Droppin' the "H": Hooking, Hucking, and Hucksters

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned flesh hooks in cyclocross (I've dictated a lot of weird phrases to my helper monkey and typist Vito in my time, and "flesh hooks in cyclocross" may be among the strangest), a commenter by the name of "Bunny" made the following observation:

Bunny said...

Maybe worth mentioning that it was a Halloween race. Everyone was in costume.

Is it really worth mentioning though? I'm not so sure. It would seem to me that there's a tremendous difference between putting on some make-up or a fright wig or dressing up as Angela from "Who's the Boss?" and actually putting hooks through your flesh. Don't get me wrong--this is America (Canada's sanitary napkin), and if someone wants to pierce themselves like George Costanza baiting a hook with marble rye than by Lob he or she should be able to do so. Still, I would argue that such behavior falls outside the purview of a simple Halloween costume in that I hardly this is something somebody would do for the first time on a whim in the spirit of the season. Nobody says, "Hmmm, I think I'll be a fakir for Halloween and tow my friend around at a cyclocross race," raids his roommate's tackle box, and puts a bunch of fish hooks through his skin. Clearly this is an experienced flesh hooker, and the fact that it happened on Halloween doesn't make it a costume, just as pleasuring yourself during a Jewish holiday doesn't make "foffing off" a mitzvah.

Then again, I admit I don't have the most objective view of Halloween, since I suffer from holiday depression. For some people, holiday depression strikes during Christmas, or New Year's Eve, or even Hanukkah (referred to among holiday depression sufferers as the "Eight Days of Misery"). However, I have no problem whatsoever with these holidays, and in fact during that time I'm generally at my most ebullient--you're likely to find me standing knee-deep in Egg Nogg wearing nothing but a Christmas Sweater while singing Kwanzaa carols and lighting a Menorah in the manner of Gene Simmons. I've even been known to hang some holiday-themed art:

In case you don't get the reference, it has something to do with this.

Halloween, on the other hand, fills me with sadness. I'm not talking about children's Halloween, which is a fun time for make-believe, imagination, and a little bit of sanctioned mischief. I'm talking about adult Halloween, which is a creepy day of over-sharing during which people outwardly manifest their sublimated desires and dashed hopes in costume form, as articulated (albeit nasally and shrilly) in that Dead Kennedys song. When I see a young child joyously trick-or-treating and delighting in the wondrous spookiness of the season, I try not to think that in 25 years she could be rolling around in the Oregon mud at a cyclocross race with a bunch of hooks in her back hoping people will look at her.

Another "hot topic" among commenters recently has been the subject of "Cat 6," or commuter, "racing"--and more specifically, whether or not it is appropriate. Personally, I happen to be against it, though I should say that I have nothing whatsoever against commuting vigorously in order to get a workout or even against using other commuters as "mechanical rabbits"--just so long as this is done safely and responsibly and the "mechanical rabbit's" personal space is not encroached upon. Similarly, there's nothing wrong with appreciating the physical attributes of a fellow commuter from afar in a discreet fashion, but there's a point at which it goes too far--usually well before you find yourself dry-humping complete strangers on the subway. And actively wheelsucking or cutting people off on the Williamsburg Bridge is the dry-humping of bicycle commuting.

Still, I'd like very much to organize mock victory celebrations on the apex of the Williamsburg Bridge like the ones in this video which came to me from Stevil Kinevil via the "Treehugger" site:

I think a "Maillot Douche" jersey ceremony complete with scantily-clad podium hipsters would be the way to go.

And speaking of commuting, a reader from Germany recently alerted me to the future of bike locking:

Given the popularity of the "Hipster High Lock," I think it's safe to say that if such a device ever actually made it into production you'd soon find one poking out of the rear pocket of every "fixie" rider in cycledom.

In any case, the key is to temper your behavior with some self-awareness and a bit of perspective. This can help you realize when you're behaving inconsiderably--or, if you prefer, "douchey." Similarly, I realize that much of the time I behave like a persnickety fusspot, and that my expectation that we all obey the same rules is a bit unrealistic. After all, if everybody followed the rules then we wouldn't have Danny MacAskill videos:



Since that last Danny MacAskill video it would appear that he went and got himself a PR team since I've been receiving numerous press release-type emails concerning the one above, and when press releases tell me to mention something you'd better believe I listen! Afer all, Danny MacAskill's bike-handling skills are so impressive he has officially become the World's Most Agile Scotsman, a title previously held by this man:



Given his worldwide fame, I think Danny MacAskill's next video should be more international in scope, and I'd like to see him do an "edit" where he rides all of the world's holiest sites. For example, I'd love to see him in Jerusalem "hucking" his bike off of the Wailing Wall and onto the Dome of the Rock. On the downside, he'd have a fatwa on him in about nine seconds; on the upside, Fatwa=Massive Street Cred. Then, after that, he and Salman Rushdie could "drop" a "collabo" of some kind. They could call it "The Bike-Tastic Verses."

Speaking of worldviews, a reader recently forwarded me the following Craigslist post:

How to Buy a Used Surly Steamroller Fixie 56cm - $550 (mission district)
Date: 2010-11-16, 9:04AM PST
Reply to: [deleted]

It's kind of a right of passage to ride a fixie on the streets of the mission. You're either hip or your not, and there's something about dudes who ride bikes with wheels that don't spin that's just so attractive to the ladies. One of the simplest, and possibly coolest, fixed gear bicycles you can buy is the Surly Steamroller, and lucky for you, I'm selling mine. It's not very old, originally purchased new in May 2010. I'm only selling it because I'm done riding for the season, and planning on relocating somewhere else in the next few months -- the bike can't come, because all I bring with me is a backpack. That's where you come in: it's time for you to embrace a fixed gear bike for the first time, or maybe you need an upgrade?

The frame is a 56cm -- it's a Surly Steamroller Cream complete, so you can find the parts list here on Surly's website. http://surlybikes.com/bikes/steamroller_complete/

There are two brakes, so if you're afraid of dying in traffic like I am, you can stop the bike before you die.

There is very little wear, but the logos are starting to peel a little from the frame. You can probably remove the Surly logos entirely for a better look, with some soaking and a sponge.

Asking $550, cash only. Original price was $750. Located in the mission at 24th and Bryant. My schedule is pretty open, but drop me an email to see if it's still available. I imagine this will go kind of quick.

My first thought upon reading this was, "Wow, the guy selling that Surly sounds like a total douche." My second thought was, "Hey, that Surly looks familiar." In fact, I'm fairly certain it belongs to the "57 things" minimalist guy, since I saw it in his apartment in that CBS Evening News Report:

Sure, it's just a stock Surly Steamroller, but the pedals are the giveaway--that and the smug part about how "all I bring with me is a backpack." To confirm, I visited his weird minimalist-meets-get-rich-quick site, but all I found was this:

How does it feel to delete the photos of your ex-boyfriend?

How does it feel to sell the house you’ve lived in for the last 26 years?

How does it feel to drop your TV off your roof?

How does it feel to move to the other side of the country?

How does it feel to not have a home at all?

How does it feel to swap out bacon egg and cheeses for breakfast fruit?

How does it feel to make $27 (or $2,300?) of location-independent income?

You'll notice that "How does it feel to sell your barely-ridden fixie?" is conspicuously absent from that list, but that may be because it's still languishing on Craigslist. In the meantime, I suppose he can console himself by being overly smug about the fact that he got dumped and that he eats fruit for breakfast. I will say though that if he's never sold a fixie on Craigslist he may have no idea what he's in for, and if he can't handle a few negative comments on his blog then the barrage of inane questions like "Hoe much does it way?" and "Can I take the breaks off?" are liable to destroy him.

In the meantime, I'll be waiting on tenterhooks to see if it moves--or, failing that, flesh hooks.

The Indignity of Bike Month: (What's So Funny 'Bout) Cleats, Love and Understanding?

If you're a cyclist, you may also be a fan of professional cycling, in which case you're no doubt following the Giro d'Italia. (It's like kind of like the Tour de France, only there are different jersey "colorways" for the various classifications, and it seems kind of like it was directed by Federico Fellini since it gets pretty "bawdy.") For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the Giro and its rich, saucy, and delicious history, I have gone through the considerable trouble of posting a handy "FAQ" on my Universal Sports Giro d'Italia-themed blogular presence. These easily digestible factoids should serve as handy conversation-starters the next time you find yourself around the kinds of people who get way too excited about "vintage" Cinellis, wine, and Rapha. In the interest of taste, I did leave out the question "What's pink, hairless, and starts with the letter 'V'?," but if you really must know you can click here for the surprisingly safe-for-work answer.

Speaking of sports that are very popular internationally but only embraced by a small yet passionate number of Americans, "celebressenger" Austin Horse (also known as that guy who raced a Mercedes) is leading a ride this Saturday from Manhattan to the Red Bull Arena in Harrison, NJ, where you can watch The New York Red Bulls play professional "soccer" (that's what we call "football" in America, since we have our own kind of football that involves more man-on-man humping) against the Seattle Sounders, who are named after the 1970 novel of the same name, written by William H. Armstrong:

This actually sounds like a very enjoyable way to spend a Saturday afternoon if you're a soccer fan, which is why I am sharing it with you. I, however, am not a soccer fan (I only like watching people kick balls when it's done for cheap laughs) so I will not be attending. (I will instead be attempting to cultivate a pretentious appreciation for the sport of cricket, which I will then bore people with at social events and ultimately play ironically in Williamsburg's McCarren Park.) By the way, true to the "woosie option" law I mentioned yesterday, there are two course options on the Red Bull Arena ride, though I assume Austin Horse will not lead both of them--unless he is either extremely fast, or omnipresent.

Incidentally, Austin Horse is also a sometimes-Outlier clothing model (yes, today's messengers wear $180 pants), which I mention only as a gratuitous segue (not to be confused with a "gratuitous segway") to this picture I recently noticed on the Outlier site:

"Yep, just taking my fixie to the beach." I've long wondered why the "fixerati" persist in taping only the upper portion of their bars (or, as I call it, the "dog's erection" taping style). This picture, though, may finally have answered my question--it must be seasonal, and they do it so that their bars match their legs. To test this theory, I'll have to wait until autumn and see if full bar taping returns with full-length pants.

Speaking of leaving things uncovered, I unintentionally seem to have touched off a helmet debate with yesterday's post. Alas, I should not be surprised, since helmet debates are like erections--sometimes dormant, but always ready to pop up at even the slightest provocation. Consequently, any mention of helmets on the Internet is the equivalent of an inadvertent "nipple slip," and then people start pitching "pants tents" in the comments. I shan't (not to be confused with "shant") continue to "flan the fames" of this debate, but I do feel I should clarify that my intention was not to call into question the efficacy of helmets. It was only to say that I think the way the writer of the Globe article posthumously castigated someone who has died a horrible death was extremely distasteful--especially considering the circumstances. I've since heard from a number of people who, unlike the writer of the article, actually know what happened. As a commenter yesterday pointed out:

Anonymous said...

The city may claim not to know the cause of the Boston accident, but as someone who saw it happen, a helmet would NOT have helped. Dude got hit bike tire stuck in the train tracks (which run right in the road), bus came flying around the corner and annihilated him as he tried to get loose. He really wasn't doing anything reckless.

May 11, 2010 4:53 PM

Says the Globe writer, "A helmetless rider is an arrogant rider." But what do you call a rider whose wheel is stuck in some train tracks? Perhaps the writer should publish another article about how we're all arrogant and irresponsible for not commuting on full-suspension 29ers. I'm sure he won't, though, since he's undoubtedly moved on in search of more deaths over which to gloat.

Anyway, there is new evidence that the risks of brakeless riding far outweigh those of helmetless riding. Moreover, even wearing a helmet will do nothing to mitigate this risk. A reader has sent me the following post from a fixed-gear forum somewhere, and I'm sure you'll agree that it is nothing short of revelatory:

o... this mite be too much info for you guys but i went to the doctor and have some info that i should probly share since you guys ride fixed.

i went to the dr. for stomache issues (gas pains and constupation) it has been happening since i started riding and i think it is from riding brakeless. he asked what my activities were and about my diet. after explaiing how to ride fixed and how you dont need brakes because you are basically one with the bike/road and lock up your legs to slow or how you can pedal backwards, but not like the bikes you ride when you were kids etc... he said it is causing too much straining on my insides and that is why im having trouble going to the bathroom. he said that over the long term it will could cause me to get pollups(?) which are what cause cancer. ass cancer is definitely not worth it. USE YOUR BRAKES!

This link between brakeless riding and "ass cancer" is the medical breakthrough that every worried parent of a budding "fixter" has been waiting for--in fact, it would not surprise me in the least to learn that the poster is at the center of a vast parental conspiracy. One likely scenario is that they've been slipping Immodium in his food and colluding with his doctor on this highly spurious diagnosis. (I'm a staunch brake advocate, but even I refuse to believe brakelessness causes cancer. This is even more of a stretch than when the PMRC tried to blame popular music for teen suicide.) Alternately, it could be that this was actually posted by a worried parent posing as a fixed-gear rider. In any case, until it's published in the New England Journal of Medicine or the Lancet, I'm going to stick to my assertion that the best reason to use a brake is to keep from crashing into stuff.

Meanwhile, we're not even halfway through "Bike Month" and, frankly, I don't know how much more of this I can take. Really, it seems as though the "mainstream media" is only interested in using it to play up the eternal (as in eternally tedious) "drivers vs. cyclists" debate. Here's another example which a number of people brought to my attention:

Sure, "sharing the road" is an important issue, but between these articles and the various interviews I've done recently it seems like the only way anybody seems able to frame any discussion of cycling is in terms of "drivers vs. cyclists," or "cars vs. bikes." Have we as Americans officially reached the point where we are no longer able to understand anything unless it is presented to us as a war, or as some "epic" struggle between the forces of good and evil? Is nobody aware of the fundamental irony that many of us drive and cycle and walk and use public transit and fly? (Notice I did not mention Amtrak--you'd have to be insane to travel that way.) Is it that hard to confront the fact that the real enemy is not the mode of transport but the idiot operating it? Do people become similarly heated over issues like "whisks vs. hand mixers?" Can I hope to one day live in a world in which people respect each-other's humanity, and in which the helmeted driver of a convertible car waves to the helmetless Dutch bike rider, and the motorcyclist embraces the Rollerblader, and the hang-glider salutes the boater, and the newspapers of America stop fighting their inevitable death by trolling for comments in the form of recycled "car vs. bike" stories, and the sun shines on shared roads, and we all join together to feast on the "epic" burrito of compassion, and joy, and mutual respect, and, as Don Cornelius used to say, love, peace and soul?

Almost assuredly, the answer to these questions are: Yes; No; Yes; Probably; and Fuck No.

In the meantime, it would behoove all of us ("behoove" means something that causes you to grow hooves) to remember the true spirit of "Bike Month," which is, of course, all about health, respect, safety, fanny-packs, and gigantic "Fred" rides. After all, as cyclists our lives are not a renewable resource--unless you shop at Jenson USA, in which case, as a reader informs me, you can buy a brand-new cyclist for $279.99:

Unfortunately, though, it turns out this was something of a bait-and-switch, since I tried to buy the cyclist for my helper monkey, Vito, and it turned out he was actually not only $9,999.99 but also unavailable:

In the end, I wound up buying a house-branded one from the secret website. He's somewhat "Fredly," made by Tektro, and only cost me $39.99 after I entered the coupon code "bikedork."

Of course, if you've just bought a brand-new cyclist on the Internet, you're going to want to accessorize him, and the first thing you should do is get him some shoes. As it happens, you can get some pretty sweet deals on Craigslist right now. In fact, the proprietor of "Keirin Culture" informs me that some sellers are even including "clits:"


Cannondale not for you? Another reader informs me the seller also has Shimano:

Just keep in mind that there are different kinds of clits--the SPD clit is small and recessed, whereas the Look type is large, red, and sort of triangular. Generally, mountain bikers have the former, whereas roadies tend to have the latter. Indeed, you can learn a lot about cyclists from checking out their clits.

Cycleanalysis: Buy Two and Call Me in the Morning

As we saw yesterday, cycling can be difficult--so much so that people are now hiring "street riding" coaches to teach them how to ride their bikes non-competitively. However, sometimes even having someone hold your hand while you ride around town isn't enough. For example, what if you don't have a bicycle in the first place because the process of obtaining one is too daunting?

Personally, I believe that if you want a bicycle but don't have one and don't know what kind you should get that you should just get any bicycle. That might mean rummaging around in some relative's basement, or buying the cheapest used bike you can find, or going into your LBS and letting them recommend something you can afford. Then, once you ride the thing around for awhile you'll learn pretty quickly what works for you and what doesn't and you can change your equipment accordingly.

Of course, in today's fast-paced, fast-food, abbreviated-texting, processed-cheese, and hyphen-abusing world, few people have the time and patience to enjoy the laterally stiff, vertically compliant, and totally edifying ride of a good old fashioned learning curve. Instead, they expect to buy knowledge and experience like accessories. One would-be entrepreneur knows this all too well, and since there's not yet an eHarmony for bikes, he's gone ahead and hung out a shingle as "The Bike Shrink:"



Looking for bike advice? Talk to the Bike Shrink (Union Square)
Date: 2009-08-18, 3:43PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

The Bike Shrink is ready to talk to you about anything and everything that’s on your mind about buying a bike. I’m an impartial (though highly opinionated) third party who is not affiliated with any bike shop or manufacturer. I do not sell gear. All I do is help people talk through their bike issues so they find the bike that’s perfect for them.

For more about what I do and how I might be able to help you, visit:

http://thebikeshrink.blogspot.com/

Thanks!

The Bike Shrink

I was immediately skeptical when I saw this, since taking cycling advice from a person on a tall bike is like taking psychiatric advice from a person dressed as Napoleon or learning table manners from an Australian. Still, I was intrigued, and so I visited his site:

You've got to admit that ITTET this is a clever ploy. By claiming to "mitigate any bike shop B.S." by giving you his own B.S. first for the low, low price of $29.99 (plus tax, mind you, since I'm sure he plans to report this income to the IRS) he's essentially found a way of charging for something that's usually free. This is sort of like paying someone to bottle his tap water for you. Not only that, but by filling clueless people's heads with all sort of "knowledge" before they even set foot in the bike shop he's potentially creating legions of nightmare customers. Anybody who's ever worked in retail knows that the best customers are the ones who know everything and the ones who know nothing, and the absolute worst customers are the ones who think they know something because they read some article or someone marginally less clueless than they are gave them some stupid advice. If customers are fish, he's contaminating them with mercury before they reach the fisherman downstream. Essentially, he's a pre-emptive bullshit artist.

You might wonder then why somebody so knowledgeable about bicycles, so passionate about dispensing advice and helping people purchase them, and so skeptical of "bike shop B.S." doesn't just go to work in a bike shop himself and become the next Sheldon Brown. Well, I can't say for sure, but it is possible that it's for the same reason the crystal healer doesn't work in a hospital, which is that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Or maybe I'm wrong and he does know what he's talking about; moreover, his knowledge could be so profound that he couldn't possibly work in a bike shop because he transcends bike shops, and instead sits beneath a Tree of Enlightenment with a laptop granting bits of wisdom to all who PayPal him. I guess there's no way to know for sure without paying $29.99 for a 30-day session--or paying $69.99 for a 90 day session:

If you're looking for a bicycle and still haven't purchased something after 90 days then you should just give up and buy a Segway. I guess this is why I could never be a "bike shrink." There aren't too many people who would pay 70 bucks to hear that. Anyway, if you're curious feel free to give him a try. After all, there's a "money-back guarantee:"

What if he doesn't answer your third email? Is that a loophole?

I wonder if the Bike Shrink also offers "advanced curation." For example, let's say you want an accessorized, color-coordinated singlespeed Bianchi, you're willing to pay way too much money for it, but you don't want to be yet another Pista-palper. Perhaps then the Bike Shrink would advise you to buy something like this:




Custom Bianchi MUSS S/S MTB - $1500 (Queens Blvd/63rd Drive)
Date: 2009-08-18, 8:35PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

I hate to part with this bike but I have one to many and I need some room! Up for sale I have a Bianchi Muss 08 brand new condition the only thing stock on this bike is the frame and brakes frame size is 17.5 So where do I start The wheels I had custom built with Paul hubs laced on a pair of Velocity VXC disc rims with Specialized Armadillo tires next we have Profile cranks with bottom bracket and a hop up bolt kit with a Profile spider web chain ring and clear orange pedals, it also has a Chris King headset ,Salsa Fork, Ritchey stem with 2" riser bar w/ brace and Avid curve brake levers, Thompson seat post and San Marco ERA saddle w/ titanium rails and finally a Surly flask w/a titanium bracket. Everything on this bike is brand new there are no scratches or dents on this bike it's in mint condition. Please call me at 917-602-[deleted]



I feel the same way about mountain bikes with slick tires as I do about people who ride without shirts. While there's nothing really wrong with it, it still offends me. Of course, a lot depends on the circumstances. For example, if you ride your mountain bike offroad most of the time but occasionally need to throw some slicks on it (like to win a road race) I can certainly understand. Similarly, shirtless riding is perfectly acceptable if it's done at the beach. However, riding shirtless in the middle of the city during peak commuting hours is completely unacceptable:


Now that it's August in New York City shirtless riding abounds. Fixed-gear riders, triathletes, and even wan hipsters on old crappy 10 speeds are all baring their sweaty torsos to the world. Perhaps most vexing are people who ride shirtless but still wear bags, like this person I saw recently riding one of those DKNY orange bikes:



I wonder what the Bike Shrink would say about men who ride shirtless. Would he applaud their lack of inhibition, or would he deride their disregard for propriety and the manner in which they foist their hairy nipples on the rest of society? Granted, sometimes we cyclists place far too much emphasis on our clothing, but I think most of us can agree that you should wear clothes--at least most of the time. Still, I do admit that clothing can occasionally create competition where it might otherwise not exist. Take people who ride in street clothes and get really excited when they pass other people wearing lycra:

I'm all for wearing whatever you want, and she certainly looks good on the bike (if a bit sweaty--perhaps she should go shirtless?), but let's take a look at who she "owned:"


Something tells me that the guy in the electric blue skeleton jersey wasn't exactly "throwing down." Just because someone is wearing lycra does not mean they are a racer. Similarly, just because someone has a sleeveless shirt, a bag over their shoulder, and a singlespeed bicycle does not mean they're a messenger or hardcore urban cyclist:

Still, I totally "owned" her.

Even so, competing with strangers while commuting or during recreational rides is a bit ridiculous--especially when you're competing against completely different types of riders on completely different bicycles. Speaking of which, I was wondering what kind of bicycle would be the complete opposite of the Strida pictured above, and I think it very well might be this Softride Xtracycle, spotted by a reader:

By the way, the saddle seems awfully far away from the bars. Perhaps it's also the opposite of a recumbent. And speaking of opposites, the same reader also spotted this RMBL, or Reverse-Mounted Brake Lever:

As fixed-gear riders continue to grip their handlebars directly next to the stem for maximum knuckle tattoo legibility, such brake lever mounting is rapidly becoming the norm. Also increasingly normal is locking the hell out of your Brooks:


As well as not locking your wheels at all:


Looks like another stolen Dura Ace hub post in the making:


Either that, or perhaps the members of the "bike culture" in New York City have all agreed to leave their wheels unlocked as part of an extensive wheel-sharing program. That way, if you get a flat on your way to work and don't have time to fix it you can simply grab one from the nearest bicycle and swap it with your own. Either that, or nobody's worried about having their wheels stolen since all they need to do is have the Bike Shrink find them a suitable replacement, like this "sleeper wheel:"





Vuelta Pista Rear Track Wheel-BRAND NEW - $100
Date: 2009-08-18, 9:19PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Brand new. Have no use for it. I used the front wheel of the wheelset on my bike. Comes with two cogs, 15t and 16t with lockrings on each side. Great/sleeper wheel for any type of riding except for tricking, you need something stronger for that. Bladed spokes (Oh So Aero), machined braking surface, stickers come off easy. I've never ridden on it, was gonna keep as a spare but I've got a Phil+Open Pro on my ride which has a while before it dies. $100 FIRM, don't low ball me. I need Time ATAC pedals, so if you have some used ones that are still tight (good enough for brakeless riding) I will take as partial trade.

I don't know what makes this a "sleeper wheel," but I do know that if you buy it you should leave that plastic axle cap on, since I have a feeling that doing so is going to be the next big thing. At least that's what this Republic/Urban Outfitters bike I spotted recently would indicate:


In an age when mail order singlespeed bikes from clothing retailers are the new department store bikes, it stands to reason that plastic axle caps will soon become the new pie plate.

Menace to Propriety: Sharing the Road

In yesterday's post, I mentioned an enraged woman who was buzzed by either an "asshat" or a person wearing an asshat. Sadly, we may never get to hear the asshat's side of the story--though if he was wearing lycra and riding fast on a road bike in Prospect Park at midday (instead of in the early morning when actual sanctioned road races take place) then we can probably infer that he's a "Classic Fred." (As opposed to a "Nü-Fred," in which case he would have been doing the same thing on an IRO with really long bullhorns while wearing a skateboard helmet and a Kryptonite lock around his waist.) Still, it's impossible to know whether or not he'd be contrite. Generally, "Classic Freds" do not admit wrongdoing, and instead prefer to shout "On your left!" to children on training wheels and parents pushing strollers as their baggy Primal jerseys flutter imperially in the breeze. However, some menaces do feel remorse--so much so that they seek absolution in the online confessional that is the Craigslist "Missed Connections." Here's one example:



woman i knocked over on bianci 5th ave 13st - m4w
Date: 2009-08-08, 10:16AM EDT

i hope you see this or tell someone your story who reads this and tells you. i am still feeling very bad and sorry for almost running you over today on 5th ave by 13th street and making you fall over on your bike. I didnt see you but thats no excuse it was totally my fault and you were so sweet and nice about it which makes me feel worse. you had every right to curse me out or slap me and you just stayed posative and nice. Please if you find anything wrong with your bike just let me know i will pay whatever cost to fix it or at least let me make it up to you somehow.

I'm not sure what the poster almost ran over the cyclist with but I'm assuming it was a car. Also, without even looking at her bike I can tell that there is something wrong with it, since it's in dire need of an "h." However, not all menacing drivers are praising cyclists for their "posativity." In fact, some people think cyclists are the real menace:


This searing letter to the editors of the Kennebec Journal and/or Morning Sentinel is nothing short of of incendiary, and the author's anger is both palpable and rubbable. Indeed, she's so enraged that she actually says joggers and cyclists are as big a problem as Canadian tourists. (I believe that last week the Kennebec Journal published another letter entitled "Canadian Tourists are Eroding Our Moral Fiber and Possibly Eating Our Children.") This is because joggers and cyclists not only cause "passing traffic to gawk at them," but also because they cause drivers to "turn out for them."

Ordinarily a letter like this might make me angry, but in this case it just seems quaint in a New Englandy kind of way. First of all, if people in this part of Maine are gawking at joggers and cyclists to the point that it's making them late to work then they're obviously pretty naive. (Presumably they're also gawking at Canadians, though if I saw one eating a small child I suppose I'd gawk too.) Speaking of naiveté, take this headline, which ran right next to the letter:

Now there's a shocker.

Also noteworthy was the accusation that joggers and cyclists are causing drivers to "turn out for them." Now, I always thought that "turning out" was what a pimp did when he put a woman to work for him--even Wikipedia agrees. So when the author of the letter says that joggers and cyclists make drivers "turn out for them" does this mean that they're actually driving the members of this community to lives of prostitution? If they are then I guess she has a right to be upset. One morning your neighbors are driving to work, then they see someone wantonly running in a pair of Sauconys or wearing a Primal jersey and riding a Trek 1000, and next thing you know they're in the parking lot of a Dunkin' Donuts selling handjobs to Canadian tourists. Certainly then "curating" a sternly-worded letter to the editors of the Kennebec Journal is in order, lest the place turn into some degenerate cesspool of sex, Canadians, and fitness.

Still, she should think "posatively" and be thankful that she doesn't live in New York City. Another reader recently informed me of a photography project called "A Girl's Bike."

If you're the sort of person who is liable to be driven to gawking and prostitution by cyclists then the streets of New York should be sufficient to turn you into a character from "Dolemite."

Most importantly, the letter writer should also learn how to "Share The Road," as recommended by what may very well be the most contradictory licenseplateway ever minted by any one of the 50-ish United States:

The reader to whom this belongs assures me that it is not a vanity plate and that the letters were in fact randomly generated by the state of Oregon. Still, I'm sure you'll agree that the fact that an Oregonian license plate actually depicts a bicycle with a derailleur is top-shelf irony. Actually, derailleurs seem to be vanishing everywhere. Just a few years ago, it was difficult to find a frame with horizontal dropouts or track ends. Now, it seems like everywhere you look--whether it's your LBS, eBay, or Craigslist--someone's trying to sell you a track bike. Really, finding a frame that will accept a derailleur is almost as hard as finding a seller who will accept low balls:

Honestly, I don't understand why the seller is making such a big deal. If someone wants to buy the frame, what difference does it make how low their "pants yabbies" may hang? High and tight, low and pendulous, or completely nonexistent--none of these qualities should have any bearing on the transaction. In fairness to the seller, though, it's possible he's had problems in the past with buyers returning the frame for inadequate testicular clearance. However, to them I say "caveat emptor." (That's retail-pretentious for "All You Buyers Mind Your Balls.") Plus, they can always install a top tube pad:

I haven't been seeing quite as many top tube pads recently and was beginning to think they'd gone the way of the flop-and-chop, so I was pleased (and by "pleased" I mean "horrified") to find that they're still not only readily available but also highly customizable. This particular top tube paddery assures you that one of these things will make your bike "protected and fanciful" and that they are not "just for the 'hipsters'"--despite the fact that being "protected and fanciful" is what hipsterism is all about. Plus, if this bike doesn't belong to a hipster then I'll eat a Brooks saddle:

Ugly! pads are $20, with a $3 upcharge for "Hella Ugly!" and a $1.50 premium for a "lock loop." (Presumably the lock loop will foil top tube pad thieves, who are notorious for both their velcro expertise and their complete inability to operate scissors.) However, if this is too expensive for you, you can also purchase one for $12 from Republic Bike--just in case your Urban Outfitters special isn't already colorful enough:


Or, you can just try to purchase this "one of a kind" fixed-gear which was forwarded by a reader, and which features a leather top tube pad and random sterling silver bits to augment the crappy parts:


This should make a nice gap bike while you wait for your Aurumania.

Speaking of balls, not too long ago I read in VeloNews that basketball player Deron Williams would compete against Floyd Landis in a time trial:

I was amused to note that Landis would "school Williams on the intricacies of a time trial," and I wondered if that schooling would involve demonstrating the proper application of a testosterone patch to the scrotum. Well, apparently not, because the competition took place this past Friday, and it turns out it was Williams who actually "schooled" Landis. Here's Williams in "Classic Fred" attire:


Even though Williams had a head start, Landis's loss should ensure that his name continues to be followed by the word "Ouch" long after he leaves his current team:

Really, the only way for Landis to redeem himself for this loss would be if Williams were to now test "posative" for performance-enhancing drugs. Well, that, or if Shaquille O'Neal were to also beat Lance Armstrong in their own upcoming novelty race. This way there would be headlines reading "Shaq Shucks Schlepping Shacker" and everyone would forget about Landis due to all the awful puns. Ouch.