Er………It’s ….not Lesbian if it is three girls or more………..

My friend ICE is not speaking to me and it is her own fault…….. ok well I did bite her……….and yes I did bite her hard and deep….. but ……. it has now stopped bleeding ………..hasn’t it? ……….. and I am sure the bite marks will fade away in a few days!

But it is her own fault!!! ………………….. you can not do that to a fellow girl and not expect to get bitten ……..she was only bleeding ……….. I was the one rolling around the floor naked while trying to pour a glass of cold water between my legs!

It all started because of the maid party……………. Er …….we have vampire maids as I said before…….undead …..Turned human girls…………… Ex Sex pets to male Vamps …………. Males with their pick up line of…………… .

”if you sleep with me I will make you immortal”………………..

 

Sooooo corny…………. They will just do anything to get a girl into bed! ……and sleeping with your lunch I think is a bit perverted if you ask me!

Anyway it is the maid’s party and it usually goes on for about 3 days ……first it is cake and balloons ….. Sometimes even a juggling act……………….. Then it is followed by all night dancing ………………….. by the second day as the last balloon has been playfully popped by the Males …the orgy starts and it is a free for all as the Male vampires …….The Males who I may say are shattered by spending hours trying to speed the start of the orgy by helping pop three thousand balloons! Fall on them on mass …………. Yuck and so messy to clean up afterwards.

Anyway Bambi my maid looked fantastic in her short black dress without bra or panties………yes I know ……..but what can one say it is her day off…………

All maids look fantastic as they were all once sex pets for the males so it is quite intimidation to see so many gorgeous girls heading to the orgy…….that is why Ice and her sister were having a sleepover with me and no it is not lesbian if it is three girls or more …..er ……..well ………….  I googled it to make sure.

The Maids have all remembered what their Moms had said about how to walk sexy ……….you know….…..one foot in front of the other as if you were wearing a pencil skirt so that was it makes your butt wobble from side to side in a firm and attractive way……….. You do not …and I say not ever ….walk with your legs apart as if you are still wearing diapers!!!!

Well because we are all left maid less we team up for sleepovers and that is why ICE is not speaking to me.

Did you know of the most painful things to have done to a male or female?

Well males can say it is being struck in their naked butt with a pitch fork by the farmer as they were trying to explain to the farmer’s daughter how immortality is obtained.

No the truth is and no male will own up to this and that is getting their Dick stuck in the zip of their trousers …..by ………er zipping up in too much of a hurry!.... any girl who has got material trapped in a zip knows the problem of having to use a pair of scissors to free the zip……..well it seems that guys for some unknown reason are very reluctant to free themselves with the simple help of scissors …no they prefer the bend forward and pray for Devine help ……… and you can often hear them call out to god in a very load voice ………..often followed by lots of swear words……….

I do believe that this was why some religions added the rule of circumcision into their membership.  ……………………

Now for girls …..well we are told ….childbirth is the most painful thing to happen to us…………… er………...not true………….. Hormones, drugs and a couple of bottles of celebratory champagne soon takes the memory of the pain away………..

No…………… it is what ICE did to me!.........that was the most painful thing a girl could to another girl………!!!!!!!!

It was all because I had told everyone about my great expanse of personal rainforest…………..  (pubic hair) that ICE and her sister said they would lend a hand to help me with this problem………..  Foolishly I agreed.

I mean what are friends for than to rummage through your undergrowth in a non sexual way…………….. so yes it was embarrassing ………but why ……… o ……..why did Ice have to listen to her brother and borrow his aftershave to use on me………..

Now listen to me ……..if anyone ever ……..and I mean ever …………. Offers to pour men’s aftershave on your newly shaved and baby smooth ex rainforest ……………………………… SAY NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still say ICE was very lucky that all I did was bite her ………..if I could only have stood up afterwards I would have really hurt her!

MY book FANG RULE a girls guide to being a vampire should be out in march see more of me at http://www.fangsrule.com/amy.htm  

Pruning your personal rainforest (trying to control pubic hair)

Ok Ok it is winter I should not have to worry about it! 

This is the time of year when a girl can grow her very own fur coat to keep warm and no one notices ………….

(If u have not guessed, I am talking about pruning one's own personal rainforest…………er …………..  a girl's garden  …………….If u don’t understand ……….well just go play with your stuffed bats until you are older….ok)

and ....well…………………it would have been fine if a friend had not invited me to go swimming then …….hmg…………..I noticed just how wild it had gone ………….. I mean there is slightly in need of a trim and there is the stage where people stare at u when u change! ………I mean it took so long in trying to tuck the straggles away that people thought I was playing with myself………..  then it looked like I had stuffed a sock in the bottom bit of the swimming costume ………so this must be why men don’t bother removing their undergrowth………….. and……… well some Guys really do need the help of stuffing a sock in their swimming shorts when there is cold water to swim in……………… er ……… yes Guys we do notice …….hehehehe

I am a living breathing vampire a full blood alpha female, and I feel sorry for my vampire maid BAMBI, being turned ……..UNDEAD ……….. the type of female vampire human males dream of having sex with, as they never age and always look like they did the day they died ……………. Er ……… Guys I think that is called Necrophilia …………. Look it up you perverts!.............    

Bambi died and got turned way back in the dark ages …..during the 1970s I think ……….. like most of the undead vampire girls she does not bother with panties …or in fact any underwear……… She believes the propaganda that Hollywood puts out .silly girl………. Yes no underwear …..Er..well no bodily functions so why bother.....and so she would look supper sexy all the time ……….. if she had only been prepared to be turned…………. She was not as you can see from her hair style.....see my website.......www.fangsrule.com   ………….. being Undead your body is fixed at the moment you are turned, so you have the same hairstyle no mater what the fashion is and I must have told you of the number of times I have seen maids take a knife and cut off all their hair only to have it grow back at the first taste of blood.

So vampires from her time have wonderful examples of undergrowth, I have noticed that some of the more fashionable ones do them as Afros or as a pony tail and the more adventurous ones attach coloured beads……….you may ask how I know this ……..er…well they all like wearing very short shirts and ………..well you can't help but notice ………...especially when the beads are in day glow orange and green!

No point in them attempting to have ……... A landing strip……. Er …….. Mahican and they can only dream of a Hollywood or Brazilian.

Where as I am a living vampire and so could do all that if I wanted to.....but er….No……… just because it is fashionable nowadays to be on all fours …like a dog………while some stranger pours hot wax on you………….. Yes HOT WAX!!!! And …….yes that is near ….er..very near  the most sensitive parts of the body!!! look we are vampires ….not ……..perverted masochists !

Well if my boyfriend wants me to go through that kind of humiliation he can darn well go first show me the results and then perhaps I may think about it!....but only think about it!

Bikini line…crap why not make the bikinis bigger! ………….. look if you just left it to grow………. you could go to the beach without a bikini bottom and with your natural wild female rainforest ……….. well it will normally cover a larger area than any of the micro bikini’s that look more like a colored piece or cord between your legs ………….. and as to covering anything........ well…………. What do you think dental floss can hide ………when we are talking about girl’s bits and private places.  

You can even get a tattoo to help with your body topiary art  ………..this is a real tattoo! ……….no it is not mine!   

MY book FANG RULE a girls guide to being a vampire should be out in march see more of me at http://www.fangsrule.com/amy.htm  

Gifts of Days of the Week Panties

Gifts of Days of the Week Panties

Just because I am a vampire it does not mean I don’t do girl shopping and now with 24hr shopping vampires can join in searching for bargains in the new year sales during the hours of darkness.

Took my maid BAMBI with me as I and still not allowed out un chaperoned,  I have told you about her before she is a turnling ……….ex-human ……….. like shes Undead ok what humans think all vampire are, fangs and boobs……….. never ageing and with a hair style that stays looking perfect even in a force 10 gale…. Makes you sick don’t it............... er well nearly .......... You have the same hairstyle as on the day you died and Bambi ........... well Bambi was gonig to have her hair done the next day.............. er .............too late.......... her picture is below: 

Why called Bambi? …….well she says it was because she was conceived during a Walt Disney film of the same name in a drive in theatre and who am I to question that, if it has to be anywhere then during a drive in Walt Disney film is as good a time and place as any. 

Any way she loves going shopping as it means freedom from the nest for a few hours, plus she like the way I leave my purse on full display on top of the shopping waiting for some guy to snatch it and run off  …………….. it is always so much fun to build up an appetite chasing ones lunch and I let her join in, it is a rush as we cant be seen eating in public so we both spend the rest of the time shopping trying not to burp.

Thinking of things as we shop took my mind to a gift I had recently from my Aunt……. As I was complaining about all my underwear having small pink bats on them she got me a pack of something called Collage Girl Specials…………….. A pack of 5 panties with days of the week on them …………….. Er…………. Why five? ……….what am I to do on Saturday and Sunday!!!  …………….

As to why have days of the week on them………...What is the point? ……….. if I don’t know what day it is I will ask someone and not life up my skirt to check !!!!!!!!!

If the manufactures wanted to be really helpful then they would print numbers and do a pack of 31 as knowing days of the month is far more useful to a girl than knowing days of the week! …………

BAMBI

Going Gray -- win a book!

My hair is now officially natural. I stopped coloring it about six months ago (see some photos here of my "transition") and now my short hair is naturally tri-colored: about 60 percent gray (let's call it silver), with a determined back layer of brown, and a couple of little pops of almost-white. I had never seen my natural hair color since I started coloring it more than 15 years ago. I had no idea what might be happening at the root of things. I like the change.

In between trips to the mirror, I read Going Gray: What I Learned about Beauty, Sex, Work, Motherhood, Authenticity, and Everything Else That Really Matters by Anne Kreamer. Kreamer decided to stop coloring her hair at age 49, after coloring it since age 25. The book is a personal exploration of her journey to gray, but even more interesting, a social, historical, and psychological commentary on how hair color, age, and self-image mesh -- or don't.

In one of the most fascinating chapters, "Dating -- My Three-City Match.com Road Test," Kreamer posts an online dating profile to test whether men seeking date matches respond differently to gray hair. She posts identical photos on identical Match.com profiles in three different cities, except that she posts first as a brunette for a few weeks, removes the profile, and then a few months later, posts a gray-haired photo. I would love to tell you how that came out, but it's such a marvelous part of the book (including the reactions of her husband as she trolled for dates!) that I'm going to encourage you to read it for yourself.

What about you? Did you meet someone after you had settled into your silver hair when romance had eluded you as a blonde? Did responses to your online dating profile go up or down after you posted a new, natural-color photo? Did you go gray and then return, screaming, to your colorist to camouflage your tresses? Did you discover that your face and skin match better now that you're no longer ebony-haired?

Tell me your story and win a book! When Hachette Book Group, the publisher of Going Gray, learned that I would be blogging about this book, they offered me five (5!) copies to give away in a contest! Interested? Here's what you do:

Email me your 2-3 paragraph story about how deciding to go gray changed your dating life, self-image, and/or sex life -- for better or worse. Include your real name, age, and address, plus a first name of your choice which will be used to identify you if I publish your story or an excerpt on my blog. Yep, you have to agree to go public using your code name and age. No other ID will be published unless you request it (if you're a writer, performer, or other person in the public eye and you want your story told with your name).

Please put "Going Gray contest" in the subject line of your email. If your story is among the first five that I love (I reserve the right to be totally subjective), you'll receive a free copy of Going Gray directly from the publisher. What a deal!

Uncovering/ Uncoloring My Hair

It's time for me to let my gray (silver?) hair grow out, I decided last November. My hair stylist, Troy of Troy Michael Salons in Sebastopol, CA, has been helping me "transition" since then, letting my gray/silver emerge while the brown/blonde recedes. At my last appointment, he cut off most of the still-colored hair, revealing me as a 65-year-old, mostly gray/silver-haired woman. (Thank you, Dan Goldes, for the photos.)

I'd wondered for years what color my hair would be if I stopped coloring it. Shimmering silver?All gray? Salt and pepper? Old looking?

When I wondered aloud to Robert, he examined my roots with an artist's eye and said, "I don't think you'd like it -- you'd look ten years older." He wouldn't mind the ten-years-older part, but he was sure I would, being in the public eye and representing zesty sexuality after sixty.

Then after Robert died, everything that mattered before no longer mattered. As I grieved, I found myself re-evaluating every decision, big and little, from whether I could say no to writing deadlines for a year (yes, I could) to whether I should continue coloring my hair.

Bottom line: we don't have the option to stay young. We can either get old, or we can die first. I wish Robert had been able to get old rather than die at 71. That brought it home for me that we only have these two options, which make looking younger than I am seem sort of silly. The point is that we can grow old with vigor, pride, and sensuality -- we don't have to pretend to be young.

I've always valued authenticity. My hair isn't brown with blonde highlights. It's ... I don't know yet, some combination of gray and brown, or maybe all gray. I always insist on telling the truth, so shouldn't I be showing the truth, too? I see women who look beautiful and radiant in their sixties, seventies, eighties, with snow white hair, or silver streaked, or any combination of their natural colors.

You could argue that authenticity doesn't hinge on hair color, any more than it hinges on whether we wear "shaper" bras or let our sagginess show, or whether we bother to get dressed or wear pajamas to the supermarket if we feel like it. We do put effort into looking good because it reveals how we feel about ourselves as well as how we want the public to see us.

And, truth be told, I don't feel brown-haired-with-blonde-highlights any more. I'm looking forward to shining silver.


August 2009 update: Here's my hair now:




Speaking of gray hair, see my review of Going Gray by Anne Kreamer. It's an interesting read if you're wondering what to do (or not do) about your hair color, looking at the social, psychological, aesthetic, even political implications.

I find it fascinating that the original, hardcover edition of Going Gray was subtitled, "What I Learned about Beauty, Sex, Work, Motherhood, Authenticity, and Everything Else That Really Matters," and the paperback reprint edition is subtitled, "How to Embrace Your Authentic Self with Grace and Style." I prefer the first subtitle. Which do you prefer?