I love your emails -- most of the time

I love the thoughtful emails you write me. You share your experiences, opinions, questions, and reflections on aging and sexuality.

Often I write back asking for permission to post your comments here on this blog and/or in my upcoming book, so it would be handy if you could let me know in the first email if that's okay with you. I am always looking for ways to help others with the information I learn, and your emails often trigger a new topic or a new perspective on an older topic.

I also love seeing new comments pop up on this blog directly from you. (See these instructions for how to comment if this is new to you.) Your comments are valuable to my other readers as well as to me.

One kind of email I don't respond to, though, is the "you're hot, want to have sex or trade naked photos?" or the masturbatory fantasies that sometimes float into my inbox. I don't mean the spam that we all get and delete quickly -- I mean emails from people who demonstrate that they have read this blog, they like the discussions (especially about younger men/older women). It always surprises me that as seriously and respectfully as we talk about senior sex here, that still happens.

I guess it shouldn't surprise me. After all, if I'm discussing sexuality so openly -- even reviewing vibrators from a senior perspective, for goodness sake -- I can see how some readers might take that as an invitation to offer their services.

Robert used to tell me I was too trusting: I always believe people are sincere and doing the best they can to communicate unless someone proves otherwise in an obvious way. He used to worry about some of the emails I received. I just worry about whether I should answer them and explain why their approach will not help them find a relationship, or decline to answer.

Senior Sex: More than Erections

Here's something you don't know from the inner workings of this blog: Advertisers and promoters of erectile drugs and alternatives are always trying to promote their products via comments (usually totally off-topic) on my posts. I reject them so you never have to wonder if they're the answer to your prayers -- they're not. They want your business, pure and simple, and if they really wanted to help a man with ED, they'd talk him into going to his doctor and dianosing the cause of his erectile problems, rather than trying to sell him a product over the Internet.

I love your comments -- they're immensely valuable for my readers -- and I encourage you to post them (if you're not sure how that works, click here for easy, step-by-step directions. Just don't advertise THE solution for ED -- that's between you (or your partner) and your doctor.

Here's an excerpt from the chapter "When You or Your Partner Can't" from Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty on this subject:

According to the spam I receive in my e-mailbox daily, ED is the major concern of men, and an advertiser's dream. I am reminded of this guy joke that a male friend used to tell me:

Q: "What's the difference between fear and panic?"
A: "Fear is the first time you can't get it up twice. Panic is the second time you can't get it up once."

According to a 1994 study, sixty-seven percent of the men surveyed at age seventy experienced mild-to-severe ED. A partner's ED is an important challenge for some of women I interviewed, and I am grateful for their candor about sharing this intimate part of their lives. Many have found that sex can be satisfying when both partners communicate and seek creative and loving solutions, whatever the penis is or is not able to do...

Erectile dysfunction, not to minimize its importance, is only part of the picture. The sexual challenges of aging bodies go beyond penis problems.

The fact is that both partners may have health problems to deal with that affect sex. Arthritis, osteoporosis, heart disease, cancer--all of these impact our sex lives as well as our daily living. These and many other health problems require relationship adjustments including an extra dose of understanding from our partners. While health problems are certainly not the exclusive domain of genarians in the upper ranges, they occur with more frequency in older adults.

It's ironic, isn't it? We're at the prime time of life to enjoy sex. We know ourselves and our partners, the kids are long gone, we have more leisure time, we're less driven, our partners have learned how to satisfy us. What a cruel twist of fate that this is the time our bodies start acting up -- or down....

In the new book I'm working on -- I'm still welcoming your stories -- I'll have specific tips from medical experts and sex therapists about enjoying a satisfying sex life while living with ED (and other health challenges).*

*As you know if you've been following this blog, I put this book (and everything else) on hold while dealing with Robert's illness and death. I'll return to it soon -- it's my work and it was important to Robert as well.

Trying to comment?

I'm getting emails from people who would like to comment, but aren't sure what to do.

1. Click either "Comments" or "Post a Comment," whichever you see at the end of one of my posts.

2. Ignore "user name" and "password" (which only applies to people registered with Blogspot). Instead, check "other" and then type in the name you'd like to use, with your real age, if you don't mind. (No, you don't have to be over 60 to comment.)

3. "Word verification" : You'll see some weird characters and the instructions "Type the characters you see in the picture above." Do that. This prevents an automated comment inserter from spewing ads and worse at us. Only real human beings can read and replicate the characters on the screen.

4. "Preview" means you can see what you've written as it will appear, and you can edit it if it's not exactly to your liking.

5. Click "Publish" when you're happy with it and are ready to share it with the rest of us.

(If you'd rather, you can email me your comment and I'll post it for you.)

Thank you for doing this! I'd really like this blog to become a community of people talking about sex and aging!

-- Joan

P.S. If you have a website or a book related to the subject of this blog that you think we'd benefit from knowing about, feel free to include name or title and link with your comment. (No feeble excuses for blatent advertising, though, and no links to drugs or sites that I might consider questionable. If in doubt, ask me.)

"I Wish I Could Tell You..."

What do you wish your partner or present/ past/ future lover(s) understood about your sexual wishes, needs, turn-ons, turn-offs, and worries?

Let's get some serious stuff out in the open. Both women and men are invited to respond, and you don't have to be 60+ to join our community.

How to comment:
1. Click "post a comment."
2. If you're not registered with Blogspot (and you don't have to be), ignore the request for "user name" and password. Just check "other" INSTEAD of filling out "user name," and then type in the name you'd like to use, with your real age, if you don't mind. (e.g. "Joan, age 62")
3. Type the weird characters that you see below the sign-in. This is to prevent an automated comment inserter from infiltrating our community to leave ads or worse. Only real human beings can read and replicate the characters on the screen.

If you have trouble with this, or you'd like to comment but you don't feel like wading through the process, just email me your comment, first name, and age, and I'll post it for you.

Thank you!

Joan

Please contribute your comments!

I invite you to please comment, so that we get our community talking.

Nuts & bolts: If you are confused when confronted with "user name" and a password request, only fill out those boxes if you're registered with Blogspot. You don't have to be a registered Blogger to comment on this blog. Just check "other" INSTEAD of filling out "user name," and then type in the name you'd like to use, with your real age, if you don't mind. No, you don't have to be over 60 or a woman to comment.

The reason you're asked to type in the weird characters that you see below the sign-in is to prevent an automated comment inserter from infiltrating our community to leave ads or worse. Only real human beings can read and replicate the characters on the screen.

Please comment on any post that motivates you to voice your own thoughts or relay your own experiences. I look forward to hearing from you!

-- Joan