Disinformation: It's Not How Wrong You Are, It's How Wrong You Feel

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned the New York Times article about randodonearing radodaneuring riding really far, a number of readers were kind enough to point out that I made an error:

Anonymous said...

Snob,

I'm misreading either the NY Times article or your blog. I thought the NY Times writer turned arouind at mile 37 and finished the 74 mile (120 kilometer) ride. You seem to be saying the writer quit.

JUNE 6, 2011 4:11 PM

Indeed it looks like I did read the article wrong, though at least one reader was unduly smug about it:

Anonymous said...

Seconding the previous commenter who pointed out that you, um, didn't actually read or understand the NYT piece. Too proud to acknowledge your mistake?

June 6, 2011 9:53 PM

I can't stress enough that I have no pride whatsoever, and I readily acknowledge that I make mistakes on a daily (if not hourly) basis. These mistakes are not limited to cycling or reading comprehension either, and scarcely a day goes by in which I don't do something stupid such as brewing coffee without actually adding the coffee, or washing my bathtub with coffee instead of Ajax. Sure, it's foolish, but these are the sorts of mistakes you make when you're under the considerable stress of not really having all that much stress in your life.

Plus, in my defense, I was merely showing the "Spokes" people the same lack of consideration and circumspection they've shown me in the past.

Still, I agree a tearful apology is warranted, so here goes:

I have not been honest with myself, my family, my constituents, my friends, my supporters, and the media. I am deeply ashamed, etc. I don't believe that I did anything here that violates any law or violates my oath, yadayadayada. However, I do maintain that I was merely shaving my chest brushing my teeth when my BlackBerry accidentally snapped this picture and Tweeted it to certain members of my constituency:

Speaking of nudity and criticism, I was also taken to task yesterday for not mentioning the World Naked Bike Ride:

Mellow Yellow said...

how dare you not mention the naked ride of epic smugness, wetness, and triple rushing!

5pm East River Park at Delancey June 11

JUNE 6, 2011 11:32 AM

For this I do not apologize. Not only have I indeed mentioned the World Naked Bike Ride recently, but I also think it's totally "grody." In fact, I think it's so grody that I'm going to Sweden this coming weekend mostly so I won't have to bear witness to the body-painted denizens of smugness who will no doubt put our cycling goodwill account in New York City even further into the red. If everybody already hates us and tries to run us down when we're fully dressed, then nudity can only hurt. If exposing yourself were a good political move, they'd be talking about Anthony Weiner for President right now instead of debating whether or not he should resign.

Then again, even cycling while fully clothed can cause you to run afoul of people's uptight sensibilities. For example, your "muffin top" might enrage the local Hasidim (or any similar group of religious retrogrouches). Or, your fleshtone saddle could evoke a certain body part, as in this photo via the proprietor of the Old Ten Speed Gallery:

Actually, I "can't say with certitude" that it's even a saddle at all:

Anyway, between my inability to read simple New York Times articles and my lack of certitude as to the above rider's genderway, it's obvious that I'm clueless--though maybe not as clueless as the "hillbomber" guy I mentioned some time ago. He actually "curates" something of an advice column, wherein he dispenses misinformation such as this:



hey emi! you're an inspirational rider for me!
i wanted to ask something, what is the different between a clincher and a tubular and what does it affect when we're riding it?

Anonymous

Thank you so much! Tubular wheels are designed for Velodrome Riding and Clinchers are designed for road riding. Tubular tires are also a lot more dangerous to ride if not properly installed. Tubular uses clue for tube tire compo and clinchers use tubes that are separate from the tire. Tubular tires always uses a much higher psi.

Yikes! That is one multifaceted glittering rhinestone of wrong. This guy is to bicycle tires as Sarah Palin is to Paul Revere. Pretty much every sentence is misinformed:

Thank you so much! Tubular wheels are designed for Velodrome Riding and Clinchers are designed for road riding.

Right. Similarly, blue helmets are designed for velodrome riding, and white helmets are designed for road riding.

Tubular tires are also a lot more dangerous to ride if not properly installed.

Actually, I'd much rather ride an improperly installed tubular than an improperly installed clincher.

Tubular uses clue for tube tire compo and clinchers use tubes that are separate from the tire.

I don't even know what this means, I think he's saying you can compost tubulars.

Tubular tires always uses a much higher psi.

Absolutely. That's why they use tubulars for cyclocross and the cobbled classics.

I think this hillbomber should branch out and start a sex advice column too:

hey emi! you're an inspirational rider for me!

how are babies made?

Anonymous

Thank you so much! Mommy and daddy go in the bedroom and jump up and down on the bed while yelling at God. Daddy comes out with no pants and drinks a beer and nine months later a baby comes out of mommy's butt.

I think that pretty much covers the broad strokes. Maybe then he could also tell me what kind of tires to install on my Segway when I compete in the World Championship of Segway polo in Folsom, CA, of which I was informed by a reader:

Segway polo may seem absurd, but it's no more so than bike polo. After all, Segway poloists play a game fit for schoolchildren on ridiculous contraptions that cost thousands of dollars:

While bike poloists play a game fit for schoolchildren on ridiculous contraptions that cost thousands of dollars:


Plus, both [gigglechortle] "sports" lend themselves well to ironic tattooing:



That chimpanzee on a Segway looks oddly like a rear derailleur.

Anyway, given the similarities between bike polo and Segway polo, it would not surprise me if practitioners of the former begin to segue into the latter as they age. I also suspect a lot of samurai are already making the transition to road cycling, as evidenced by this Craigslist post forwarded by another reader:

Road Bike in trade wanted - $500 (Seattle)
Date: 2011-06-05, 8:04AM PDT
Reply to: [deleted]

I'm after a road bike in trade for a Paul Chen Golden Oriole Katana Samurai sword. A $ 700.00 value in like new condition.

Hopefully when he finds his bike he installs some of those samurai sword-like bottle cages.

Personally, I'd like to see a bicycle with a samurai sword cockpit, but short of that this example spotted by Back Alley Bikes might have to suffice:

I'm reasonably sure that's the setup an orangutan would wind up with after a session on a Serotta fit cycle.

Investment Opportunities: All You Haters Fund My Venture

Here in the United States of America (also known as Canada's gratuitous undercoating), today is Presidents Day. On this day, many Americans are free not to attend work so that we may instead take advantage of big, big savings on designer clothing, flat-screen TVs, new automobiles (make sure you get that undercoating!), and other costly items we might otherwise have had the sense to forego had we simply headed into the office. Most importantly, though, we celebrate the lives, work, and of course hair of Presidents Andrew Jackson, Martin Van Buren, and William Henry Harrison:

The administrations of these three Presidents spanned the years 1829 to 1841, a period which historians universally agree is the "Golden Age of Presidential Hair." From Jackson's powerful pompadour, to Van Buren's inspiring sideburn aurora, to Harrison's pointy forelock that prefigured the coiffure of Glenn Danzig by something like 140 years, this was an exciting time during which Presidents still understood the sense of authority that can only be conveyed by truly "epic" hair. Sadly, this Golden Age ended with the untimely death of President Harrison on his 32nd day in office due to complications from tetanus (Harrison insisted on being shaved by a rusty razor for purposes of "street cred"), and while there have since been some flashes of Presidential barbatorial brilliance (Abraham Lincoln's "chin strap," Grover Cleveland's walrus-like lip curtain) there has also never been a dynasty to rival the one we celebrate today.

Meanwhile, if you've accessed the Internet at any point this weekend, you may know that the big news in cyclesport is that some track racer guy got a gigantic splinter in his leg, and while I have been known to post affronts to good taste such as this I draw the line at medical "grodiness" and am therefore posting a censored version of the photo using images that convey the nature of his injuries without actually depicting them:

If you'd like to see the original, it is here, though even when obscured by a pizza pie and a body modification enthusiast who will never, ever hold a job you can plainly see that he lies supine like Jesus on the cross just before the Romans hoisted him into a vertical position. (And the Jews did "golf clap," according to the Gospel of Mel Gibson.) The real tragedy of this injury is that all the hipsters who pretend to like track racing are already agog at how "badass" it is, and you can expect them to start inserting slivers of wood through their own calves as the new must-have accessory to complement their "shants:"

"Oh, this old thing? Yeah, it's been there for years, never bothered to take it out."

Speaking of must-have accessories, on Friday I mentioned this seatpost clamp that is the latest in a seemingly endless procession of bicycle components and accessories that can also open beer:

Since them, I've been more vexed than perhaps it's reasonable to be by a small piece of aluminum--mostly because you'd think that if someone were to integrate a little bottle top-popping dingle into a seatpost clamp, they might at least orient it in such a way that you don't have to hold the bottle sideways and spill half your beer in order to use it:

I'd maybe possibly perhaps consider accepting an argument that this seatpost clamp is designed to use while the bicycle is lying down, except for the fact that the promotional video contains shot after shot of the opener being used with the bicycle standing up as beer spills everywhere:

This is the beer-opening equivalent of an iPhone banking "app" that costs you $35 every time you log into your account.

By the way, this brilliantly-executed seatpost clamp comes in two versions. The first one is the "Nectar:"

According to the copy, this is for people who like PBR--a brand of beer most commonly consumed out of a can.

The second version is the "Elixir:"

This one's for the "tweaker"--which, as I always understood it, is a person who is addicted to methamphetamine.

At this point you're probably saying, "So what? This is Canada's gratuitous undercarriage coating, the land of the gratuitous undercarriage coating. Sure, it's nearly impossible to screw up a bottle opener, and somehow these people have succeeded, but if some designers want to manufacture a little anodized dingle with a poorly-placed dongle on it then that's their Gid-goven right." Of course, I couldn't agree more--except that's not what's going on here. Actually, the dongle-curators want us to give them $15,000 before they'll make us a poorly-designed bottle opener:
Sadly, they're a good $14,000 short, and I'd offer them a bridge loan myself if my money wasn't all tied up in a brake lever-slash-pizza cutter that uses a pinball instead of a circular blade. Still, I'm confident some sort of "angel investor" will step in--perhaps a mystery benefactor who has a vested interest in lots of people riding around on bicycles with sideways bottle openers on them, like an alcoholic recumbent rider:

As you can see from this recumbent rider's-eye view (or, more accurately, recumbent rider's-beard view), a world filled with horizontal seatpost clamp bottle openers would mean that, for the 'bent rider, refreshment would always be just an arm's length away. This in turn would provide yet another source of recumbent rider smugness:

Of course a recumbent commute like this hinges on having access to an uninterrupted and completely car-free bike lane. I'd like to see him try that commute in New York City during rush hour.

Speaking of spurious projects needing funding, a reader recently alerted me to a film called "First Winter," in which a bunch of Brooklyn hipsters traipse around in the country with Golden Age of Presidential Hair-caliber beards and artisanal blunderbusses to the strains of lugubrious accordion music:


They also stare pensively into the horizon:


Apparently, "First Winter" is sort of a "minimalist hipster survival movie," which I'm guessing will be the next hot new "indie" genre:

***
The Premise:

In December 2012, a massive collapse of infrastructure leaves a group of Brooklyn yogis snowed-in at a country farmhouse without electricity, cell phone reception, or running water. With nothing to rely on but their wits, a couple of old books, and each other, they must survive the first winter off the grid.

***
The structural skeleton of First Winter is the procedural aspects of survival: chopping firewood, melting snow for water, hunting for food, etc; but the movie at core is really a spiritual exploration. As the distractions of modern of life are replaced by the routine simplicity of living off the land, the friends gradually evolve out of their neurotic fixations into a more quiet, contemplative state of being (of course, not all of them make it).

Obviously, this film is a metaphor for the hipster's first year in Williamsburg, the Mission District, or Portland after graduating from Bard, Sarah Lawrence, or Wesleyan, and the journey towards independence and self-sufficiency which they all undertake but ultimately never achieve. Also, there's ironic sledding--during which, I assume, somebody dies:

As for the technique being employed by the filmmakers:

The aesthetic approach is rigorously formalist; mirroring the inner journey of the characters, the film gradually evolves from frenetic jumpy handheld close up camera work at the beginning to slower, wider, more composed shots towards as the film progresses.

In other words, as the filmmakers continue to shoot the film they gradually figure out how their equipment is supposed to work.

In any case, I predict "First Winter" will be a huge success. Not only is this a perfect product placement opportunity for companies like Best Made Co. and Base Camp X, but the filmmakers have already exceeded their financial goals. In fact, they've received nearly enough backing to start their own bottle-opening seatpost clamp business:
That's gotta sting the "Swarm" guys.

Lastly, another reader has forwarded me what he claims is the "Greatest Craig's List Post Ever," and while this is debatable there's no doubt it's noteworthy:

old bike - $500 (hyattsville)
Date: 2011-02-17, 1:41PM EST

This is mankind's crowning technological achievement. If you are not someone who can appreciate a 35 pound steel beach cruiser with carbon tubular race wheels on it, don't waste my time. You are not cool enough to even thinking about riding this bike.

Please note that no brakes are provided. All braking power is derived from the user dragging a foot on the ground, or in an emergency, putting an old Silca frame pump into the spokes of the moving front wheel. Nor are the tubulars glued.

If you play bike polo, leave me alone. This bike shits out bike polo players on the daily.

Here is a list of places to ride this bike to: a liquor store, a riot, a hockey game.

A good bike lasts 3-5 years, EVIL NEVA DIES.


Not bad I guess, but it needs more bottle openers.

Wednesday on Tuesday: The System Shall Set You Free

Everybody's familiar with the expression, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." This is certainly true when it comes to money managers like Martin J. Erzinger, whose luxury automobile alone renders him nearly impervious to justice. All it takes is a simple phone call from a Pizza Hut parking lot for Mercedes roadside assistance to dispatch a forensics team that removes all traces of your victim's DNA from the vehicle's bumper and transfers it to a nearby Hyundai. Not only that, but a Mercedes will even wake you up if you fall asleep at the wheel, though this feature either doesn't work very well, or Erzinger is lying, or, even more likely, both:

Court records say prosecutors expressed skepticism to Milo at a suggestion by Erzinger's defense attorneys that Erzinger might have unknowingly suffered from sleep apnea, and that might have made him caused him to fall asleep at the wheel and hit Milo.

In any event, since we clearly can't beat Erzinger, we must join him instead, and as I was perusing this profile of him I had an idea:

While Erzinger isn't a very good driver, I have no doubt he's a talented money manager, which is why he manages $1 billion and has a "minimum net worth requirement" of $5 million:

Assets Under Management: $1 billion

Minimum Fee for Initial Meeting: None required

Minimum Net Worth Requirement: $5 million

Assuming there are 500,000 people who are very angry about this whole hit-and-run thing, all we'd have to do is put up $10 apiece, form some entity called something like "All You Haters Suck My Balls Enterprises," and then hire Erzinger to manage it for us. With his financial aplomb, I'm sure in five or ten years we'd have a vast fortune--certainly enough that buying a gaundy vehicle such as a Cadillac Escalade or a Lincoln Navigator would barely register as a blip on our financial statements.

Once we'd secured an appropriate corporate vehicle, then a duly appointed "All You Haters Suck My Balls Enterprises" officer would simply fire it up and then "accidentally" (but not-quite-fatally) run into Erzinger while he was playing golf.

While this may seem like primitive "eye for an eye" justice, the truth is it's far from it. The DA has dropped felony charges against Erzinger because such a charge would "have some pretty serious job implications" for him and "justice in this case includes restitution and the ability to pay it." (In other words, money is apparently justice, and the DA claims he wants Erzinger to be able to keep his job so he can pay Milo as much "justice" as possible.) Clearly then, the DA would also drop any felony charges against "All You Haters Suck My Balls Enterprises" for the same reason, reducing them to a misdemeanor count of "using an inappropriate driver on the green." This would insure that we would be able to pay restitution to Erzinger--who would consequently be further bolstered in his ability to pay restitution to Milo. In the end, everybody wins (though some of them will also permanently limp), and best of all it only cost us ten bucks to run some guy down.

Maybe the legal system isn't so broken after all.

Of course, the big question is this: "What should we do with all the extra money?" Certainly even after legal fees and restitution to the victim and repairs to the AYHSMBE Lincoln Navigator there would still be many millions of dollars left over. Well, ITTET, I would recommend being prudent and investing that money in gold and/or Chris King headsets. Sure, it's not as much fun as cashing out and buying a ski house in Vail where you can kill and maim with impunity, but at the very least I'm sure AYHSMBE would be able to pay its shareholders handsome quarterly dividends in the form of wheels of finest horsehair:

Now that's a horse of a different colorway. When I wrote about Cyclocross 2.0 awhile back, I knew things were getting expensive, but even I never dreamed that cyclocross would involve this sort of exotica or that horsehair would become the next crabon weave--though I don't mean to be a "neigh"sayer, since I'm sure these wheels will look absolutely fabulous with your Rapha mink stole-and-muff set.

Actually, what I'd like to know is what happens to the rest of the equine, and I can't help wondering if horse steaks will soon be sizzling on those Coleman PerfectFlows. If so, I'm sure the more serious Cyclocross 2.0ers will be fretting about how much they can have. Fortunately, the good people at BikeRadar have also provided this handy conversion chart:

Calorie Counting

To get your portion sizes right you need to know how many calories you’re using.

1 Determine your base metabolic rate (BMR). Men: BMR = 66 + (6.23 x weight in lb) + (12.7 x height in inches) – (6.8 x age in years). Women: BMR = 655 + (4.35 x weight in lb) + (4.7 x height in inches) – (4.7 x age in years).

2 Multiply your BMR by the level of activity closest to what you do. Sedentary (little or no exercise): BMR x 1.2. Lightly active (light exercise/sports 1-3 days a week): BMR x 1.375. Moderately active (moderate exercise/ sports 3-5 days a week): BMR x 1.55. Very active (hard exercise/sports 6-7 days a week): BMR x 1.725. Extra active (very hard exercise/sports every day and physical job): BMR x 1.9.

I have no idea what any of that means.

Speaking of training advice, I was stunned when a reader emailed me recently and asked me for some--though it wasn't exactly the sort of thing you'd ask Chris Carmichael:

I'm a first year racer and after racing road this past summer I'm now on to cross. I'm not the fastest, but overall I'm pretty pleased with my results, but now I'm looking to improve some of my finishes. To do this I have gotten more consistent with my training, and I've seemed to feel a Little improvement. I do have one area of my fitness I'm not so sure of. I'm pretty much a daily pot smoker, not a full on stoner but a couple bowls a day without any tobacco of any kind. Does this significantly affect my VO2 max? Pot can't be as bad as tobacco right? How much would quiting affect my fitness (even though I know I won't)?

Now, this may peg me as a "square" or "narc," but I'd say that being "a daily pot smoker" who consumes a "couple bowls a day" is pretty much the definition of "full on stoner." Is it possible to smoke more pot? Yes. Does smoking a couple bowls a day every day mean you're pretty much stoned all the time anyway? Also yes.

This is not to say I begrudge his lifestyle choice. Similarly, I do not begrudge the lifestyle choice of the anal-retentive bike racer, either. However, they're also mutually exclusive, and for most people there's not much to grapple with since choosing one tends to conveniently eliminate the other. You may have heard the old saying: "Strong, light, cheap: pick two." Similarly, when it comes to the "Wednesday Weed" and bike racing, a good rule of thumb is: "Smoking pot all day, winning bike races: pick one." The truth is that it's almost impossible to successfully be two totally different things at once--this sweet bicycle which was forwarded to me by a reader being a notable exception:

Rat Bike - $40 (Sun Prairie)
Date: 2010-11-08, 10:48AM CST
Reply to: [deleted]

Get some street cred with this bad boy. Tribute to old school west coast motorcycles. Still has functional shifters, 3 rings up front and 7 in back. Front shock. Rear brakes. If you see this bike chained up it is for your protection, not to keep it from being stolen! $40 obo.

In any case, I explained to the aspiring racer that it really doesn't matter anyway, since he's consuming a banned substance on a daily basis so any results he gets are technically invalid, which I think like totally blew his mind.

Of course, while the "Wednesday Weed" may not produce bike racing results, it can produce some florid poetry, which I suspect may be the case here:

You have a weak handshake. - w4m - 206 (The impossible address. )
Date: 2010-11-09, 1:15AM EST

I stood in your garden,
I was wearing your t-shirt with no pants on,
my legs exposed to that below average summer night.
I could see the goosebumps running down the length of your forearms,
you seemed to have something on your mind.

I saw your eyes shifting towards my legs,
bruised and cut from a recent bike accident.
"C'est quoi ça?"
You pointed at some specific scars,
still fresh and raw.

"C'est rien!"
You put your shoulder around me,
I started crying.
"Pourquoi?"
You asked while trying to see my tears.

Those scars are still raw,
even months after not spending time with you.
You were everything in a man I could want,
but,
I wasn't your woman.

Speaking of pantslessness and of horsehair (as I was earlier), it remains to be seen whether the trend will trickle down to the "fixie" scene, though one reader has forwarded me the following Craigslist post which indicates that they may be more interested in clear coats made from a shot of ejaculate:

Fixed gear wheelset, Origin8 SS bike, carbon fiber cranks, track bars (Neenah)
Date: 2010-11-07, 10:14AM CST
Reply to: [deleted]

I have a set of EighthInch Tessa wheels that are ready to bolt on and go. Comes with matching EighthInch cog(16T) and lockring already installed and CST white tires and tubes. The hubs and spokes are black and non-machined gold rims. These wheels are spotless and spin true. Normally these run $140 and then $35 for the cog and lockring and $40 for the tubes and tires. All for a whooping $150!

EighthInch gold trackbars. These are brand new never been mounted. I was going to strip the gold anodizing but I just want chrome track bars instead. $20

FSA Pro Team Issue carbon crankset with bottom bracket. These had the decals removed and have some scratches and whatnot from everyday riding but are still in great working condition. With a light sanding and a shot of come clear coat these would look brand new. The bottom bracket is sealed bearing 68mm English threaded(ISO) Shimano unit purchased this past summer from Cranked. $75

Origin8 Cutler single speed bike. I used this as my around town bike with my son. This normally runs $240 from Cranked. 700c wheelset with a freewheel. $150

I've got more stuff like cranks, road bars, aero brake levers, frames...etc. Everything is located in Neenah. Trades welcomed also.

If you ever walk into one of those track bike boutiques and an employee says, "Here, let me clear coat that for you," you should probably refuse.

Heat-Addled: Cooler Heads Will Prevail

Obviously an essential part of life in New York City is incessant complaining, and while we may seem unhappy the truth is we find this mode of discourse comforting. Really, it's less a way of expressing displeasure and more a form of familiar address. A Texan might greet a neighbor with a friendly "Howdy!" or a Hawaiian might offer a heartfelt "Aloha!" (at least according to what I've seen on TV, which is the extent of most of my cultural knowledge), but here in New York we simply exchange pained expressions and announce, "It's hot as balls out there!" And it is hot as balls, too--so hot that pedestrians are wearing minimal clothing:

(If she had "balls," you'd see them.)

Also, the saxophonists have been forced to practice outside under the shade of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway:

So evocative of summer was the sound that I was moved to capture it briefly on video:



Yes, summer in New York City consists almost entirely of women in revealing clothing walking lazily about to the sultry accompaniment of incidental saxophone music. In fact, it's exactly like the video for Glenn Frey's "You Belong to the City:"

As trendy a place as New York City can be, on a certain level it is eternally 1985 here.

But New Yorkers aren't the only people who like to complain; so too do Tour de France riders. Indeed, hot (as balls) on the wheel of the controversial Jens Voigt cobble-kvetch comes this bike-dropping, helmet-throwing freakout from Mark Cavendish, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

I am not conversant in the language of the headline, nor could I be bothered to translate it with the aid of a popular search engine, but I choose to interpret it as "Wild Cavendish goes with bike and helm." While I can certainly understand his frustration after having missed out on victory in Stage 4, he should also keep in mind that throwing a helmet around is not a good way to deal with anger. Not only is it unsportsmanlike, but he's also liable to hit somebody in the "kunstbox."

Speaking of sportsmen, you may recall that I expressed a cynical opinion about a designer ax (or "axe," if you're an excess vowel enthusiast) marketed by the "Best Made Company." Inasmuch as it is a symbol of outsized, Bunyanesque pretension, I admit I have become fascinated with it in the same way I can't seem to stop watching that Glenn Frey video. However, I now realize I may have been a bit harsh on this product, for while "Best Made Company" might obtain the ax(e) from a "secret source in Maine," they take great pains to carefully place it in a box all by themselves:

PACKING TIME from Peter Buchanan-Smith on Vimeo.

Ordinarily one would have to purchase a cured meat gift box to experience packaging this lavish, so when you factor in the high cost of artisanal salami this alone makes it worth the price. In today's world, it's important to remember that packaging is important--sometimes even more important than what's inside the packaging. If you've ever given your dog a toy only to watch him totally disregard it and start humping the box, then you have just some idea of the power a well-designed package can have on humans as well. Also, red twine is involved, and you even get a certificate of authenticity that confirms it's "genuine," (which should come as a relief if you've ever opened a box containing a make-believe ax(e)):

I was particularly intrigued by the use of the word "issued," and the Best Made Company's certificate of (in)authenticity may indeed be a Rosetta Stone for my finally completely understanding the language of design. So far, I already knew that "colorway" means "color," and that "curate" means "to assemble, source, or slap together." Now, I also know that "issue" means "repackage or rebrand." Armed with this knowledge like a woodsman with a brand-new ax(e), I am pleased to report I have finally "curated" the Pretentious Order of Operations, which is as follows: first, you establish the "Colorway;" then, you "Curate" the product; and finally, you "Issue" it. The acronym for the Pretentious Order of Operations is of course "CCI," which is much easier to remember than PEMDAS.

Of course, I'm not a woodsman, nor do I have any meaningful wood-chopping experience, so it may be unfair for me to be critical of this product (even if it is just this ax with a colorful handle, a salami box, and an ersatz pedigree, as one reader suggests). Furthermore, if there really is a demand for pretty axes out there then I certainly can't indict this person for filling it, as much as the idea that such a demand exists may sicken me. Really for all I know, it is the greatest designer ax(e) ever CCId, and regardless of price I would wager that it at least does what it is supposed to do in the unlikely event that it is actually pressed into service (which is to chop wood). Unfortunately, not all designer bicycles do what they're supposed to do (which is convey a rider), and another reader has forwarded me these bicycle "sculptures" made of "DuPont™ Corian®," which I guess is the carbon fribé of unrideable bikes:

Indeed, by "deconstructing the conventional elements of this traditional, environmentally-friendly vehicle," (or at least producing a computer rendering, since apparently designers don't even have to make anything anymore) he's done something the "fixerati" have been trying to do for years, which is render the bicycle completely useless:

It seems to me that if you like the way bicycles look and you admire their "environmental friendliness," then you might as well skip the sculpture and just keep an actual, rideable bicycle in the house. That way, you could look at it and ride it. Otherwise, it's sort of like having a decorative blender in your kitchen, or an unflushable toilet in your bathroom. Then again, I'm also one of those wrongheaded people who think you don't need a box and a certificate of authenticity for your ax(e), and that if you're cold you should throw on a shirt. However, the designer of the bicycle sculpture, Karim Rashid, feels differently.

Incidentally, the reader who forwarded me this also pointed out that Karim Rashid has "not bought a book, magazine, or paper in 5 years." This would explain why he's a bit out of the loop, and I feel it incumbent upon myself to tell him that we're all wearing shirts again, and that gratuitous tattoo displays went out of style when "Frasier" was still on the air.

In an age of pedigree axes and unrideable bikes, the absurd ingenuity you'll find on Craigslist seems quaint and charming in comparison. Consider this bicycle featuring a zip-tied chainring, which was forwarded to me by yet another reader:


Fixed Gear/ Fixie - $350 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Date: 2010-07-07, 10:38PM PDT
Reply to: [Deleted]

$350 OBO! TALK TO ME ABOUT TRADES!

Hi, im selling a pretty new Windsor: The Hour bike. Only have had it for a month. There are a couple of scratches on the top tube, but it is purely COSMETIC, will not affect riding whatsoever.

ONE PROBLEM
As you can see in the picture, i have lost 3 chainring bolts because they fell out due to lack of tightness. I have used zip-ties as a replacement, (even two on one hole) and to be honest, it REALLY works. I am not just saying that to sell my bike, the zip-ties are VERY strong, and the chainring will not come off. (I have mashed down hills with it, and have felt no type of difficulty/problem.) You can pull all you want on the chainring, it will not fall off.

Please contact 415-573-[deleted] for quick replies. Text/call it. $350 obo. Talk to me about trades. Will be able to pick up and ride away.

Frame: Windsor The Hour; 49CM
Fork: 1 1/8
Crankset: Anodized 48t
BottomBracket: Sealed Cartridge 103mm
Pedals: Wellgo; Will include stock pedals. (Toe Clip/ Strap included on stock pedals, not on the Wellgo pedals which are installed on the bike)
Chain: KMC Z410 1/2 x 1/8
Hubs: Formula
Wheels: 32H Aero Track Double Wall (Stable wheels, true, run smooth,)
Tires: Front; Kenda 700x23c Back; Vittoria Marathon 700x28c (VEEEERY VEEERY Thick Tire! Will last a long time)
Stem: Dimension; Will include stock stem.
Saddle: SL Turbo Style Racing
Gear Ratio: 48/16

Tags: leader, iro, fuji, volume cutter, deep velocity, b43, deep v, h+ son, chukker, nitto, sugino, pake, fixie, fixed gear, track frame, aerospoke, hed 3, thrasher,


I'm intrigued, and I'm glad he's open to trades. In fact, I've got a spraypainted ax(e) I'd like to offer him. Sure, the head is duct-taped to the handle, but it also comes with a certificate of authenticity. You can chop all the wood you want--I guarantee the head won't come off.

Severing Attachments: Easy Come, Easy Go

(Nonplussed investors react to the plummeting value of their PistaDex futures.)

In today's fast-paced world of flying cars, lunar colonies, and entire meals in pill form, things have a much shorter shelf life than they used to "back in the day." (Actually, we don't even have shelves anymore thanks to that new "hovercabinet" technology.) Consequently, while it used to take at least decades to grow nostalgic about something, the entire emergence/disappearance/nostalgia cycle now only takes a few years. Consider the Bianchi Pista, which until recently was a byword for fashionable urban cycling but is now merely a reminder of days gone by. A reader has forwarded me this Craigslist posting, which neatly sums it all up:

Bianchi Pista Track Bike Fixed Gear - $400 (Chapel Hill)
Date: 2010-03-21, 10:31PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

This is the best bike that I have ever owned. I love this bike. We've had some great times together. When we (the bike and I) ran over that cute roller blader on the west side highway near battery park and had to tow her to her apartment because her leg wouldn't work. How about the many scotch inflicted drunken bike rides back to brooklyn after playing hoops and going out uptown with my bros. Pulling a Fred Flintstone when our chain would come off on the backside of the manhattan bridge. From all the scratches from the kryptonite chains to all the near fatal encounters when running the red lights this bike is a part of me. If I had the cash I would bury it next to me when I die. But, I don't and that's why it has to go. It's a circa 2000 model. All Black. Chrome Moly Forks. No brakes. There are holes for brakes if you want to add them but DON'T YOU DARE. I Guess it's got a flip flop hub. I've never flipped it. Or flopped it for that matter. Ohhh somebody shoot me now. Lots of battle scars on the frame. Thanks for looking.

Note that the seller's tales take place in New York but he is located in Chapel Hill, NC. Clearly what's happening now is that the "fixters" of yesteryear (or at least yestermonth) are retiring down south, where they reminisce fondly about their fixed-gear exploits over early bird specials. These early retirements will be even easier going forward, thanks to the "hipster" component of the new health care bill. Not only can Americans remain on their parents' health insurance plans until they're 26 now, but they're also eligible for Medicaid at 30, which leaves only four years without a safety net. So, assuming you manage to survive your brakeless and chainless Manhattan Bridge descents for a few years, then you, Nobr Akes, and the rest of your crew can while away your remaining years playing ironic shuffleboard--provided of course you can sell your "whip" to fund your lifestyle change.

Of course, early "hipster" retirement isn't the only reason to sell your Pista; sometimes your wife puts her "foot down:"

bianchi pista - $650 (soundview)
Date: 2010-03-20, 10:36AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

2006 pista chromo lite - mint all new components (sram crank, sugino chainring 48t, velocity celeste wheelset, ultegra front brake, origin8 stashbar, profile design stem, 16t cog and 16t freewheel gear, specialized bg jett 130 seat, mks chrome chain). wife put her foot down, trimming the herd. 917 439 [deleted].

I'm guessing what probably happened is that this couple were discussing their finances. Like many people, they had invested heavily in Pistas during the mid-Aughts bubble. However, as we all know, the fixed-gear freestyle sport fad coupled with the flooding of the entry-level fixie market caused the Pista to decrease in value. Consequently, when the couple went to check their on their portfolio, they were rather nonplussed:

"I'm very concerned about this."

"We're so fucked."

Clearly it was time to "thin the herd," but how to decide which bicycle to sell? Well, why not a game of "footdown?" So, they started trackstanding right there in the living room, and after three days the wife finally put her foot down first, meaning he got to keep the one with the Aerospokes but he'd sell the one with the "celeste" rims.

But even if you're glad to see that the Pista's heyday is finally over, who among us does not have at least a few fond feelings for his humble bicycle? In a sense, this was the bike that brought urban cycling into the Internet age--the first bike to be discovered (Youtube, Fixedgeargallery), bought, sold, and traded (Craigslist) by aspiring cyclists entirely online. Speaking of the Internet, another reader sent me an article from the New York Times. Basically, it's a roundup of books about how digital media is harming our intellectual culture (which is kind of like saying the advent of derailleur gears harmed cycling or the invention of the refrigerator harmed our ability to store food), but the astute reader who forwarded it to me noticed an interesting phrase:

Digital insiders like Mr. Lanier and Paulina Borsook, the author of the book “Cyberselfish,” have noted the easily distracted, adolescent quality of much of cyberculture. Ms. Borsook describes tech-heads as having “an angry adolescent view of all authority as the Pig Parent,” writing that even older digerati want to think of themselves as “having an Inner Bike Messenger.”

First of all, I disagree that people are "easily distracted" now. Rather, I maintain that thanks to the Internet we no longer have to waste time on stuff that sucks. If you were, say, into "underground" music in the pre-Internet 1980s, you might sit through an entire episode of "Headbangers Ball" on MTV just to see this one video. That's like an hour of the most inane music imaginable interspersed with the yammering of some vacuous host wearing a motorcycle jacket and a thick layer of flammable lacquer on his hair. The reason people don't do that anymore is not because they're less patient; it's because you'd be an idiot to do that when you don't have to. You find the video immediately, watch it, and then get on with your day.

More important, though, is the phrase "Inner Bike Messenger." With this, the author is actually on to something. However, you don't have to be a member of the "digerati" to have an Inner Bike Messenger (or IBS--which is not to be confused with Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Rather, I believe we all have one. I know I do, and I'm certainly not one of the "digerati" (though I am arguably a member of the "doucherati"). Your Inner Bike Messenger is sort of a spirit animal who shepherds you through your day, but it takes introspection and meditation to get in touch with this guide. It was only after a long period spent in seclusion that I was able to see my own, but now he is there for me whenever I call upon him:

Admittedly, I was rather taken aback at first, but now I can't imagine life without him.

I will concede, however, that digital media and the Internet has facilitated the craven act of ripping other people off. Consider this bicycle which was spotted by a reader at Taipei Cycle:

Clearly, this "epic" crabon fribé über-hybrid is a brazen--and failed--attempt to replicate the magnificence that is the World's Greatest Madone:

Speaking of Madones, Lance Armstrong and The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company recently bestowed a considerably lesser Madone upon French President Nicolas Sarkozy:

Trek clearly spared no expense on this lavish gift, for in addition to a custom Gallic "couleur manière," wheels of crabon fribé, and top-of-the-line SRAM Rouge group, it also features a main désincarnée:

We may never know for sure whose body is attached to that hand, but one thing's for certain: Sarkozy loves his new bike. Reportedly, it never leaves his side, and he even takes it en vacance:

(Open Marriage: Sarkozy, Bruni, and the bike enjoy a ménage à trois)

Meanwhile, in the Craigslist universe, yet another reader informs me that disembodied hands are now passé and that the "sellerati" have moved on to disembodied feet:

Here is the ad in which the disembodied feet were feetured:

Want to trade - front flat black aerospoke
Date: 2010-03-18, 10:13PM PDT
Reply to: [deleted]

i want to trade my front great condition front aerospoke painted flat black spins true as day no cracks 700c
for
-other carbon rims 700c clincher
-700c wheelset laced to phils
- aero seatpost 27.2 + 1inch wing carbon aero bars
- rear rim laced to a fixed chub hub
each of these offers are open to cash on top, depending on the item
as well as on my part if you got one of these things that you know if worth more then just an aerospoke
maybe we can work somthing out

i dont mean to sound like a jerk but
DO NOT TEXT ME IF YOU DONT HAVE SOMTHING LISTED ABOVE
IM SORRY IM JUST NOT INTERESTED

shoot me a text
let me know what you got
805 813 [delete]

IF I DON'T REPLY IM NOT INTERESTED
this post has been up for a while and im tired of hassling with with people who heckle me with stuff i dont want

His tone may seem a bit brusque, but when you've got a sweet flat back Aerospoke that spins "true as day" and you want to trade it for a newer, trendier wheel, then the "schmuckerati" tend to come out of the proverbial woodwork. As for the feet, there's no telling to whom they're attached. Some might think they're simply those of the seller, but I prefer to believe they're attached to a scantily-cad lady doing sit-ups and using a piece of wood freshly hewn by a "fakerjack" to secure her feet:

The truth is, disembodied hands and feet can teach us a valuable lesson about humanity, which is that our assumptions are often wrong and that snap judgements are dangerous. Consider this hand, which I photographed yesterday as it held an aerosol spraycan to a graffitied doorway:

One might assume that it is connected to a graffiti "artist" clad in the latest streetwear:

However, it was actually attached to this gentleman, clad in the latest schtetlwear:

Anyway, I came back a few hours later, and I'm pleased to report that his finished piece was stunning:

That's Yiddish for "All You Haters Suck My Balls."