This will be a very long and wordy post.
Saturday, Sunday, Monday was spent with Gerald Lee. Stayed over since Saturday evening and now I'm finally back home. We went to Jelita to rent the dvd, Bolt. The show is damn nice, everything's just so cute! But we haven't got time to watch Taken. Didn't go to church on Sunday, what a sinner ): All your fault G! & I always end up sleeping at super late hours thanks to you! Dinner with his parents & him was always great.
Yesterday, met Wolfgang & Vic and slacked at Holland V's Coffee Bean. Gerald & Kenneth was there too. Everyone started going off so Vic & I went to buy some alcohol and just drink & talk. Then, Gerald picked me up, and headed back to his place.
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.
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Everything seem oh-so-perfect. But yesterday, an incident just brought my whole world upside down.
I was so hurt. I never imagine a person who once picked me up from my previous fall could actually neglect my feelings and just pull me back down to the ground again. How would you feel if any of you were me? I was so hurt. I cried like a baby. I slapped myself for being so stupid. I bang my head against the wall for believing in you. I refused to tell you what I found out, cos its pointless. I've been through alot, and when I tell you what I've known, you will deny, for sure. Ask yourself, did you? In the end, I forgave you. Have you ever ask yourself why you actually deserve my forgiveness? Cos baby, I love you. I gave you my heart not expecting you to break it. You know it very well that ever since I met you, my impression of things change for the good. However, you disappointed me, terribly. Now, I'm back to where I was before, not trusting someone that much anymore.
Lie - Verb [I] lying, lied, lied
To say or write something which is not true in order to deceive someone
Lying will not get you anywhere, we are good at finding excuses for ourselves.
You made me realize I was seriously blinded by love at times.
I find myself drowning in a pool of tears these days, even now as I write this. I find myself in a pressure cooker position. Whereby you don't even know when the pressure will act up. I realized you might have changed or a tad of feelings for me. Unknowingly. I guess its time. & I'll move on with whatever you've given me..
Fact: Guys still lie through their teeth even though the other person already clearly knows the true fact.
My weekend has been great cause Gerald was arnd, but I had a terrible one because my heart was broken. Why? Because I just had to find out stuff which was so unbelievable. What I found out and how he've been treating me just contradicts each other. How could he lie to me? He even had to intention to play me out I'm sure. Tell me, is such guy worth going through so much for? Does he even deserve me? Right now, I just don't wna trust anyone that much anymore. He said that whatever he said wasn't true. That's a lie, period. I know, I know alot of things. You don't have to lie your way through so I could feel better or you wanna save yourself. At the end of the day, I'm sure goodness prevails and I always bound to find out the truth. God is fair enough to make us realize the things that makes us blind. In everything we do, there are loopholes in which the other person would stumble across. & I'm constantly that lucky..
Just because he knows I love him so much, doesn't mean he can take advantage of the fact that he can do whatever he wants. Cos when enough is enough, it really is.
I don't know whats right & wrong anymore. Cause everything seemed so twisted these days. I guess only deep in your heart you know the answers Gerald. & whether I deserve to be treated this way by you. I'm hurt. & I'm starting to wonder if we could even last long enough. At times I wish I was single, really. You treated me like a princess most of the time, this time, a child as though I don't know anything. I'm 18 this year, just 1 year younger than you, but my experiences has taught me, that's why I grow from them & I've learnt alot. & that is why I know stuff. I can alrdy read through you, know how you behave & even read between the lines. I've gone through too much in my past, & each time I just wished I could finally find a good man. I thought you came into my world & was different from the rest. So I let my guard down. But I'm wronged. I've grown to realize this cold hard fact that everyone's just the same. You make me believe, yet you tore me down too. How could I ever gain the trust I have in you back again?
I don't need an explanation if all else fails. Someday you'll know how I really feel for you, I just hope one day you do not regret when everything falls apart, even though I'd still be standing by your side, but I guess I'd kill myself with that fall.. I can't imagine why you actually said those stuff. I know you mean whatever you say, however, you still deny when I asked you. I wna trust you Gerald. But it's heart-wrenching. If I'm really not the girl you want, and you want another like you claimed you wanted (some bitch in your school I presume?), then go ahead. I won't hold you down any longer. Time may be limited for us if such things continue, I guess like what they always say; Let nature takes its course. Whats not meant to be yours, will not be. What meant to be will eventually find it's way back to you.
Letting emotions flow through my eyes while staring at my reflection. Trying to suss things out while hating every bit of my guts. It's an ironic human condition. Have you watched yourself cry so hard. You cry harder upon the reality of being ever so crushed? Then again, I remind myself it's just a phase & its about time to take a turn. But its always easier to write pain than to write happiness. So many unanswered questions. Why?
Cause with you I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hand.
Because of you, my heart continues to love.
Because of you, I've opened myself up to heartaches.
Because of you, I smile, I tear & I laugh.
Because of you, my life turned around.
Because of you, something new began, from the bleak & old.
Because of you, my heart feels warm.
Because of you, I know what Love is.
Because of you, this is reality.
I have always love you, what about you?
All I got to say, I've said it here. You don't go arnd telling pple, or YOUR EX GIRLFRIENDS what we do cos that's for us to know only. By letting them know all the details, shows that you don't even respect me. & if you're uninterested in me, leave me. Just a month back, you were even unsure of your feelings for me. You weren't sure if you love me, if you don't, leave me. You could also let pple know which kind of girl you're going to find after me. What does that show? That you're just taking me for granted. Aren't you grateful for the things you alrdy have my dear boy? You make it sound so easy that when we break up, you will just go find someone else. If you really could, leave me. Those words I saw hurt me really bad. From what I know, one of your ex girlfriends were the best you ever had. I'm sorry to say I can't be the one good enough. Love me for me, and not for anything else. If you can't stay with that fact, leave me.
If your heart can never settle down for me, leave me. If you think it doesn't hurt to know more pple, go ahead, go find the joy in finding all the love you can, which you think they can give you the love like mine. So be it, leave me. Just weeks back, you could even say you wanted another, even though you're with me. You hurt me again and again with words. Don't tell me you didn't mean what you said. Cos boy, deep down inside you know the truth. If you can't even love me for me, can't even cherish me, can even think of playing me out, you don't deserve me, so just leave me.
"You have to be prepared when such things happen. That's why don't take it too seriously. If you're hurt emotionally, you can overcome it with strength." -Daddy
I think my Dad is the best man on earth. He knows it all, when I'm sad or happy. He's always there to guide me through my days. He will NEVER let me fall. I'm thankful.
No matter what happened, I'll grace through any storm. I'll be strong, I know I will be.
Does a smile really depicts the happiness in you?
Mistakes don't mean a thing if you don't regret them.
When you see your life
In someone else's eyes
