. It was so disappointing. I had looked forward to our meeting for some time. And the possibility of finally enjoying good sex with some one that likes sex.

All a woman needs to know about the drug is that you do things as normally, using stimulation together. So please tell your readers what my experience was.

BillyBob, thank you for sharing this experience. Viagra helps when there's a physical cause for lack of erection, as you know, but it doesn't increase libido, or substitute for all those other crucial components of good sex that you (and I, and probably everyone reading this) crave -- touching, kissing, bonding, stimulating each other physically and emotionally, enjoying each other's pleasure as well as our own.

It sounds like most of this experience was missing for you. What a bummer, I agree. I'm sorry you didn't feel you could communicate your needs and desires to your partner -- I don't know, maybe she would have been happy to help you get aroused if she had understood. It's hard to understand why she didn't seem interested in stimulating you just as part of the sex play (with or without Viagra), since that's a good part of the fun of sex.

I know you were too embarrassed to masturbate in front of her when she didn't help arouse you, but as a woman, I find it very pleasurable and exciting to watch a man stimulate himself. I don't know if your partner would have reacted this way, but I'll bet she would have.

If you see a future or at least a repeat date with this woman, I hope you'll communicate candidly with her before you get to "the act." And please continue to write.

Thank you again, BillyBob.

-- Joan

22-year-old man: "How to approach older women?"

Feb. 12, 2010 update: I'm bringing this older post up to the front again because of all the questions I'm getting on the same subject. I get more emails from younger men -- age 18 to 40something -- who are attracted to much older women (usually 60+) than any other topic!

So I'm resurrecting this post and inviting comments from both young men about what attracts them to older women and from older women about how a younger man can find them and make contact. Are any of the online dating sites especially good to help younger/older connect?

Note: I am NOT matchmaking here, though many young men have begged me to post their email addresses. No, can't do that, folks. And guys, please don't ask me personally to hook up with you! That kind of request -- yes, I do get them -- feels creepy, and I won't even answer to tell you to stop it. Just stop it. And no, I don't need to know how big your penis is.

So, that said -- what do you younger men and older women want to ask or say? Please post a comment here. And please see other posts on this topic here.

Leopardy is a 22-year-old male in Australia who likes older women. He emailed this story to me:

I've had 2 women in my life (sexually only). Great fun, I must admit, but it tears you apart when the bad has to come up. I like older women for their maturity and for their gorgeous features, such as lips, hips, legs, and fragrance, mmmmmmm. I admit I find it rather hard to find the perfect older woman as they all tend to lead me on then shoot me off which hurts like hell.

I met a woman online back in 2004. After 3 months chatting I gave her my details and she came up here. We had sex, and then she really got abusive and threatened me with police threats etc. She told her so-called friends about me and said what a pathetic useless peice of shit I was.

I'd like to know how to approach older women. I just want a woman that can understand me, one that takes me for who I am and NOT degrade me in any way.

Thank you for been so supportive and having a wonderful site. I can't even recall how I got hold of your site, but I was amazed and immediately added it to my favourites.

Leopardy, I encourage you to get to know the older women who attract you before you jump into bed with them. Those who are looking for quick fun probably won't value you the way you want. It's fine to seek a match online, but if you seem to connect, please take some time dating and becoming friends so that you know who she is and she knows you.

That might mean you don't get the instant pleasure and excitement of sex with a stranger who seems to fit your fantasy, but if what you're looking for is a respectful relationship, that takes time to unfold and nurture.

That doesn't answer your question about how to approach older women. I'll repeat the suggestions I gave Sean:

1. Converse, listen (very important!), and flirt as you would with a woman of any age. Yes, she'll recognize the signs. She might be shy about letting you see her signs, in case she fears she's misreading yours, so keep her talking.

2. Don't rush things along -- she wants to know she interests you as a person, not just a potential bed partner.

3. Look into her eyes a lot. Really listen and respond to what she's saying.

4. Lean towards her to give the body signal that you're interested. Watch for these signs from her: eye contact; leaning towards you; arms relaxed (not crossed in front of chest); playing with hair, clothing, or jewelry.

5. After a nice, long conversation, where you feel there's a connection, you might ask her outright: "I wonder if there's any reason I should not ask you out."

6. If she says, "I'm old enough to be your mother," you can ask, "I really like the maturity and intelligence of older women. The question is, am I too young to interest you?"

7. If you're really brave, carry a copy of my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and carry it around. When she asks about the book, say something like, "I find older women very attractive, and I hope this book will help me understand them better -- in all ways."

I'd love to hear from readers about this topic. I know many readers come to my blog seeking information about older women/younger men relationships, so please contribute yours.

-- Joan

Becka, 70: 3 Men in Photo Finish for her Heart

Becka, our intrepid senior online dating reporter, has met several men now -- after rejecting far more. Three men seem to be in a photo finish for her heart, she tells us! Here's her latest report:

PHOTO FINISH -- PART 2
by Becka

I winnowed and winnowed trying to separate the wheat from the chaff and I didn't even know what chaff was until I read some of the self- descriptions guys put on dating sites. Leo wrote that he was looking for a “soulmate to love forever” and then mentioned that his dog had passed away and “no one can replace that void.” Next!

Alex, 5' 3” who makes less than $20,000 thought I should know that he “reads women's magazines to study the opposition.” Next!

Sammy carroled that he wanted “to be Gomez to your Morticia.” Next!

Here's the winner: said Donald of himself, “I am a smoker, earn under $12,000, drink a little, am passive and submissive and am looking for a woman who will finish the job my mother and sister started when I was a kid of turning me into a full female.” Neeeext!

You will learn an awful lot about yourself on this journey. Some things not so good; other things pretty damn good! I learned I liked a sense of humor but sometimes lacked one myself. It took a while for me to realize that Joe was joking when he wrote, “She must be breathing. If she's not breathing, the whole deal is off.” Joe became Date No. 1. He does make me laugh and helps me be less uptight.

I also learned I am more of a risk taker than I thought. When Bill would not give any additional information until I revealed something of myself, I complained. He wrote, “Aw, now, why wouldn't you want some mystery?” Bill became Date No. 2. We met the first time at a local diner and each of us wore something from Star Wars so we'd recognize the other. Okay, so now you know I'm a geek.

I like these men and intend to keep seeing them, but my favorite is Steve, Date No. 3. He is the one who offered to cook for me, massage my feet and “wander through the woods together armed only with a camera.” He suggested meeting at a hiking club event. I felt safe and knew I'd have a good time even if we didn't hit it off. Smart man!

There are fabulous times to be had with wonderful people! To pull this off you need two senses: “common” and “adventure.” “Sixth” doesn't hurt either. My three men are in a photo finish for my heart. My advice to you: get going!

Thank you, Becka, for sacrificing so much time in the pursuit of, uh, educating the rest of us! See Becka's other online dating reports here.

Becka, 70: meeting men on senior dating sites

Becka, our intrepid senior online dating reporter, sent us her evaluation of several online dating sites from the perspective of a senior woman seeking men. As always, her report is both informative and entertaining:

PHOTO FINISH -- PART 1
by Becka

Let me paraphrase an old rock n roller: What a short, strange trip it's been! A jolly, jarring, coo-coo, sweet time I've had meeting men on senior dating sites. From boffo to bozo, I've met them all – or so it seems. Too many men, too little time, not enough memory.

Eharmony probably has the best setup. They guide you through the process beautifully, with many options, and the vibes inherent in their name appear to attract a higher type of person, male and female. (That would be me, of course.) You will end up spending money unless you're very lucky -- and quick, because most of these dating sites are timed release sites. That means, they won't release you to a fuller experience unless you are on time with a payment.

AgeMatch is just what it says. If you want a younger man but will stop short of hanging out at the local high school, this is your website. To each his own. One 30-something accepted me with the succinct phrase, “You'll do.” I was supposed to be flattered. I was not.

On the other hand, a 20-something commented on my picture, “You look like a lovely fairy in the woods.” I was charmed. However, I couldn't be sure it wasn't a 10-year old using his dad's computer.

Surprisingly I got more responses here than I did anywhere else: 67. Sixty-seven men wanted an older woman. Wow. Tell Hollywood! This may be very hopeful to those of you desiring that younger flash and dash. Or maybe youth today is just more tired than we know.

A super-friendly site is seniorchatters. It's located in the UK, but don't let that stop you. Plenty of Americans have joined. You get the first two weeks free, which is a plus. You can find both friends and lovers on this site and I began an interesting communication with a woman who lives in Turkey. I thought it would be neat to correspond with someone who has an entirely different life from mine. Keeps your brain alive.

I did end up going out with three men from my area and each one was a lovely person. I'll share my experiences next time. Life is long and hectic, until you get to be a senior. Then you realize your mistake. It's actually short and lonely. Why don't they tell us? Don't wait!


Thank you, Becka, for sacrificing so much time in the pursuit of, uh, educating the rest of us! See Becka's other online dating reports here.

Roger, 32: how to talk to older woman on train?

Two years ago, Roger, age 32, took the subway to his job everyday. He was attracted to a woman he guessed to be in her fifties who took the same train. "We used to flirt," he writes me, "Which was easy to do on a crowded train with a lot of bumps and turns, especially when we stood/sat shoulder to shoulder."

They never spoke a word but always found themselves next to each other for the trip. "In such public places it was hard to approach and communicate and the attraction never went beyond that," he writes. "I'm sure we were both hesitant because of the age difference. Also, I was a virgin at the time and somewhat timid." (He has since had sex -- once! -- with a woman his age.)

Then he left that job and no longer took that train. However, two years later, he is working downtown again, and he writes:

The dance on the subway has once again begun. Aside from the physical attraction, we seem to have a genuine interest in each other and I feel like I'm mature enough for her. I'd like to get to know her, but I don't know how to gauge her interest in getting to know me.

Is she looking for a relationship? Am I? If we're both looking for mostly intimacy, is that ok? I'm concerned about being seen in public, but how do I know if she would also want to keep it discreet?

I know the first step is to talk to her, but I don't know how. Do I talk to her on the subway, or might that make her uncomfortable? Should I slip her a note? I only had sex with my girlfriend once and found it mediocre. I'll admit I'm very attracted to this woman and love the idea of her 'teaching me' but I'm worried that she's interested in much more and would think I just want sex. Any advice you can get will be greatly appreciated.

I don't think you could manage to find yourselves shoulder-to-shoulder every day on the way to work if she weren't as interested as you are. The way to talk to her is, well, simply to talk to her!

You could start by bringing up the coincidence that you're taking the same train again, two years after you "met." It almost doesn't matter what you say first, just talk to her. If you need an opening line, how about "It's the high point of my day when you're on the same train. You must work downtown, too."

One point you make is a red flag for me. You worry about being seen in public. Why ever would that be an issue? If you'd be ashamed or embarrassed to be seen with her, then please, for her sake, don't approach her at all.

It's one thing to hope for an intimate, no strings relationship where she "teaches" you -- a young man's fantasy that can come true! But it's another to be worrying about hiding the relationship before it even exists.

Roger, you seem like a very nice young man, but I don't think you can claim "maturity" as your best asset -- not because of your age, but because you're so shy about saying a word to this woman. Get to know her. Let her get to know you.

If she's interested in just taking you to bed and then switching trains and never seeing you again, she'll take that initiative. But if she'll find you interesting, funny, or sweet, then do open your mouth and let her know who you are.

Otherwise the years could roll by along with the train.

"im 19 looking for an older granny"

hey joan im 19 looking for an older granny that i can meet and have a relationship with.how can i do this

This is an actual email I received, similar to others, unfortunately. Instead of simply deleting it, I'm going to answer this question once and for all:

1. I don't know any sexually inclined women of our age who respond to being perceived as "an older granny."

2. We grew up being educated to use capital letters at the beginnings of sentences, names, and for the word "I." Not doing this makes you appear uneducated and/or in too much of a hurry to bother. If you're in that much of a rush that you can't press the shift key once in a while, think about what you're conveying to an older woman as the kind of sexual partner you'd be.

3. You may have found me by skimming my blog, but you obviously didn't read it carefully or you would have seen the "younger men older women" label, with several posts on this topic. Read them!

For younger men who have a serious and respectful interest in a relationship with an older woman who might be open to you, I'm going to reframe some points I've made before:

Get out and do the social activities you enjoy, where you'll meet women who enjoy the same activities. That way, it's easy to strart a conversation with a stranger because you already have something in common to talk about.

Once you spy a woman who attracts you, do NOT use the "Hey, you're hot and I love older women, wanna go to my place?" approach. Instead, open the conversation with comments on the activity you're sharing or ask her for advice, e.g., depending on where you are and what you're doing,

(Dance venue:) You're a really good dancer -- would you dance the next one with me?"

(Bookstore:) "Have you read any books by this author?"

(Gym:) "Your workout is obviously working for you -- you look terrific. Do you recommend the aerobics classes here?"

(She's reading a Kindle:) "Oh, you have a Kindle! Do you mind telling me how you like it?

(Park:) "How far does this trail go? Does it loop back or will I get hopelessly lost?"

And so on. I based these examples on activities I do, places I go, and comments that would get my attention and start a conversation. Of course you need to modify the topics by what you're doing. (I'm only covering face-to-face meetings here -- online meetings are entirely different.)

Most important advice of all: You may be hoping to share the sheets with an older woman, but you need to show her that you appreciate her as a person and value more than her genitals. You also need to show her that you're an interesting person yourself. Remember that her most vital sex organ is her brain, and you've got to make contact there first.

Becka, 70: Internet dating winks, flirts, and peeves

Becka, 70, the most active member of my senior online dating posse, has been trying to puzzle out the internet dating maze. Here's her third report:

Trying to decode the mystique of the internet dating scene is a little like being lost in the middle of a Dan Brown book. “What does it all mean?” you ask yourself – many times.

My first piece was titled “Wading Into the Senior Internet Dating Pool.” I erred. The experience is more like being thrown fully clothed into the deep end of your neighbor's pool which has not been cleaned for months!

I've discovered that these dating sites pad their numbers by keeping people on the rolls who have not visited in months, in some cases, years. They are, in effect, ghosts and will not, of course, respond to your inquiries.

Despite the ghosts, I have received a slew of responses. Some men who liked my profile responded right away and a day later sent me petulant “pokes” as to why I had not answered. Hold yer horses, buster! I've yet to figure out both the etiquette and the technology of this thing. But one thing I do know, I'm deleting the guy, age 65 who is looking for a woman 40-60!

Some of the choices you have for communicating are “icebreakers,” “winks” and “flirts.” I don't know about you, but I've never winked at a guy in my life unless he was under the age of 8. If you are 60 or older, chances are you will not be comfortable taking the aggressive role. Okay, go to your corners and come out flirting! Luckily for you, it's all anonymous. That makes you braver than you thought you'd ever be with men you don't know -- and might not want to know.

Some peeves:

• Senior Match encouraged me to fill out a personality form only to disclose that I could use it if I paid. I didn't like the subterfuge. But I'm finding out that if you don't like subterfuge, don't try internet dating.
• A number of guys had signed up with two different user names, so if you rejected them once, you get a second chance to reject them all over again.
• On all of the sites I found links that didn't work, windows you had to check but they didn't drop down for you, and pages that would not come up.
• On one site I could not choose my state and so I received a dozen interested queries, the closest being from a man 750 miles away.

But I soldiered on and learned some surprising things.

Thank you, Becka! Coming soon -- what did Becka learn?

Would you like to join our senior online dating posse and report on your internet dating experiences for the education and entertainment of our readers? Email me.

Note from Joan: I apologize for posting about a particular dating site's special free weekend offer recently. I don't know if the site was overloaded or what, but one reader reported that after spending forever filling out the long questionnaire, the site gave an error message. She wasn't about to start all over again, so she emailed customer service to find out if what she had done was saved so she could continue from there. She got a form email telling her to phone -- but no one manned the phones on the weekend, and the free offer would be over by the time the phones opened. She gave up and receives frequent solicitation emails from them now. I deleted my post about the site's free weekend, so don't bother looking for it. I'm not naming the site now because I don't know if this was one person's freak experience or that's what happened to many of you -- let me know.

Widow's personal story of "touch deprivation therapy"

Ellen Taft wrote me this moving email and gave me permission to publish it here:

I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done to help me get back out there again after losing my husband of 37 years in December of 2007. I’m 63 today, and it’s been a terrifying and exhilarating experience.

My husband died a year and a half ago. It had been over 40 years since I’d dated. Getting back out there has been a real trip! But I’ve done it, largely with the help from Joan’s book, Better than I Ever Expected, and her blog here with the wonderful information and links. The link to Judith Sills, and her book, Getting Naked Again, gave me the final push.

Sills suggested having a friend “mentor” your reentry into getting naked again. So that’s what I did. I asked a dear friend and fellow recent widower to help me in this tremendous step. We had been dating for a few months, very cautiously, as he is a more recent widower, and not ready for any new relationship, but this mentoring idea appealed to him.

We “negotiated” which means we clarified just what we were doing and why, so no one would be mislead. We shared our feelings about our bodies, what we needed the other to know, our limitations, and our fears.

I asked that we use condoms or get tested for STDs. It was an amazingly honest and open sharing, and I attribute the comfort level we experienced to our "negotiations." Once we knew these intimate details about each other, the concern and caring that followed made the whole experience positive.

I had done a lot of reading, too, including Michael Castleman’s Great Sex, also mentioned in Joan’s blog, and all my reading paid off.

It was a wonderful, amazing three hours. Neither one of us could believe how smoothly it all went. We both enjoyed it so much and were so relaxed we have continued the relationship. We call it "Touch Deprivation Therapy," and oh, how it helps!

Thank you, Ellen. I'm thrilled that you shared your experience with us and that my book recommendations helped you! (Read these and my other book reviews here.)

Aggressive prostate cancer treatment saved his life

Neil, age 74, who wrote his Personal View of Prostate Surgery and Sex here, wants to add this:

I hope I did not leave the impression that I am anti-physician. I do not want to imply that my caregivers were incompetent or uncaring. I certainly don't think anyone lied to me. I am blessed with a caring and extremely competent urologist who has given me nine years free of prostate cancer.

The urologist was aggressive in treatment. Tests were conducted well before my PSA even reached critical numbers. Normal range is 1 to 4 -- mine was a little over 2. The disease was caught early because of a very dedicated doctor.

My urologist routinely spends 12 to 14 hour days in the battle against cancer and has very little personal time. I am grateful for what was done for me. My physician, by the way, was not the person who gave the word that sex didn't matter after 55. That was a second opinion guy at another medical center.

I suppose the myths and lack of information come from two areas:
(1) The work load of dedicated health care professionals is unbelievable. When faced with a choice of saving life or providing sexuality education, I would want my doctor to first go after the cancer. I was very grateful my urologist did just that. I am here today because of this priority.
(2) While some counseling was given, my physician candidly stated that not much training was given in matters of sexuality. There simply was not enough time for everything. I believe that. As I have talked to other urologists, the story is the same. There is just not enough time to get everything into the program of study.

I am sure that we, as sex educators, have some responsibility to assist in making things better. Perhaps more of us will somehow find our way into relationships with medical school faculties. Hopefully, we can also raise awareness that would provide support to local medical groups as well. I would hope that we could be of assistance to the medical profession without getting in the way of their very important clinical work. I am sure that your book will also provide more information that can be placed in the hands of the health care community.

Above all, I want to leave the message for men to find a competent urologist and stay with their professional judgment. This stuff is nothing to mess with or take lightly. I prefer that we work hand in hand with health care professionals in the battle against cancer as well as the enhancement of sexuality.

Becka, 70, Gets Her First "Matches"

This guest blog is the second from Becka, a member of my online dating posse Enjoy Becka's online dating report, Part 2: (Read Part 1 here.)

I signed up on Match.com and was instantly overwhelmed. I saw nowhere to click for anything free. Loads of ads blared at me, so I left. Free is good. All the other sites I looked at offered choices that were free, and you could upgrade to a paying choice later if you wanted to. It feels like bait and switch when they ask if you want to see a photo, you click on “yes,” and they take you to a page where you are offered a chance to pay for it. Be patient, stand your ground. If you like the facts about someone and decide to communicate, the person him/herself will send you a photo.

I signed up feeling very broad-minded, so I said that I was interested in meeting men ages 40-90 anywhere in the world. I am 70. But I lied about that and subtracted a year because I figure a 6 was more attractive than a 7. So sue me.

But the joke was on me. I was immediately shown six “matches,” ranging in age from 47 to 82. Guess who I found the most interesting? Yup. Age 82, who lived “only” 2,751 miles from me.

Here's why I rejected the others, although some of you might find them appealing:

• Mike was a retired doctor who had no interests in anything other than things medical and golf. I hate golf.

• Robert said the most important thing in his life was his guru, whom he followed "passionately." Personally, I like a man who thinks for himself, plus I wondered would he have enough passion left over for me?

• Cal was military all the way and liked his bed made up with precision corners. Me, I like rumpled sheets, lots of pillows and an oversized, wildly colorful bedspread. Definitely not a match!

• Zeke was into fixing up his trailer.

• Allen I actually knew and thought he was a sleaze.

• Harry suddenly appeared – true! -- on the nightly news as a government employee who had been arrested for driving drunk. No thank you.

But I'm not discouraged. In fact, I'm about to send a response to Ian. He is retired, lives alone, has no family, is quiet, mild-mannered, unobtrusive and likes to fly. He is either Superman or a terrorist. So we'll see.

Thank you, Becka, for your entertaining report! Who else wants to contribute your senior online dating experiences? See my invitation here. -- Joan

Man, 300 pounds: Should I purchase a penis extender?

Mason, age 67, is 6 feet tall and weighs 300 pounds. His new wife is 4 ft.9 inches tall and weighs only 101 pounds. "I think you can picture the problem," Mason writes.

I have a LOT of belly fat all the way down to my penis area. When I was young I had about a 6 inch penis and weighed 200 and was able to please my wife in many ways. I have about 3 inches that is not covered by fat now but my belly keeps it from protruding long enough without hurting my wife.

When I make love I cannot be on top as I press too hard on her as well as the fat makes penetration not good at all. When she is on top, because of my fat she is having to hold on to my arms and it is like she is almost upside down trying to have sex.

She is a wonderful woman and does not complain but I know she is not enjoying sex the way she should and wants. She does have a climax but it is hard on her.

What I have in mind is purchasing a 3 inch penis extender that looks like a real penis and adding that to my penis to at least give me more length so I can penetrate without having to be on top of her.

Are you familiar with these extenders and do they work? Would they be hard to put on and will they stay on with the excitement of sex? I do not mind spending $40.00 for such a thing but do not wish to throw money away if they do not work.

Mason, have you asked your wife about this? Is this something she thinks she would enjoy? I don't suggest surprising her with a penis extender without discussing it with her. How about trying these options first:

1. Bring her to orgasm manually or orally, with or without the assistance of a vibrator, before you have intercourse. Then intercourse can be of shorter duration and not so taxing on her.

2. If she likes penetration but has difficulty with intercourse, incorporate a dildo into your love play before or instead of intercourse.

3. Have her try being on top facing backwards during intercourse, her hands braced on your legs. Try elevating your hips, making your belly fat will fall away from her. (Set up mirrors if you like to watch each other's faces.)

4. Consult your physician about what you can do to manage your weight. I'm not saying you could get back to your youthful weight of 200 pounds, but wouldn't it enhance your sex life as well as your health if you could shed, say, 50 pounds?

5. Most important, ask your wife what would make her happy. Show her these suggestions and a picture of the penis extender you're considering, if you think this would appeal to her. Have a loving discussion.

I hope these suggestions help. Would you let me know? I wish you and your wife much joy together.

-- Joan

Doug, 80: "8 penises on his hands"

Doug, a reader from the Philippines, wrote a comment that was so interesting and helpful that I'm excerpting it here so you won't miss what he said. Doug wrote,

I am 80 years young and have had ED (erectile dysfunction) all of my life. It has taken me a whole lifetime to come to the point of seeing sex but the tip of the relational iceberg.

Yes, I also know that we men are our penises and our penises are the man. This is a mental hang-up that we need to change.

Doug addresses a reader in an earlier post who wrote that her husband can no longer have erections and has given up on sex and communication. Doug says to this reader,

Until your husband can change the way that he sees his masculinity, he'll never really feel good about himself. He has eight penises on his hands and the best penis in his mouth. And that up close and personal penis can and does give my wife wonderful, body-shaking orgasms, one right after the other, that most penile intercourse cannot come close.

And best of all, my ego isn't lying on the ground of mental failure. It works for me and it can work for your hubby.

Doug, you've been most helpful to our readers here, and I thank you for sharing your perspective. Would you please contact me personally so I can invite you to be in my next book?